2010

I've been noticing that the newscasters are calling 2010 Twenty ten instead of two thousand ten. That will take some getting used to. I wonder if it will cross over to us. I'm not sure why it matters.
When I reflect on this year, I can look back with sadness, joy, fear, humor, frustration, pride and humility at the events.
The sadness that permeates our lives is dealing with all the firsts without Jason. It doesn't really matter what yearly event was taking place, there was a bittersweet feeling that Jason was not with us. We survived. I'm so thankful for the prayers of my friends and family that has helped us with our grief.
I've experienced joy, something I didn't think I would feel again after Jason died. My most joyous moments have come when I've been with Tony, Allison, and Carson. We don't get to be together as often as we'd like because everyone has crazy schedules, but we have gone out to dinner or had dinner here, gone to OSU football games. I went to Stillwater several days this summer to help Allison and Carson move and decorate their houses. I love doing that. Any time I am around Crystal and Erica's kids, there is joy. Those little guys bring light into any room.
The fear that I have to overcome is the fear for Allison's and Carson's lives. I think because I have always prayed for my kids, I thought there was some kind of forcefield around them. Since Jason's death I have realized that my prayers are no guarantee of their safety, but I have to find a way to live without the fear.
The humor, something I was afraid would never come back after Jason's death, has never left me. I love laughing with my Sunday School class, the people I teach with, my students, and my family. I am truly relieved that we can laugh together every time we get together.
I was so frustrated when I discovered that the classes I needed to take for the summer couldn't be finished in June, and I not only had to go to school in July, but I also had to go to Durant for one of them. It all worked out ok.
The pride comes in finishing my master's finally. It only took 18 months, but I waited so long to do it.
Lastly, I have been so humbled by the love and support I have received from my friends and family this year. Sometimes I have a crummy day, or my heart starts aching, and I will receive a post on facebook, a call or a visit, and I will feel loved and comforted. Facebook has been so much fun. I have reconnected with people from all over and from all times in my life. Technology amazes me. I wonder what the next ten years will bring.

Christmas 2009

It's December 26, 2009, and Christmas is not over. We still have a family Christmas to attend on Tuesday with Phyllis's kids and grandkids. I always look forward to seeing them. They are growing up so fast.
This year's Christmas has been rough for all of us in Oklahoma. Christmas Eve a blizzard blew in and dumped up to 14" of snow on us. People were stranded on the highways and the interstate system was closed. It didn't bode well for Christmas day. We're lucky enough that our destination of Randy and Cindy's is walking distance from our house, but we were able to get the truck out and enjoy an Indian taco lunch with Randy, Cindy, Cody, Ashley, Aunt Polly, Cindy's parents and Ashley's mom and brothers. Kirby, Beth and Carson were stuck in Piedmont but were able to drive down in the afternoon. Allison was stuck in Stillwater but was able to come home today. So, we opened our "Santa" gifts this afternoon and ate chilli dogs for lunch. Carson's friend Nick joined us.
We have three dogs for the weekend. They are improving each time she visits. At Thanksgiving Allison's dog Capone and our dog Lucy had a couple of run-ins over food and a position at the foot of my bed. Now Allison has Lady, a one year old King Charles Cavalier Spaniel to add to the mix. Amazingly they are all getting along fine.
Christmas Eve night when I realized that the roads were impassable and the kids weren't going to be home for Christmas, I had a little fit. I do that sometimes. Looking back now I realize I again overreacted. Dec. 25th is just a day. There is nothing sacred about that date. The important thing is that we are all safe and warm and that we will eventually get together to celebrate Jesus's birthday.
Many people had to rearrange their traditions this year. My niece whose husband is stationed in Abilene was expecting him to be home for Christmas Eve with all the Santa presents. He couldn't leave, so they had to postpone Santa's arrival until Christmas night. That took some fast talking.
I've been thinking today about Matt Gardner, a member of my Sunday School class. He is somewhere in the Middle East serving our country. My daughter being stranded completely safe in Stillwater is nothing to that.
Some families are experiencing their first Christmas without a loved one this year. I know from experience that traditions change with each death in the family.
I wonder how old I will be when I learn all the important lessons God wants me to learn through the experiences in my life. Patience, Debbie, Patience. The Fruit of the Spirit that we may ask for, but don't want to "learn".

Henry Isaacs

Our friend Henry passed away this morning. He stepped out of this world of pain and into a world with no pain, no need for medicine, oxygen, hospitals.
I can't list all the ways our families are connected. His mother-in-law was my baby sitter. We attended church together. I went to school with his kids. His wife worked with my mother. His daughter Patty and wife Deannie were Jason's baby sitters from the time he was a tiny baby until he was 18 month old. His daughter Brenda carpooled with my sisters. His niece is now my closest friend in the world. Way too many connections to let his death go by without acknowledging his role in my life.
Henry and Deannie continued to keep up with Jason throughout his life. Every time I saw them, Henry would ask, "How's our boy?"
This morning he entered heaven. I hope Jason was in the throng of those who met him at the gate. Henry doesn't have to ask the question any longer. He now knows that "our boy" is perfect as Henry is perfect.
I know this holiday season will be a blurr for his family. Phyllis died on Dec.
19th. I truthfully don't remember that Christmas very well. Soon they will be able to fondly remember Henry in his heathy years. My prayer is that the family will find peace in this time of loss.

Christians with an Attitude. Is that Christlike?

The holiday season brings out the best and worst in all of us. We are stressed, frustrated, confused... One thing a Christ follower shouldn't be is rude. It seems to me that lately we are nitpicking over every statement made by the people we come in contact with. I know that Jesus is the Reason for the Season and that we need to keep Christ in Christmas, but do we have to be so forceful with our opinions. If a store clerk wishes us Happy Holiday instead of Merry Christmas, we may notice it, but we shouldn't be rude to that clerk. The best response is a smile and a Merry Christmas right back.
We are all guilty of not keeping the "reason for the season" in front of us every minute. Can't we give others a break.
We don't live in a part of the country where there are multiple cultures, but some of our huge companies that have stores all over the nation may be based in a more multi-cultural part of the nation, so they may be telling the store managers to tell their clerks to say Happy Holidays.
One thing I am a firm believer of is that we represent Jesus. When I open my mouth, I am speaking as a representative of Jesus. I fall so short, but I must keep in mind that the people whom I come in contact with are expecting me to be Christlike. Jesus was never smart mouthed.
We have to keep in mind that our ultimate goal is for more people to follow Christ. If we are rude, why would a person want to join us as the bride. They wouldn't.
Let's purpose to make every person we come in contact with wonder what makes us so happy and kind. Maybe they will want to meet the God we worship.

