I'm a fortunate person in that I've never really had an addiction to anything dangerous--unless, of course, you think Diet Coke is dangerous. I haven't had a diet coke since Dec. 31st, and I'm doing fine. Week before last I went to the doctor because of my high blood pressure surprise, and I asked him how to stop taking the Cymbalta (anti-depressant) that I began taking last March. I started taking it during spring break the week of Jason's birthday. I had avoided anti-depressants before because I felt that taking them would just postpone my grief.
I don't know how much it helped me with my grief, but I do know that it held off my tears. It is awkward when you work around 17 year olds to cry at inopportune moments.
The doctor said to take them every other day for a week and then stop, so that's what I've done.
I guess they did work because I've been very weepy for the last few days. Since we've been housebound because of the snow, I've been watching television, and I've wiped tears at movies, the news, and a few commercials.
The reality is that Jason's death and the grief that goes with it never quite leaves my mind. It didn't leave it from March to now, and it won't leave me from now until I die. I will never stop missing him. I can't take a pill to make all things good again, so I'm going to tough it out to see if I can make it without pills.
How do people survive life on this earth? There's so much sadness, so much suffering, so much destruction, both man-made and nature-made. I have so many questions about all of this, and when those questions start getting to me I have to revisit some truths that are revealed to me through God's word.
I also have to revisit the good on this earth. I am blessed beyond measure with family and friends; the people that are in my life on this earth keep me focused on what is important here. The response to tragedy here reminds me that in the face of horror, it takes people to make those tragedies bearable.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Poetry contest entry
Now I know how it feels.
Now I know how it feels to be told to write something, right now.
My students cry and complain if I say, “It’s due at the end of the hour.”
Those words makes their stomachs sour.
“I don’t know what to write about,” they say.
I respond with, “Get started, everything will be ok.”
Now I know how it feel to search for inspiration, right now.
I’m crying and complaining because I made a deal with Erin.
We’ll have a contest on facebook , but my mind is completely barren.
“I need some inspiration,” I think.
I look around to find something that inspires me,
But find nothing close, Oh Gee.
Now I know how it feels to be told to write something, right now.
My students cry and complain if I say, “It’s due at the end of the hour.”
Those words makes their stomachs sour.
“I don’t know what to write about,” they say.
I respond with, “Get started, everything will be ok.”
Now I know how it feel to search for inspiration, right now.
I’m crying and complaining because I made a deal with Erin.
We’ll have a contest on facebook , but my mind is completely barren.
“I need some inspiration,” I think.
I look around to find something that inspires me,
But find nothing close, Oh Gee.
Friday, January 29, 2010
What I learned from my walk in the snow.
I just walked down to meet Cindy, my sister-in-law, to go for a two-mile walk with her.
Here's what I learned:
1. When you have a heavy ski coat, don't wear too many layers under it. I had to stop and take the liner our of my coat because I got too hot.
2. The new cheap ski gloves that I bought at Christmas are warm, but they are too bulky. I will have to buy better ones before Spring Break.
3. My ski pants are a little snug--must lose some weight before Spring Break.
4. Merrell gripper snow shoes rock. I never slipped once.
5. Walking to Cindy's was more difficult than walking from Cindy's because the snow was hitting me in the face on the way there.
6. I should have left my glasses at home. They were fogged over, and I had to take them off very quickly so that I could see.
7. I always carry bottled water with me when I ski. I thought it was to prevent altitude sickness, but I should have taken it with me. I got really thirsty.
8. Cindy's little dog doesn't like to wear a sweater, but he shivers and likes to be carried.
9. Walking up the driveway to the smell of grilled chicken is really nice.
10. When you burn some calories, lunch tastes better, and the pound cake, strawberries, chocolate dessert doesn't make you feel so stuffed.
11. Bundle up, go outside, take your cell phone, if you must, wear a helmet,be careful, but you will really enjoy God's creation.
Here's what I learned:
1. When you have a heavy ski coat, don't wear too many layers under it. I had to stop and take the liner our of my coat because I got too hot.
