Fall Break at Last

I said earlier that I have been putting out fires for three weeks. I'm hoping that I can get enough accomplished during my break that I can slow down for awhile. I have to figure out what life looks like now for all of us. We are going to Stillwater Friday for the Walkaround. Last year Jason went with us, we ate at the Hideaway and enjoyed a beautiful, fun evening. I want this year to be the same, but I'm scared. I don't know how I will respond emotionally. I haven't fallen apart in public, so far. I will need to be prayed up and ready for the onslaught of images that OSU brings to my mind. I want Carson's years there to be as special for him as Jason's and Allison's were. I don't want him to worry about making me sad when he wants me to visit or be a part of something.
I continue to get cards in the mail every day. I have sometimes thought that I shouldn't send a card if I don't get it in the mail in the first week or so. I never realized how meaningful the cards are the weeks following a loss. It doesn't make me sad every day when I get the mail. Again I am humbled by the kindness of so many people who continue to pray for us and send notes about their love and respect for Jason.
Today I received a card from Kerry (Young) Mose--a schoolmate of Jason's and one of my former cheerleaders. The message on card was a verse that describes heaven like this:

What is Heaven?
Heaven is where Jesus is.
It is the place--
where everything lasts forever,
where everything that is best remains,
where everything good is celebrated,
where light fills every space,
where love fills every heart,
where worship fills every breath,
where praise never stops,
where pain never enters,
where joys never cease.

I love the verse--look forward to experiencing such a place.
I should be at peace knowing that Jason is experiencing heaven as described. I shouldn't wish him back, but the human side of me is selfish. I want him here with us. It's not logical, but it's true. Every mother wants her child to have the best life possible. When I think about the contrast between this world and the one Jason now lives in, I should be glad that he is in such a perfect place.
That is a level of spiritual maturity that goes beyond me at this time. I don't know if I will ever get there. It was easy to think that way with my parents and my sisters. They suffered greatly before their deaths--so much that we were all relieved when they went to heaven. Even though my sisters were not old, they had lived full, rich lives--married, had children, grandchildren. I thought they were both cheated because they didn't live to be old. In this situation not only was Jason cheated of a long life, I feel cheated. I brought three children into the world. I expected to have grandchildren from all three. I feel vulnerable because I can't be assured that the future I imagined for our family will happen. Does any of this make sense?