Pictures

We took family pictures today. I know we have had pictures before without Jason in them, but it seemed like a turning point for us today when the four of us were looking at the camera. I was glad to get the picture, but I can't help but be a little sad.
I had a really good day. My brother, sister-in-law, and niece brought puppies down for my nieces' kids and Allison. We went to Aunt Polly's today for the Humphrey gift exchange. It's so good to have the kids together. Cody and Ashley are here from San Diego, so with Kirby and Beth, Allison, and Carson, all the cousins were together. They crack me up because they banter back and forth like they always have.
Allison and I went to Crystal and Brandon's to see the kids with their new puppies. Nothing is cuter than Laney tying bows around their neck, Kiersten carrying poor little Meadow around, and Ashton and Gavin lying on the floor being attacked by puppies. Anthony, bless his heart, is too grown up to play with the other kids. He sits with me on the couch while playing pac man on Allison's phone. He's way too grown up for his own good.
I thought of Jason all day. It's inevitable that someone will call Carson Jason when we are together, and then there's this awkward silence for a few seconds. I love the fact that everyone is willing to bring up his name, the things he loved, the things he did, the things he said. He is still such a presence with us here.

Deep water

Our sermon series this month has been about Diving Deep, going beyond the shallow water in pursuit of a relationship with God. I have learned a great deal about diving, but I've also learned about myself. I have been challenged to dig deeper in Bible study, in prayer, in connection to the Holy Spirit.
I wonder how many times in my Christian walk I have heard and accepted this type of challenge only to let it go after a time. I honestly can say that it has been too many to count.
It's about time for my SS class to choose a new topic of study. I've been reading a book about David, a character in the Bible I can totally relate to. David is described as a man after God's own heart, yet he did some awful things in his life. He is a character through which God can teach us of forgiveness. I love reading the Psalms when David is in despair because I've voiced those same words. I love reading when David is worshiping God through his poetry and song because I've been there too. I wonder how long it would take my SS class to do an in depth study of David. He certainly lived an eventful and exciting life.
I want to dive deep into this study. I want to clearly understand how to have God call me a woman after God's own heart.

The house is ready for Christmas, but I'm not.

I made a big step this weekend toward getting ready for Christmas. I decorated the house and put up the tree, but I can't seem to get myself in the mood. I'm better than I was last year because I was able to put up the tree myself instead of calling on friends to do it, but every time I go shopping, I just walk around and look at stuff. I don't buy anything. I haven't seen anything out there that shouts, "This would be great for __________."
Tonight I've watched a couple of Christmas movies; I've been listening to Christmas music; I plan to see The Best Little Christmas Pageant Ever next week. I'm trying.
Next weekend I'll go shopping for our Adopt-a-family project. We will buy for about 20 kids. That always makes me feel good.
I hope tomorrow they will sing carols at church. I have to be reminded every minute that everything is never going to be the way I want it to be, but I can still be happy and enjoy my family throughout the holidays. I have to be reminded that others are counting on me to rejoice; many people in this world are hurting in worse ways than I am. I have to be reminded that Jason is in heaven, a real place.

Something to think about

We all have difficult people in our lives, co-workers, neighbors, family members, the list goes on. Some of those difficult people are being prayed for by Christian family members. One of the prayers I pray for my unsaved family and friends is for God to place people in their paths that can witness to them. I don't mean verbally sit down and witness to them; I mean live before them like a Christ follower is supposed to live. I think about this often when I am facing a difficult person. They may have a relative or friend praying for ME to be the witness. If they are, God's Holy Spirit may be telling me to behave myself. How do I make sure I know who is observing me? I don't, so I have to treat everyone the way I am supposed to. How do I respond when I have a conflict with a difficult person? If I think about him or her as a soul bound for eternity, it alters my response.
The nucklehead causing problems for you may be the very nucklehead I am praying for; please don't undo the witness I have tried to be to them, and I will behave myself for the nucklehead you are praying for.

Hearing from God

This morning in his sermon Jimmy challenged us to turn off the noise and pray. I did that on the way home and my prayer turned into a question fest. I asked God Why?
Why have so many people I love had to die young? What am I supposed to learn from him in all of these deaths? Why do some people go through life without ever losing family members, and we have lost so many? What have I done to merit these losses? Get the idea; I had myself a full-blown pity party. I went home this afternoon in tears. Maybe that's why I have noise around me all the time because when I'm left in quiet, I lose my mind.
Tonight I watched 60 minutes and saw a story on the people who live in the Congo. One woman had lost her husband and three children to war and was then raped by a soldier? Every day is a struggle for survival, for food. I got my answer from God. That woman didn't do anything to deserve her fate any more than I did. Sin entered this world, and we are living proof that sin has consequences.
My method of survival in all the deaths in my family has always been to look for the sadder story. When I was grieving my mom's death 13 years ago, I had a girl in class whose mother had died when she was a freshman. I felt blessed to have had my mother for 41 years. When Phyllis died (by the way, I am now the age she was when she died) we had a sixteen year old boy in our school with testicular cancer. I saw him weekly sitting on the basketball bench wearing a sock cap to cover his bald head. I kept thinking of his twin brother whose fear of losing his brother so young was palpable. His parents were facing the worst possible tragedy, and I kept wondering how they were maintaining their faith and sanity.
Daddy was 83 when he died, and he went quickly: four days from a stroke to heaven. I was reminded of people who live for years after a debilitating stroke and celebrated that Daddy and our family didn't have to endure that. When Linda died, her chronic illnesses had handicapped her for so long that I had to celebrate that she was in heaven with perfect eyesight, no longer blind; with a perfect body, no longer bound by arthritis and excess weight. When Jason died, I couldn't imagine a sadder story. The first message I received from God was the day before Jason's funeral. Our former principal and his daughter happened to come to the funeral home when we were there. His daughter is 28 years and has never seen, never walked; she has experienced life in a body bound by cerebral palsy. She requires full-time care that her daddy now provides for her. Her communication with them is limited to signals and a few words. I was blessed with a healthy son who lived life in a healthy body for 33 years. Lesson one.
Lesson two. I received a card the week after Jason died from a family in Kansas who knew Jason through NCHA. Their only child died the April before after a four-wheeler accident. I have two other children to push me back into life. I can't imagine the emptiness they feel. Lesson three. In October I began communicating with a lady from Elmore City whose 14 year old daughter was killed in an auto accident. Her 17 year old son was driving the car. Such heartache for them all. They had to grieve their daughter and help their son survive the guilt. I think God put this "looking for the sadder story" in me. He knew the day I entered this world what I would face; he knew I would need an extra dose of faith; His Holy Spirit spoke to my mother during my childhood and said, "Teach her my Ways. She's going to need them in her lifetime." Thank you Lord for taking care of me in advance.