2. The new cheap ski gloves that I bought at Christmas are warm, but they are too bulky. I will have to buy better ones before Spring Break.
3. My ski pants are a little snug--must lose some weight before Spring Break.
4. Merrell gripper snow shoes rock. I never slipped once.
5. Walking to Cindy's was more difficult than walking from Cindy's because the snow was hitting me in the face on the way there.
6. I should have left my glasses at home. They were fogged over, and I had to take them off very quickly so that I could see.
7. I always carry bottled water with me when I ski. I thought it was to prevent altitude sickness, but I should have taken it with me. I got really thirsty.
8. Cindy's little dog doesn't like to wear a sweater, but he shivers and likes to be carried.
9. Walking up the driveway to the smell of grilled chicken is really nice.
10. When you burn some calories, lunch tastes better, and the pound cake, strawberries, chocolate dessert doesn't make you feel so stuffed.
11. Bundle up, go outside, take your cell phone, if you must, wear a helmet,be careful, but you will really enjoy God's creation.
Monday, January 25, 2010
I didn't write this, but I wish I had.
Taking advantage
Syndicated columnist Leonard Pitts has plenty of condemnation for those who put a political or overly religious spin on the tragedy in Haiti. "Apparently, some of us are so estranged from their very humanity, so besotted with their own righteousness, so deeply, damnably smug, self-centered, small and mean, that there is nothing — not the wail of orphan children, not the stink of rotting flesh, not death tolls that stagger imagining — they will not reduce to cheap morality plays to further their cultural and political agendas,” Pitts writes. "Tens of thousands of people are dead in the poorest place in the western hemisphere and the preacher asks: How can that be used to buttress my vision of a vengeful, angry God? Relief is being rushed to the island as fast as humanly possible and the bloviator wonders: how can that be used to belittle Barack Obama? Apparently, there’s never a timeout, never a pause button, never a moment when they remember to simply behave like human beings. A human being, faced with calamity on this scale, says, ’Oh, my God.’ A human being says, ’Those poor people.’ A human being says, ’What can I do to help?’ But the (Rush) Limbaughs and (Pat) Robertsons of the world say some variation of, God hates you. Or, You had it coming. They call that conservative. I call it obscene.”
Read more: http://www.newsok.com/article/3434453?searched=Leonard%20Pitts&custom_click=search#ixzz0dfSk7bl4
Syndicated columnist Leonard Pitts has plenty of condemnation for those who put a political or overly religious spin on the tragedy in Haiti. "Apparently, some of us are so estranged from their very humanity, so besotted with their own righteousness, so deeply, damnably smug, self-centered, small and mean, that there is nothing — not the wail of orphan children, not the stink of rotting flesh, not death tolls that stagger imagining — they will not reduce to cheap morality plays to further their cultural and political agendas,” Pitts writes. "Tens of thousands of people are dead in the poorest place in the western hemisphere and the preacher asks: How can that be used to buttress my vision of a vengeful, angry God? Relief is being rushed to the island as fast as humanly possible and the bloviator wonders: how can that be used to belittle Barack Obama? Apparently, there’s never a timeout, never a pause button, never a moment when they remember to simply behave like human beings. A human being, faced with calamity on this scale, says, ’Oh, my God.’ A human being says, ’Those poor people.’ A human being says, ’What can I do to help?’ But the (Rush) Limbaughs and (Pat) Robertsons of the world say some variation of, God hates you. Or, You had it coming. They call that conservative. I call it obscene.”
Read more: http://www.newsok.com/article/3434453?searched=Leonard%20Pitts&custom_click=search#ixzz0dfSk7bl4
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Why am I so surprised?
I have had to start taking blood pressure medicine. Why am I so surprised? I'm 55 years old, need to lose 20 pounds, teach high school students... I'm really not certain why this has hit me so hard. One thing is that I had no symptoms. I went to give blood, and my bp was 194/120. It bothers that I could have something so wrong in my body, and I had no idea. I guess that's why they call it the silent killer.
