Reality

I don't know if there is a magical number of days, but it seems to me that reality has hit both Tony and me at the same time. We have been so busy that we haven't had time to think of how much everything has changed for us. I am trying to stay busy and get everything done so that I can turn in my grades on time. The problem is everytime I stop for a minute, I feel like I've been kicked in the gut. How can we face this world without Jason in it? I talk to my other kids, and I keep thinking I need to call Jason. I watch the weather to see what it is like in Nebraska. I see an ad in the paper for something that I think I should put back for Christmas for Jason. I don't want to hurt anymore, but each new day goes by and the hurt stays. It is like a weight on my chest. Everyone has been so nice to us, my students have been great, I even feel like the clerks in the stores treat me differently. Am I wearing a sign that says, "Please be nice to me." The kindness is sweet, but it is a constant reminder that my life is forever changed. I guess I'm ready for someone to be a jerk, so I can feel anger instead of grief. I went to the bank today, and all the ladies gave me that look--you know the one--here comes Debbie, Bless her Heart.