Another holiday season

Last year's holiday season was brutal. I couldn't find reason to celebrate. I couldn't find the strength to decorate. I just wanted the days to pass to get it over with. I have been told and have also experienced the reality that each year gets easier, but I wasn't sure that would be true after the loss of my child. I still had my moments this year; when I was making the "green stuff" Jason loved so much--lime jello, pecans, cream cheese, pineapple, and 7-up; when I was making pies and didn't feel the need to make a coconut pie; when we went to the movie Thanksgiving night. Jason loved movies, and we saw dozens the time he spent with us before he moved north. However, I can say that this year has been easier so far. We went shopping yesterday, and I kept thinking about the decorations that needed to be out at my house. That was a good sign to me. Last year I had to have friends over to decorate the tree. Allison told me she was feeling better about the holidays this year too. That's important to me. Our holidays have always been special. We have traditional foods, decorations, and gifts that I want to continue. I have always bought Hallmark ornaments for all three kids, and I will continue to do that. I have placed decorations in the same place--especially stockings. I will always put out Jason's stocking. I want my entire family to feel that he is still a part of our family; he has just moved to heaven. Someday we will begin adding family members, in-laws, cousins and grandchildren; I want them to feel that they know him. If we don't continue to talk about him and the things he contributed to our family, that won't happen.
One funny memory I have of Jason and Christmas decorations is from his freshman year in high school. We were having our first Christmas in Tecumseh, and I put up the decorations. Grandma Violet had made us a ceramic nativity scene that I had always placed on an end table on top of a nativity table cloth that I made. Jason came home and saw that I had put the nativity scene on the piano that year (for a change). He stopped and looked at it and said, "Mom, the nativity goes on that table." Who would have thought that a 14 year old would care, but from that day forward, I have never put it anywhere else. I had another dream about him last night. In this one I asked him if heaven was wonderful, and he just shook his head yes. It was almost like he didn't want to hurt my feelings and tell me he was happier there than here. I woke up feeling a warm feeling of peace.

Emotional week

Tuesday of this week one of my school mates from 1st to 12th grade faced a horrible tragedy. Her sixteen year old daughter was brutally murdered in their home. Her nineteen year old found her sister's battered body where it had been placed in a bed and covered to the neck. The girl's boyfriend has been arrested for the murder, so they are not only grieving their daughter, they are going to be facing a trial, media coverage, probably guilt for not seeing a troubled relationship. So many emotions. On top of all of that, her older daughter is going to need constant support for the horror that she experienced at such a young age.
I talked Judi, my friend, Thursday night and tried to say something that would help her through, but just as people told me so many times after Jason died, "I have no words." That is the truth. There are no words to take away this kind of grief.
When I talked to her, she said she had had reservations about this boy, but she knew that if she forbid her daughter from seeing him, she would sneak around. Isn't that just like a mom; she is second guessing her parenting just as we all do when our kids are involved. As parents we take on all the responsibility of our children's choices. If we think they have chosen to love the wrong person, we want to intervene and make them see the light, but truthfully, we can't really control them in that way. We can pray that they will see the light before it is too late. For this beautiful little girl, it is too late.
After I heard that the boyfriend had been arrested, I started thinking about his family. I've said many times this year that I would rather have gone through the death of Jason than to be the parent of...the girl in Florida who killed her two year old daughter, the shooter in any mass murder, a young man who goes off and kills his sixteen year old girlfriend in a fit of rage. The list goes on. Very often in recent years, the news is filled with stories of parents killing children, children killing parents, stories as old as Biblical times, but still shocking to humanity.
Every mother's and father's nightmare is for their child, boy or girl, to become involved with the wrong person, a person who will harm them physically or emotionally. Those of us who have lived very many year have witnessed many relationships that we've know were doomed from the start. Of course, those of us who have lived very many years have also witnessed some of those relationships result in strong, loving families.
All I can do is to pray that Allison and Carson choose wisely when they choose a mate. I've thought that it would be better if they would let me choose, but I certainly wouldn't want to take on that responsibility.
My prayers are with Judi and her family.

A letter to Jason

These last few days I have been missing Jason so much. I know what has triggered my thoughts of him. I have heard several pieces of information that has caused me to want to call him and share them with him. Life is continuing here, and his friends are having babies and living life. I still get a little sad when I hear about these things, and that makes me ashamed of myself. Now I'm going to write him a letter because I need to fill him in on the happenings of the past week. Maybe doing this will help me focus on the jobs at hand. I rejoice that his friends are enjoying the lives they have, so I'm going to fill Jason in.