I have always been healthy. I don't have to take medicine, until now, but the reality is that I will have to fact the facts. My body will not continue to work.
I am going to start writing daily in this blog because I'm afraid that some of my bp issues my be because I hold some things in. I hold tight to my emotions, my fears, my grief. I don't want people to look at me and think that I've lost it, but in actuality, I've lost so much that I must address those losses.
I have always been healthy. I don't have to take medicine, until now, but the reality is that I will have to fact the facts. My body will not continue to work.
I am going to start writing daily in this blog because I'm afraid that some of my bp issues my be because I hold some things in. I hold tight to my emotions, my fears, my grief. I don't want people to look at me and think that I've lost it, but in actuality, I've lost so much that I must address those losses.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Haiti
We have another horrible tragegy in one of the most impoverished places in the Western Hemisphers. The earthquake in Haiti is total devastation. They have already buried 7,000 and are expecting the death toll to be near 50,000. Right now the immediate needs are so basic, food, water, shelter, medical supplies and help. We have no idea how these people are going to survive.
This is another situation where the bride of Christ can reach out and help. I know that there are already missionaries that are there, but their main concern is survival for themselves and their families. We have to send immediate and continued help. Today so many planes were flying in with humanitarian aid that they couldn't land.
Brad and Angelina donated a million, one of the baseball leagues donated a million; George Clooney was on the news for helping in some way. I wonder if we added up all the money that Christian people send through the Red Cross, Save the Children, Feed the Children, etc. how much it would be. I certainly hope we could beat the celebrities. I'm thankful for celebrities like Brad and Angelina and George. They seem to have hearts of giving and sharing. They have encouraged other wealthy people to be humanitarians.
Of course, then we have Pat Roberson, who said on his tv program, that Haiti made a deal with the devil many years ago; therefore, they have continually suffered poverty and now this earthquake. What an embarrassment! We heard the same thing when the hurricane hit New Orleans. I don't remember hearing anything of this type about Indonesia and Italy. How do we decide which ones we blame on the people who live near the earthquake or flood and which ones are just natural disasters? I guess we ask Pat Roberson.
I guess from his way of thinking, Moore, Oklahoma must be an evil city. They've been hit by tornados multiple times. I know some people who live in Moore; they don't seem like the type to make a deal with devil.
I hope the people who watch his program don't buy in to his garbage. How exactly did they make a deal with devil? Was there a handshake, a contract, a fiddle?
Does he really believe that God is in heaven sending tragedy on an entire nation of people with a wave of His hand. He could, but I don't believe He does. If that were true, He probably would also be striking down people who displease Him. People would be dropping like flies all over the world.
From what I have been told by missionaries, Hawaii is a very difficult place to start a Christian church. The civil authorities put up roadblocks that make establishing churches very difficult, yet I've never seen total destruction in Hawaiil. Opps, I may have given God an idea.
Pat Roberson does not speak for me. He should read a book I read years ago called .
Following Jesus Without Embarrassing God Should I send a copy to Mr. Roberson?
This is another situation where the bride of Christ can reach out and help. I know that there are already missionaries that are there, but their main concern is survival for themselves and their families. We have to send immediate and continued help. Today so many planes were flying in with humanitarian aid that they couldn't land.
Brad and Angelina donated a million, one of the baseball leagues donated a million; George Clooney was on the news for helping in some way. I wonder if we added up all the money that Christian people send through the Red Cross, Save the Children, Feed the Children, etc. how much it would be. I certainly hope we could beat the celebrities. I'm thankful for celebrities like Brad and Angelina and George. They seem to have hearts of giving and sharing. They have encouraged other wealthy people to be humanitarians.
Of course, then we have Pat Roberson, who said on his tv program, that Haiti made a deal with the devil many years ago; therefore, they have continually suffered poverty and now this earthquake. What an embarrassment! We heard the same thing when the hurricane hit New Orleans. I don't remember hearing anything of this type about Indonesia and Italy. How do we decide which ones we blame on the people who live near the earthquake or flood and which ones are just natural disasters? I guess we ask Pat Roberson.
