"I will praise you in this storm." I thought I had been through a few of life's storms--thought I knew what heartache and loss meant. I felt such despair when Phyllis was sick for so long and when I finally realized that she wasn't going to get well.
My friend Mel shared with me something that she learned in a grief seminar she once attended. When you lose a child, you grieve the past and the future. That's where I am right now. I'm grieving the future. I thought it would be difficult to look at baby and childhood pictures of Jason, but it isn't. That little boy has been gone for years. I have never been able to watch videoes of my children without feeling sadness; they were so cute and fun; the time went too fast; I didn't savor the moments like I should have. What I can't come to terms with now is that Jason doesn't have a future here with us. I believe he has a future in heaven, but I'm selfish, worldly, human.
I want to be able to praise again. In my logical mind I can find reason to praise, but my heart takes over when I try. I read some passages in the Psalms and could relate to David when he is asking God where he is, why he let me down? I have to continue reading because I know that God mad himself known to David. David was able to praise God, to testify to God's goodness, and I will be able to again some day.
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How do we "savor" every moment and still teach our children. Evan left me today with $2 in his pocket and no money in his bank account (I filled his tank up with gas and could have easily given $100, but where do we stop)...And then the GUILT! Can we ever do enough, be enough, do we always live with regrets. I'm afraid to let my kids out of my sight since Jason's death. Janna
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