Dear Jason,
I know that where you are you do not need a letter from me to tell you of the joy and sadness that we experience here on this planet, but I'm going to tell you anyway.
First, Mr. Blue is doing very well since his return from Korea for cancer treatment.
We're all so thankful.
Jill and Destry had their baby Friday afternoon, a little girl Destynee Jillian. She had a little trouble breathing at first, had to be intubated, but she is doing much better now. I just read that Jill and Destry are going home to see Tanner and Alycen and are heartsick about leaving Destynee in the hospital. That's a tough one.
The big news, Shawn delivered his baby Saturday morning at 1:00 AM on Hefner Parkway. They were on their way to Mercy, but just before they got there, he had to pull over and deliver little Jet Walker Jeffcoat. Shawn might be in a little trouble because he was posting from Cleveland, OK at 10:00 from the ballgame. I haven't talked to them, so I don't know how close she was to her due date, but I'm sure Friday night and Saturday morning were somewhat tense at the Jeffcoat house.
They came home from the hospital Monday. Oh yeah, from everything I have heard, they were expecting this one to be a girl. I guess all these gadgets we have here aren't that foolproof. Jet Walker is boy number four.
Mr. Capps is not doing very well. The family is getting Hospice help, so I know he must be really bad. He turned in his retirement request to the board meeting last night. It makes me so sad. We should be celebrating his retirement, but we can't. I'm so glad that we made him a T shirt quilt out of old Tecumseh Savage T shirts and were able to give it to him when he could use it.
Heather Harwell's mother has been in ICU for over a week. She is on a ventilator, and Ellen and Bill are staying with her. I know Ellen is really missing Heather right now. She is having to shoulder the entire responsibility. I remember being in that situation with mom, but I had Phyllis, Linda, Butch and Peggy and Gary and Kathy to help. I hope they can take the vent off soon. I haven't seen Carol in years, but she has always been so full of life. Not being able to communicate must be horrible for her. She wrote us the sweetest note after you died and said the same thing I am experiencing. When she heard of your wreck, she immediately wanted to call Heather. Then she realized Heather already knew.
Bob Trousdale's cancer is also very advanced. He has been told that there is nothing more that can be done for him. This too makes me sad, but I saw on Facebook (I so wish that you and I had gotten on Facebook that last year you lived in Nebraska; nobody is out-of-range.) Bob is doing an interview for his church about traveling a difficult road with faith. Bob certainly has faith that carries over to all of us.
OK, enough bad news. Carson's 22nd birthday is tomorrow. I know that would bother you. I remember when Kirby turned 21, you said that you didn't like those little boys becoming adults. We'll all meet in the city tomorrow night to eat. Those dinners are always a little bittersweet. We miss you most on those occasions.
You don't know this, but Aaron has married a very nice girl, Jennifer, who has four kids. With his two, her four, and the one they are expecting, they will have seven children. Sherri is already stressed about buying Christmas. Oh yea, the one they are expecting is another girl. I think two of Jennifer's kids are boys, so Aaron will always have someone to hunt with. Sherri really likes this girl.
Dennis and Kristen have two beautiful little girls. The youngest is just a month or so old. Terrye and I are friends on facebook, so I've seen pictures. So cute. Kristen has taken off to be home with them.
This is all that I can think of that I have wanted to call you about except, of course, Cowboy football. Your Cowboys are playing very well. You would be proud.
We all love you and miss you. I'd give anything for one of those long talks you and I used to have. Sorry to have to share so much sad news, but keeping it all in has been killing me. I guess there is a filter between here and heaven, so you won't get to read the bad news anyway. There may be some familiar faces for you to meet in the next few weeks. Keep an eye on the gate.

Another American tragedy.

We've had another senseless shooting spree in America; this time on an Army base. I can't imagine the pain the families of the soldiers are experiencing. If their loved one was home from the Middle East, they probably breathed a sigh of relief when they touched down in Texas. If they were deploying, they probably felt they were save while on American soil. What an ultimate betrayal, to have your soldier murdered by a fellow soldier. I know we always have occasions of friendly fire but not anything like this.
Now the debate has turned to religion. The shooter was Muslim everyone says. I say the shooter was mentally ill. We've had plenty of people who claimed Christianity do abhorrent things, not because they were Christian, but because they were crazy.
One of the best things Christians can do now is to pray for the victims' families, pray for those wounded, and pray that this doesn't add fuel to the fire that is always about to flare between Christians and Muslims.
I am a Christian, but I'm not afraid of American Muslims. You may think I am stupid, but if I am truly thinking that Jesus loves everyone, I should try to be an example of Jesus' love to everyone.
Blaming all who belong to the nation of Islam for this tragedy is like blaming all the Christians for the actions of the KKK. The radicals of all religions do not reflect the majority. They just get the attention.

Find the right fit.

One of the statements in Jimmy's sermon yesterday that I have thought so many times is if you don't agree with the way a church worships, keep looking. Why would anyone stay in a church that is not a fit for them when on another corner in town, they could find the right fit. That's why we have so many denominations and styles of worship.
If someone would ask me what my style is, I would have to say conservative/contemporary. This only makes sense to me. I want contemporary music, teaching, setting, but I am conservative in my behavior in church. I almost always wear a dress; I don't care what everyone else wears. I sing along, but I don't raise my hands in praise. I sometimes want to, but that's just not something I do. Why? Don't know.
My opinion about the typical Baptist church around here is that we are afraid of rituals because someone might think were too close to Catholic, and we are afraid of being too demonstrative because someone might think were too close to Charismatic. So, we rock along in the middle. Before I settled on Harrah Church, I visited a variety of other churches. If I liked the music, I didn't care for the preaching. I require a smart preacher. I refuse to sit week after week and listen to a man speak to me if he hasn't studied more than I have. I want to be taught every week. If I liked the preaching, I usually didn't care for the music. That's why Harrah Church is such a good fit. The music has changed drastically since I first started attending, but the change has been for a valid reason. We are trying to reach people who have never been to church. We can't reach them with songs like.
We're marching to Zion, beautiful, beautiful, Zion
We're marching upward to Zion, the beautiful city of God.
I really like that song, but I grew up singing it.
I also used to sing the four part harmony songs like:
I'll Fly Away, When we all get to Heaven, I'll meet you by the river.
Can you imagine an unchurched person visiting a church for the first time and picking up a hymnal and trying to follow along while everyone is singing different words at different times.
I want people who come in to our church to look at the screen and sing along with the praise songs that we sing today. We often have traditional hymns that have been "remixed" but only those who grew up singing hymns would know that.
I wish I had a surefire way to get visitors to come to church with me. I have to keep praying for opportunities.