I guess from his way of thinking, Moore, Oklahoma must be an evil city. They've been hit by tornados multiple times. I know some people who live in Moore; they don't seem like the type to make a deal with devil.
I hope the people who watch his program don't buy in to his garbage. How exactly did they make a deal with devil? Was there a handshake, a contract, a fiddle?
Does he really believe that God is in heaven sending tragedy on an entire nation of people with a wave of His hand. He could, but I don't believe He does. If that were true, He probably would also be striking down people who displease Him. People would be dropping like flies all over the world.
From what I have been told by missionaries, Hawaii is a very difficult place to start a Christian church. The civil authorities put up roadblocks that make establishing churches very difficult, yet I've never seen total destruction in Hawaiil. Opps, I may have given God an idea.
Pat Roberson does not speak for me. He should read a book I read years ago called .
Following Jesus Without Embarrassing God Should I send a copy to Mr. Roberson?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
The Truth Project
I started a new class at church this evening. I've committed to attend a class called The Truth Project every Sunday at 4:00. It was difficult to sign up for because I'm a selfish person. Most of my life when I was actively attending church, I have attended Sunday evening services. Since I have been attending church in Harrah, I have become lazy about Sundays. I only go on Sunday mornings, and I really like it. I figure my kids resent that because they were always taken to church Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wed. night. Now I go on Sunday morning only.
So, for the next 13 weeks I will be attending Sunday evening class again.
The class is a deep, philosophical study in Truth. What is truth? Why do I believe what I believe? What is the Christian Worldview? We will watch a video for about an hour each night and then discuss with a small group afterwards. I like the idea that tonight I was in a small group in my church with 10 other people who I'd never met before. I know we will all have to discuss some of the truths of our faith in light of our experiences and that will allow us to connect with one another.
I'm hoping that this study will take the place of therapy for me. I have so many questions that haunt me, and I know how to find the answers, but I don't search for them on my own as much as I should. I'm hoping this study will allow me to think through my doubts and fears.
Jimmy began a sermon series on parenting today. My first thought was "Oh, great, I'll be feeling guilty for the next weeks because he's going to tell me what I did wrong" However, that didn't happen. Instead he reminded me that as a teacher, I'm still involved in the development of my students. He spoke of making my classroom a shelter for my students, a place where they feel safe. I started thinking about that. Do my students feel safe in my room. I'm going to be intentional about making them feel that way. I try to pay attention to the way students treat one another, but I can't hear or see everything. Iam excited about learning new things. I guess that makes me a nerd, but I know that the keys to success are already determined; I just have to connect with them.
So, for the next 13 weeks I will be attending Sunday evening class again.
The class is a deep, philosophical study in Truth. What is truth? Why do I believe what I believe? What is the Christian Worldview? We will watch a video for about an hour each night and then discuss with a small group afterwards. I like the idea that tonight I was in a small group in my church with 10 other people who I'd never met before. I know we will all have to discuss some of the truths of our faith in light of our experiences and that will allow us to connect with one another.
I'm hoping that this study will take the place of therapy for me. I have so many questions that haunt me, and I know how to find the answers, but I don't search for them on my own as much as I should. I'm hoping this study will allow me to think through my doubts and fears.
Jimmy began a sermon series on parenting today. My first thought was "Oh, great, I'll be feeling guilty for the next weeks because he's going to tell me what I did wrong" However, that didn't happen. Instead he reminded me that as a teacher, I'm still involved in the development of my students. He spoke of making my classroom a shelter for my students, a place where they feel safe. I started thinking about that. Do my students feel safe in my room. I'm going to be intentional about making them feel that way. I try to pay attention to the way students treat one another, but I can't hear or see everything. Iam excited about learning new things. I guess that makes me a nerd, but I know that the keys to success are already determined; I just have to connect with them.
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