Deer

Carson hit a deer last night and did some real damage to his truck. It seems to me that almost everyone I talk to has had an experience with a deer on the road. They are everywhere.
Now we have to go through the hassle of insurance, rental vehicle, cancelation, rates rising, blah, blah, blah. The funny thing is that it is more troubling to him than it is to his dad and me. I'm not saying it doesn't worry us because we have a high deductible, but we have learned what is important, and it is not money. Carson is safe; his truck can be fixed; that's all that concerns us.
That doesn't mean I slept well last night. My mind was racing through "worst case scenerios." What happens if his truck can't be fixed? What if they cancel us? What if they raise our rates? What if? What if? Those words aren't very comforting. My human fears and worries overtake me sometimes. This week I'll have to search scripture for the words that bring peace.
I have done what I can at this point. I have talked to the insurance company, given them permission to talk to Carson personally and assured him that all will be well. The rest is out of my hands. The rest is out of my hands. The rest is out of my hands.

Gripe, gripe, gripe

We are a gripping generation. We gripe about everything. Today my gripe is over a stupid prescription that costs $120. a month to lower blood pressure. Paying that much made my blood pressure rise to a dangerous level. The first prescription I tried did not lower my bp; the second one made me cough; this one makes me gripe. I know, I should be thankful that there is a drug that will work for me; I know, I should be thankful that I have $120. a month to spend on medicine. I have no idea which side of the healthcare debate I'm on because I haven't read the bill, but something needs to be changed.
I've brought this up a few times in the last twenty-four hours and heard a story from my friend whose dad takes a $400/mo. prescription and four moms who are unable to afford the medication prescribed for their children for chronic allergies because the prescription would be $200/mo. Now these moms are not out-of-work, down-on-their-luck single moms who are struggling to raise their children. These people are college graduates, married, two-income households who have health insurance. These prices are after insurance has paid. One of them said that although her son had tried multiple over-the-counter allergy medicines, he was still suffering from seasonal allergies, so his doctor prescribed something that would work. The insurance company that this family pays $600./month to for their two sons' coverage denied the claim because "over-the-counter" meds are available for treatment. As she said, they've never seen her son, they're based in Chicago; however, they override the physician who has seen him. Jason and Carson both suffered from seasonal allergies. It's so difficult to watch your kid go off to school knowing that they were going to be miserable all day with allergy symptoms.
OK, I've done my griping; do you think my blood pressure is back to normal?

Would have been

Today would have been Jason's 35th birthday. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I hate those words...would have been...should have been...he wasn't supposed to leave so soon.
I slept well last night which is rare for me. Since I had traveled home from skiing all day yesterday, I was pretty tired. I guess I need to completely exhaust myself so that I can sleep through the night. Tony and I went to Norman, had a wonderful lunch at Saltgrass, stopped in at Walmart to get fishing lures. Then I came home and got flowers ready for the cemetery. I'm keeping orange flowers out there all the time except at Christmas. Someday some OSU student of horticulture will create an orange poinsettia and then the silk flower makers will provide them so that I can keep orange out there year round.
Tony went fishing while I went to the cemetery. We handle things completely differently; I really get that. I came home and worked in my flower beds to get them ready for April. I just heard on the weather that we're going to get a huge snow this weekend. It's funny; I love snow on a mountain, but we've had plenty this year. I'm ready for spring, real spring. Tony blamed the fact that the ponds were too full on his not catching fish earlier. That's a first.
Tomorrow Carson and Nick are coming out to fish, watch OSU basketball, and of course, eat dinner with us. That will be a perfect end to a nice break from school. Monday we start that final eight weeks of school. These weeks go so fast because of end-of-instruction testing, research papers, and all the spring activities.
This has been a rambling post, but that's the way my mind is working today. Every thought is of Jason. He was such a blessing to me from 35 years ago today to the very end.