Adjectives

I did one of those experiments on facebook that tells your friends to post one words that describe you. I was amazed at about 60 comments that were so kind. Of course, I had to get "old" from a Wellston student, but you know what, the reason so many of the other words were so complementary is because I am old. Not real old, but old enough.
Next week I will turn 55 years old. What would people have said about me when I was 25? I don't know because I wouldn't have posted anything like that then. My friends weren't as kind then as they are now, and I wasn't very admirable. I would have probably been described as snotty, arrogant, silly, blabbermouth. See how words can be twisted to hurt. One of my friends yesterday described me as talkative--truthfully I'm surprised I didn't get loquacious, garrulous, and all the other synonyms for talkative there are. I've been called a chatterbox since I first learned to talk.
I just really want to share that at different times in my life, my descriptive words would have been much different. The most complementary ones to me were the ones that had to do with my spiritual strength. Would those have been used to describe me in previous decades? Maybe it has been the events of the last 13 years that have pushed me to move out of my "silliness" into a mature Christian. My mother died when I was 41, and I had to make a decision then about how I was going to reconcile my faith with her death. Up to that point in my life, I had never had my heart broken. When she died, I felt the pain in my heart. It wasn't just emotional pain; it was physical.
Of course since that time, my two sisters, my dad, and Jason have joined Mom in heaven. With each death I have felt sorrow, heartbreak, severe sadness, but the one thing I have never felt is alone. God has carried me through my darkest hours.
Jason's death has been the most difficult to get beyond, but one thing that is different from what I expected is that every thought of him does not bring pain. My memories of him are sweet. What hurts is his lack of a future. I've said it before, but I will always grieve Jason's future. I will grieve the things he didn't get to experience on this earth, happy marriage, fatherhood, being an uncle. Those things bring much joy on this earth, but I have to keep reminding myself where he is. He has all the joy he needs.
Knowing that lets me be described as strong, faithful, spiritual, etc. Thanks everyone for the complements.

Dreams

Last night I had my first dream about Jason. It didn't make me sad like I thought it would; this morning I felt like I had spent the night visiting with him and my sister Phyllis. We were at Phyllis's house, working in the kitchen, and Jason came in with a wet swimsuit. Phyllis was fussing at him for dripping everywhere, and he was laughing and ignoring her. She never could get him to mind because she thought everything he did was funny.
I am taking a medication (Cymbalta) that has one side effect of vivid dreams. It is a regular occurence for me to get to school and find someone that I had a strange dream about the night before. Most of the dreams are about nothing I can even remotely connect to my life. I think I am a good candidate for the sleep and dreams clinic at OU, but I'm afraid they will take my to the east side of Norman if they dig too deep into my psyche. I would like to talk to someone who could help me analyze them.
After months of the wierd dreams, I only have two that seem the least bit connected. I have dreamed of my parents' house twice. In both of the dreams, the house looked like it did when I was a kid. Daddy did two big remodels on the house. One was to make a garage and bedroom into a den, and the other was to put new kitchen cabinets in the kitchen. In both of my dreams, those remodels had not happened. One of our school counselors told me I was trying to retain precious memories. That makes sense, but why have I dreamed this week that two of our teachers have had weddings or vow renewals? Both of these teachers have been married quite a while. What in the world is that connected to?
I'm trying to get the courage to start the process of going off the depression medication. I have been taking it about six months. The only thing that I really notice about its effectiveness is that I don't cry. Before I started taking the medicine in March, I would suddenly get teary eyed at very inopportune moments. I would be trying to teach a class at school or at church, and something would trigger tears. I also was very frustrated that I couldn't get anything finished. I was having trouble focusing on tasks that had to be done, so my doctor, Doogie Howser, prescribed an anti-depressant. I know that I am not supposed to just go off the drug, so I will need to go back to see him to get his advice. I'm really thinking that after the holidays, I will give it a try. I know that there are lots of people who take drugs like this, but I don't really like take them. I'm a born-again, believer in the God of Heaven. Shouldn't I be able to cope without drugs? We'll see.

Rivalry

I've noticed something lately. There are few friendly rivalries. Republicans and Democrats say terrible things about one another. Baseball fans not only hate their teams' rivals, they hate all the fans of their rivals. Today is another Saturday of the college football season. Texas beat OU this afternoon in a really good game. Even though I am an OSU fan, I can cheer for OU too. I didn't go to either school; I'm an OSU fan because my kids went to OSU, but I really have no reason to hate OU and their fans. I've become sensitive to insensitivity. We are becoming a people with no tolerance for anyone who doesn't agree with us.
We see it in religious differences. I'm a devoted Christian, but I can't hate people of another faith. I just don't believe the way they believe. Is there any possibility of my being able to witness to a person who I have treated unkindly. NO. If I want to be a witness for the meek and humble Jesus, I have to let go of any arrogance that I may project.
Jimmy preached about heaven a few years ago. He gave me a completely different view of heaven in that series, but one thing I remember is that he believes there might be competition in heaven. For competition to be in a perfect place with sinless people is difficult to imagine because we have become so accustomed to trash talk and in-your-face athletics. It doesn't have to be that way.
I look back at my behavior when my kids were competing, and I'm ashamed. I wasn't always a good witness to others. I probably won't be challenged again unless I have grandchildren someday, and I am able to attend their games. If you are reading this and you ever see me act like a fool at a game again, hold me accountable. Remind me that I want to be a good witness.

Different kind of post

Tonight my post is going to be different from the kind I usually post. I just returned from the Relay for Life of Tecumseh Committee Meeting. We met tonight to begin planning the Relay event that will take place May 14th 2010. We chose "Knock Cancer out of the Park" for our theme this year, so everybody get your baseball team ideas together and prepare for a fun night.
I'm linking this post to my Facebook page because I have too much to share to just put it in little word bites.

First, on a personal note,
My reason to relay:
1.My cousin Kimberly Rider died of leukemia when I was in high school. If Kimberly had been born a little later, she probably would not have died from her cancer. Research has made the diagnosis of childhood leukemia change from a death sentence as it was in the late 60's early 70's when Kimberly was sick to a conquerable disease.
2. My life-long friend Shirley Walck is a two-time cancer survivor. I walk every year celebrating the almost 20 years since Shirley's first diagnosis. She has two beautiful grandchildren who would have missed out on a terrific Granna if research had not made breast cancer survivable.
3. I have so many dear friends who are battling cancer and some wonderful friends that have lost their battle with cancer in whose honor I walk. I know I will miss someone, but I will list the ones that come to my mind tonight.
Sharyl Patten, Jame Blue, Roy Capps, Bob Trousdale, Blake Matlock, Natalie O'Dell, Terry O'Rorke, Sharon Warden, and Shelby Elred's mother are all fighting right now. I can't do much to help them in their fight, but I can feel that I am actively doing something for them by being involved in Relay.
Kimberly Rider, Cheryl Sing, Ron Webb, my aunts, Reet and Mary, are now in heaven, and I feel an obligation to continue the fight so that other people who get the kind of cancer that took their lives will survive.
3. Relay is fun. I have made so many wonderful friends out of acquaintances through Relay for Life of Tecumseh. Many of the people I have worked with for the past several years are people I knew casually; now I know them well, and we have a blast whether we are planning for Relay or actually participating.
Now for the plea. If you have never been involved in a Relay for Life, make this the year to get involved. Join an already existing team, or make a new team. Come to the next meeting at Tecumseh's City Hall on November 10th at 6:30 and check out how easy it is to have a team. You can always call me to see what all is involved. My cell in 820 6370.
By the way my job this year is the On-Line Chair because they needed someone who likes to communicate on-line. Why did everyone look directly at me when they came to that job?

