"I will praise you in this storm." I thought I had been through a few of life's storms--thought I knew what heartache and loss meant. I felt such despair when Phyllis was sick for so long and when I finally realized that she wasn't going to get well.
My friend Mel shared with me something that she learned in a grief seminar she once attended. When you lose a child, you grieve the past and the future. That's where I am right now. I'm grieving the future. I thought it would be difficult to look at baby and childhood pictures of Jason, but it isn't. That little boy has been gone for years. I have never been able to watch videoes of my children without feeling sadness; they were so cute and fun; the time went too fast; I didn't savor the moments like I should have. What I can't come to terms with now is that Jason doesn't have a future here with us. I believe he has a future in heaven, but I'm selfish, worldly, human.
I want to be able to praise again. In my logical mind I can find reason to praise, but my heart takes over when I try. I read some passages in the Psalms and could relate to David when he is asking God where he is, why he let me down? I have to continue reading because I know that God mad himself known to David. David was able to praise God, to testify to God's goodness, and I will be able to again some day.