Another sleepless night

Last week I went to the doctor and got a prescription for a mild anti-anxiety medication to help me sleep. In my infinite wisdom I decided last night that I was tired enough after a long day at school and a trip to my class in Ada (I'm in the last third of a Reading Specialist Master's program), I was certain I would sleep. Guess what? I'm an idiot. Instead of following the advice of the doctor--the expert--I tried to go my own way. I don't have to tell you how many times I have done this in my life. I consider God's Word "the expert," but I don't always follow its advice--with disastrous results. Since I am using this blog as my quiet time, I have changed my reading passages to offer something pertinent for all of us.

Ephesians 1:3-6--again from The Message.

The Glory of God

How blessed is God! And what a blessing he is! He's the Father of our Master, Jesus Christ, and takes us to the high places of blessing in him. Long before he laid down earth's foundation, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son.
Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, we're a free people--free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free!

I once looked at people who lost a child and thought, "How are they able to still worship?" Now I know. I have joined a club no one wants to join, with people who never wanted to be there, sharing words, thoughts, and griefs that we all considered once to be unimaginable. I don't mean I go to a club. I might someday look for a support group or find a grief counselor to help me reconcile my past as a mother of three to my present as a mother of three--one of which has moved to heaven. Writing this blog for help will be cheaper, looking in scripture for comfort will be more solid advice than a human can offer, but talking to that expert may become necessary.

I want to live abundantly free. I don't want to carry this baggage that I am lugging around for the rest of my life. I want to experience the joy of people who have no membership in the club I have been thrown in. I am assured by members of the club who have reached out to me, Ruby, Mary, Anna Marie, and my cousin's friend in Tulsa that we will again see happy times in our family. We will have holidays, birthdays, graduations, weddings, births. All will be bittersweet because Jason won't be with us, but the joy of the occasion will carry us through. I remember thinking after my mom died that we would never have another happy event. The first year was tough--we wanted to ignore Christmas--but we had kids, and kids deserve a happy Christmas. My mother made sure we had one, so it was up to us to step up and do what was right for our families. This has happened time and again in our family. It seems that for four years in a row, another family member was missing. Begin praying for me now that Christmas this year will be a celebration of the birth of our Savior, that I will get out those Hallmark ornaments and place Jason's 33 on the tree with love and remembrance-not anger and bitterness.
Last week I went into the funeral home to check on some things. The people there shared with me the contrast between last week and the previous week when Jason was there. Last week was a family suffering through a murder-suicide, a twenty-eight year old man had shot his girlfriend and them himself. Unimaginable pain for the families involved. Hopelessness. How do you send flowers, offer condolences? The week Jason was there--the flowers would not quit coming. They were in the viewing room all down both halls, a constant stream of people signing the book, watching the video, and if one of us happened to be there, they were put at ease. We weren't going to fall apart. We were going to thank them for coming. We were able to do that because we knew that Jason was Abundantly Free.