Another Saturday night.

This time last year Saturday nights were always very sad. I was marking the weeks since Jason's death, and that's all I could think about. A year has passed, and I have found myself not marking the weeks any longer. That's a relief. Time really does heal. Don't get me wrong; not a day goes by that I don't miss him, but it no longer feels like a sucker punch to the heart when I do. I remember last year thinking that the pain would never lessen. I really didn't want it to lessen at that time. The pain and grief kept me connected to Jason. In many circumstances I've heard that a person shouldn't make any real changes during the first year of grief. This advice is especially given to widows or widowers, but I can see why that would be true. I have been in no shape to make major life decisions this year.
When I finished my Master's, I wanted so much to change jobs, but I didn't even put out a resume. Now I realize why. It is a comfort to know what I'm doing at work right now. I know that because we just finished the first semester, it's time to begin to think about the research paper. I'm familiar with the Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass and Huckleberry Finn, so I don't have to spend time planning because I know what's next. I like to change things up each year, but I don't have to start from scratch. Maybe next year I will be ready for something new. I realize now that last year I was back at school at this time, I really don't remember very much about teaching from Oct. to Dec. Those poor kids. I joked with them that their teacher had Alzheimer's because I would forget so many things, but I really did have a brain injury. My mind just couldn't wrap itself around one of my kids being gone.
I think some of my friends at school covered for me last year. I'm sure that students complained about my addled brain, but it never got to me. That's another reason I was afraid to put out resumes. I am truly blessed to work with my friends. We get along so well and enjoy one another's company. We saw a popular video a few years ago as part of in-service about a fish business in Seattle that has so much fun at work that people take their lunch hour to watch their work. Someone should come in to our school and do a documentary about how important it is to enjoy being around the people we work with. I talk to people all the time who can't stand the people they work with. How sad for them. I don't know the magic that makes us like this, but it has been this way for twenty years. Teachers have moved, retired, left, and teachers have been hired and added to our group, and the atmosphere around me stays the same. We care about one another and all the families represented. We have a standing joke that we usually start our stories now with, "I know I've told this story before, but..." So we have a plan to just number our stories and then laugh when someone calls out that number. The thing is I usually like hearing their stories again. My favorite is Gina's story of having a discussion with her son Andrew about some discipline issue. She and Dave had given Andrew some scenarios so that he wouldn't make the same mistake again. When they asked him what he had learned, he said, "I know what a scenario is." That's number 68.

Patterns.

I've been very busy this week, and I started getting sick Monday. I stayed home Tuesday holding my breath that I was getting the flu because I had such a miserable evening and night Monday. I guess I just have a cold because I no longer have fever, so I went back to school Wed. These past couple of weeks I have been reading the posts from the first of this blog. This time last year, I was doing the exact same thing I did tonight. I made out a final tonight to give tomorrow; that's what I did last year. I don't have a very exciting life, do I?
Sometimes I have to remind myself that the students I have are doing these things for the first time. I may have read a piece of literature several times, but they are reading it for the first time. If they don't quite understand all the ins and outs of something that seems so simple to me, its my job to bring them along.

Today Ruth (one of my co-workers who retired a couple of years ag0) brought lunch for our lunch bunch. It was so nice to see her and visit with her at lunch. It made me think about the changes in our school staff over the time I have been here. I am amazed that it is time for me to be one of the people moving on to something new. I guess I am afraid of what change might bring. I am comfortable with the way things are, but I would like very much to try my luck at helping secondary readers.
I have some kids in class right now that I think I could help if I didn't have such large classes. True helps comes to students in one-on-one or very small group situations.
I'm again asking for prayer that I will know when the right time is to do something new, to start a new pattern in my life.

Patience

Caleb waited 45 years to receive the land that was promised to him. I've waited almost 30 years for something that I believe God wants me to have, but I lose sight of the promised land sometimes and get discouraged. I wonder if Caleb ever became so discouraged that he was about to give up and think his promise would never be fulfilled. God's time is not our time. I've learned that lesson over and over in my life. I wonder how long it will take me to bring that to my mind first instead of after nail biting, worry, anger, etc.
The funny thing is that in my reading of Joshua and Proverbs paired, this is what Proverbs in The Message says to me today.
Proverbs 3:5
Trust God from the bottom of your heart,
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go.
he's the one who will keep you on track.

I love it when I coincidentally read just the passage I need. I've many times searched for something to answer my questions intentionally by using a concordance or other aid.
I am following along with several people right now who are having to trust God from the bottom of their hearts. So many people battling cancer are having to let go and let God. Mr. Blue, Mr. Capps, a high school classmate's sister, Bob Trousdale, Natalie O'dell, to name a few. All of them say the same thing; we just have to trust God because all of this is out of our hands. They are trusting doctors and their treatments and not trying to figure out everything on their own. That may be the most difficult thing for humans to do. We want to be in control.
I lost control of my life when Jason was killed. I realized that I can't control anything, I can only trust God. God sees my future; He knows what else I will have to face. I will listen for God's voice in every trial because He will keep me on track.

Wisdom of Solomon

Proverbs 2: 9-15
So now you can pick out what's true and fair,
find all the good trails.
Lady Wisdom will be your close friend,
and Brother Knowledge your pleasant companion
Good Sense will scout ahead for danger,
Insight will keep an eye out for you,
They'll keep you from making wrong turns,
or folowing the bad direction.