Tiffany's service

I went to another funeral today for a young person whose life ended too soon from our earthly perspective. We think that three score and ten is promised, but not all of us get that. Some of us take seventy years to make the impact that Tiffany made on this earth, but some, like Tiffany, figure out what's important early. Does God give an extra dose of wisdom to those whose life He knows will only be a few years? I don't know, but I do know this. If my life had ended at age 20, I wouldn't have left the legacy that Tiffany left. "She was always happy." "She was always smiling." "She loved everyone." "Everyone loved her." "She honored God with her life." Over and over these statements have been made this week. It is so obvious that the statements were true by the huge crowd at the service, the loving tributes made by her family and friends, her own testimony on video. Everything we witnessed today revealed a life that honored God.
I remember the peace I felt after Jason's service. My nephew spoke and told some really funny stories about Jason's childhood. The music was perfect. Jimmy's sermon ministered to us and gave us a picure of heaven that I've carried with me for almost eighteen months. The huge crowd embraced us; people we knew and people we'd never met came together for one common purpose. They loved and wanted to honor Jason's life.
I told Tiffany's family Wednesday night that I wasn't sure how long it takes to make the grief lessen, but I realized today that I'm farther along than I thought. This is what I now know that I didn't know before Sept 20, 2008.
-I know what a tragedy is--it's not losing a ballgame, being short of money, dealing with expensive car repairs, losing a job, making a bad grade, having a kid in trouble--I have seriously overreacted to these very things in my life.
-I know how much I love my family-this really should have been a given because I have always loved them to distraction, but I now know that my family has priority over all.
-I know that length of years really means nothing. My dad used to say, "I have to go to people's funerals so they'll come to mine." It always caused a groan, but seriously, a large funeral usually means a life cut short. If you live to be old, you outlive your friends and family, but if you die young...well, Jason's service and Tiffany's are examples of the kind of funeral a young person gets--standing room only. Tiffany got twenty years; Jason got thirty-three; both impacted a huge number of people by their life and more by their death.
-I know the power of prayer. Prior to Jason's death I thought I was not strong enough to survive if one of my children died. I am not strong enough, but through the prayers of my friends and family, God strengthened me.
I hope I've learned what I'm supposed to have learned. I pray that my eyes will continue to focus on what is important and Who is important. I pray that I can use the lessons I've learned to enlighten others.

March

March will never be the same for me again. Every mother understands that the month her child was born is very special from the first day of the month to the end. Jason's birthday was always during Spring Break, so we celebrated for several days. Next week would have been Jason's 35th birthday. He was truly bothered by getting older. I used to laugh at him because he did not want to turn 30, or 31, or 32...
He told me many times that he didn't want any more birthdays after 30. Now he remains forever 33, a perfect age if you ask me. Last year I was traveling back from skiing on his birthday. This year we will get home the day before, so Tony and I will somehow honor his day. I'll take spring flowers to the cemetery; we'll probably go out to dinner that evening, and we'll surely cry a few tears. Is this year easier than last? Not yet.
Monday of this week Tiffany Fowler Tiffin was killed in a horrible automobile accident. She was only twenty years old. That's just not enough time on this earth for most people, but it seems to have been enough for Tiffany. Her life was lived to honor God. She was a great witness to all of her friends.
I've been reading the facebook page set up in her honor. Tiffany's short life reached so many people. She was a wonderful Christian example to her peers. I'm awed by the number of people who have posted their admiration for her because she lived her faith. What a legacy to leave behind at such a young age.
I went by to see her family this evening. Her sweet husband is heartbroken as I expected; her parents and brother are devastated as I expected; her in-laws are broken as I expected. What I didn't expect was for them to all reach out to me. Her mother thanked me for coming because she knew that this had brought all memories of Jason fresh to the surface. I've heard this several times this week. It's an awkward possition for me. Our faculty is grieving Tiffany's death, but so many of my colleagues are checking on me, asking me how I'm doing. I guess I wasn't prepared for this.
I must admit that tears have been right behind my eyes during class since Tuesday, but I'm assuming that all of our staff who knew and loved Tiffany and her husband Jake have experienced the same feelings I have.
I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I work with. They take care of me even though I don't know I need to be taken care of.
Live it up forever, Tiffany Fowler Tiffin. If we thought you were a bright spot here on earth, imagine what a joy you are in heaven.