Wisdom, knowledge, and good sense--do we need anything else. Some might add Faith, but if you have true wisdom, knowledge, and good sense, faith is a natural result.
I have spent my adult life as an educator, and I have taught some brilliant students. Many of the most brilliant academically have also been very wise, but some have not been. As a parent, I would prefer my children be wise over brilliant. I want them to use the good sense that I know they are capable of using. According the this passage Good Sense will scout ahead. That's what it takes; thinking through all the possibilities. Some kids can do that; some have to learn the value of doing it by ignoring warning signs and other people's experiences.
Those are the ones that learn everything the hard way. They will not look at anyone else's experience and learn a lesson that prevents them from going the same direction.
That is frustrating to me as a parent and a teacher, but can you imagine how frustrated God must be with us. We have the Bible for an example, but we don't read it carefully and often enough to have what we read impact our choices. That's not very wise, is it?

Joshua 9

Now I remember why the Old Testament is so difficult for me to read. I realize that God knew the big picture,so when the people of Israel were told to completely obliterate a people, that was the right thing for them to do. It's just very difficult to read. I prefer the Sermon on the Mount, the Beatitudes, the Epistles of the New Testament. I have to force myself to read these books of the Old Testament by softening them with passages a little less violent. This morning on KLOVE they challenged the listeners to read a chapter of Proverbs every day during the month of October because Proverbs has thirty-one chapters. That will be my plan for the month. I will finish Joshua and Judges this month too, but I will temper them with the wisdom of Solomon. At the introduction in The Message, Peterson states that wisdom is the biblical term for this on-earth-as-it-is-in-heaven everyday living. I could use some wisdom right now. As I've come to realize in my "mature years," I need to live the promised life. To do that I have to make sure I stay connected. If I unplug this computer from the internet, this blog won't post. If I unplug myself from God, the evidence that I live for Jesus will not be clear to others.
My pacifist leanings come out strongly when I am reading the passages about war and destruction. I can't stand to hear that we need to send more troops into harm's way, but if I had a son somewhere that needed more troops, I would want help for my son. War is a catch 22. Peace may be the thing I most look forward to about heaven.
I'm so thankful for the New Covenant. I'm so thankful that we live under grace. In the passages I have been reading this week, the people had to follow the letter of God's instruction or they faced dire consequences. Aren't we glad that is not how we live today. I would have dropped dead about five minutes after I reached the age of accountability.

Courage

I'm reading Joshua right now because Jimmy has been preaching on it for a few weeks. I love the idea of doing something that God tells you to do that causes everyone else to question your sanity. Don't you think that when Joshua was telling the people to march around the walls, blow the trumpets, carry the ark of God, cross the Jordan, that people were shaking their heads and wondering what Joshua was smoking.
Seriously, when people watch Christ followers doing what God has told us to do, they probably think the same thing. You give how much to the church? You go to church every week? You read your Bible every day? You're making food for someone from in your class who is sick? You listen to positive, encouraging KLOVE all the time? You spend quiet time with God every morning before you go to work? That's not all necessary; you can get to heaven without doing all of those things, right? Right, but I need those things. I have found that I need positive, encouraging reading material and music. I need church every week. I need quiet time. I need the people in my Sunday school class. It won't get me to a higher place in heaven, but it will make my days here on this earth better than they would have been without all these things and people.
The thing is these things are just as foreign to some people as marching around the walls of the city every day for seven days. Why would you do something so absurd? It has taken me many years to understand exactly why I do the things I do. I do them because they make me feel good. Reading the Old Testament isn't always my favorite thing--too many wars, too much destruction, too many sad stories, but I can see God working in the lives of his people, so I feel a connection to people who lived thousands of years before me. They had struggles; they sinned; they failed; they grumbled, but ultimately they followed God. I have struggles, I sin, I fail, I grumble, but ultimately I follow God. All of the hoops I jump through (according to some people) are for me; they are not for God. He is God; he doesn't need me to do these things, but he wants me to.

Another blessed Sunday

One year ago today my family joined me for church because we had just buried Jason the Friday before, and I needed their support. Today Allison, Mike, Crystal, Erica, and their kids joined me again. Crystal's and Erica's kids are so cute and sweet. They all crack me up. For some reason Kiersten had a blown up balloon. I kept thinking that it would pop during service and scare everyone to death. In today's climate everyone would hit the floor and think that a gunman was in the building. The balloon stayed intact all through service, so everything was all right.
After church we went to Bethel to Anthony's third grade football game. What fun. Those little guys are serious. Anthony's team won in the fourth quarter. A defensive battle. The game stayed tied 0-0 until close to the end. Then Bethel scored a touchdown and a 2 point conversion.
We all came back to the house and ate chilli dogs while the kids played in Allison's room. The girls went home with pom pons, and the boys had a video game that was sent to me by mistake to take with them. They were playing with the barns, trucks and horse trailers, animals etc. that all belonged to Jason. The animals were all branded with either his brand JH or Kirby's H. Cracked me up. Jason was never a kid; he played very serious games.
I have a very busy week. I'm serving on a committee in OKC this week and have to be in the city Tue., Wed, and Thurs. The committee's purpose is to review test items for the end-of-instruction English test. When I was asked to serve on the committee, it was summer, and I didn't really think it through. Now I'm wishing I had said no. Nothing is worse than getting abunch of English teachers together to review something that someone else has written. My plan is to go spend one night at my friend Cindy's so that we can catch up. That will be the bright spot of the week.
I'm blogging right know to avoid doing lesson plans. I hate to be gone for that reason. It is 10x easier to teach school than it is to plan to be gone.

Our current sermon series is on Joshua. It has been very challenging to me. Today Jimmy asked us how much time to we spend reading the Bible for our own benefit, not to prepare a lesson, but to challenge and enlighten ourselves. Man, that hit me right between the eyes. I used to do that. Before Jason's death (and this is no excuse) I read a passage and journaled on it each morning. One complete year has passed since my last journal post because I know how much I prayed for my kids in that journal. When Jimmy shared this morning that his kids would have a stack of journals to read that would reveal his strengths and weaknesses, triumphs and struggles, I realized that I used to say that too. I haven't been able to read those journals because I keep seeing the daily prayer of "keep my children safe, physically, spiritually, and emotionally." All I focus on is the unanswered part of that prayer. Jason died physically, but spiritually he is complete. Allison and Carson suffered the worst loss of their lives in losing Jason, so I keep thinking of their emotional pain, but their spiritual lives are secure.
I'm going to "screw my courage to the sticking place" and begin journaling again. in my own hand as I always did. I've been living between the Red Sea and the Jordan. I'm ready to live in the promised land.

Another tribute

I went to school today and looked at the benches in front of the Alumni Building. There are about ten really nice park benches out there. My mother-in-law told me that according to her connections, Jason's class was buying one to put out there with Jason's name on it. I was a little afraid to look at it before school because I never know how I will react to things like this. I know when I first saw his name on a headstone, it took me a while to recover, but this morning I was touched but not wiped out. Thanks Class of 1993; you are very sweet kids. I realize you are no longer kids, but you are to me.
I've had several weeks in a row of busy, busy weekends, so this weekend I am saying no to all excessive activities. Tomorrow I will go to the football game, but Saturday I'm going to do as little running around as possible. I may go to Sam's because I need some things from there. This week I have had a difficult time getting up. For years I have gotten up at six and have been ready to leave a little before seven, but this week I haven't gotten up until 6:30 which gets me to school around 7:30. We don't start class until 8:30, but for some reason I need more than an hour to be ready. I'm thinking that if I don't run around all weekend, I'll be more rested. We'll see.

Update on Mr. Blue

A few weeks ago I posted that my former principal, James Blue, went to Korea for cancer treatment. He arrived home this past weekend after seven weeks in Korea. He has more treatment to take here in the US, but Dr. Moon (in Korea) gave him hope that no doctor in the US gave him. His brain cancer is gone, and the lung cancer is in remission. Praise God and Korean doctors.

Whispers in scripture.

I am reading Max Lucado's book For the Tough Times. In Chapter 8 he discusses death from God's perspective. There are some Bible verses that have troubled me ever since my mother died. "For the dead in Christ shall rise..." Taken out of context of the entire scripture, this sounds like they are in limbo until then. I want to think of my family members who have passed on living together in heaven. This book gives me solid answers for my questions. Many times when I have voiced this question and the doubts in my mind, people have reminded me of the thief on the cross. "Today you will be with me in paradise." I love the way Max explains this theology. He says, When speaking about the period between the death of the body and the resurrection of the body, the Bible doesn't shout; it just whispers."

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far. (Phil. 1:21-23 NIV)

Now I am mixing Lucado's words with mine.
It is right for us to weep, but there is no need for us to despair. They had pain here (Jason's body hurt from years of riding horses; this time of year he would have been suffering greatly with allergies.) They struggled here (Jason lived with a great deal of frustration after his divorce.) He has no pain or struggles there. I may wonder why God took him home. But he doesn't. He understands. He is, at this very moment, at peace in the pressence of God.

I don't know how much time will pass before I join him in heaven, but I do know this. He is not missing me. He is living in paradise, with people that he loved here on this earth and with Jesus. I will always miss Jason; for the remainder of my days I will regret his death, but that is the very human, selfish side of me. Why exactly would I want him to come back to this horrible and wonderful place? I'll tell you why--because I am human and selfish. \
I can't possible erase the grief, but I can continue to read God's word and the words of Godly men and women who will help me get through it. I've said it before--I'm so glad I am a reader. I have benefitted greatly from the books that I've read in every troubling situation.

Year one

In just one hour Jason will have been in heaven for one full year. I'm hoping that my Tylenol PM will take effect soon, and I will go to sleep. My head and heart has been full of Jason this weekend. I've laughed, cried, and felt every emotion that a mother feels when she is proud of the kid she raised. I've tried to think about his life here on this earth. I've tried to see the contribution he made to the planet. It wasn't financial; he didn't care a thing about money. It wasn't by leaving behind a family for which I am both resentful and grateful. It wasn't fame although I am still amazed at the number of friends he had. What did he leave us? Jason left zest for life, loyalty to friends and family, laughter, concern, comfort, consideration and a multitude of other virtues that will come to me later.
How have I survived this year? First, I know Jason is in heaven with Jesus and the loved ones who have gone before. That gives me a great deal of comfort. I've wondered if they will have a birthday party in heaven for him. He loved Phyllis' carrot cake. Maybe she made him one.
I know that part of the reason I have put one foot in front of the other this year is because my mother equipped me for this life. If you are reading this while you are raising children, take your children to church. Give them the opportunity when their hearts are tender to accept Jesus and know his salvation. Give them the tools that will help them navigate the heartache and sorrow this life may offer them. I know my mother had no idea what I would face, so she provided a way for me to face whatever came my way.
I have a wonderful family. Yesterday Tony and I went to Stillwater and tailgated with Allison, Carson, and their friends. Then we went to the ballgame, took our first family picture since July of 08 and enjoyed one another's company. No one can know how difficult it is to continue living without Jason, but there's no excuse for us to stop living. He is in a place that will never experience the pain of death, suffering, worry, stress, financial concerns, illness...the list goes on.
I have an awesome Sunday School class that enjoys one another's company and has a deep concern for each other. We laugh and share our lives and then share the truths of our faith.
Allison, Mike, Crystal, Erica, and all the kids came to church today and then we went out to lunch at Garfield's. Kids eat free on Sunday. I sat at the table with Toni Henry, Allison, Mike and Ashton and Gavin. Ashton and Gavin are both four-years-old and kept us entertained the entire meal. The sang songs they have learned in school this year, drew pictures on the table, and made me laugh. Ashton kept calling me Gwamma and asked my why I didn't ever come to his house. I got to thinking that if he really thinks I'm his Gwamma, he must think I'm a terrible one. I'm going to start visiting him more often. Actually, I'm his great, great aunt. I know that seems incredible, but his Papa Gary Powell (that's what the kids call him) is my nephew. I was five when he was born, so his kids and mine were raised together. They couldn't be closer than if they were all first cousins.
I came home Thursday from work with a beautiful painting of running horses with a scripture on it(I'd put the scripture in here, but I would have to get out of bed to go read it). Attached to the gift were many, many "thinking of you" cards from the faculty and staff of my school.
I kept thinking of a way that I could thank them tomorrow without the emotional scene of thanking them verbally or the impersonal thank you note. My idea--cookies.
I will thank them with cookies, so tonight I made chocolate chip, white chocolate/cranberry/coconut, and peanut butter cookies to take to school tomorrow.
I love the people I work with. They are some of the kindest, most generous people I have ever met. There are very few of them who knew Jason, but they have let me share my funny stories with them, so they all feel like they knew him. I hope I don't drive them crazy with my stories. Just when you think you have told all the stories and don't need to share them any more, we get a new faculty member, so we all start sharing our funniest ones. Some of us have been around for so long that we have heard most of the stories, but that doesn't stop us. We all still laugh which is what gets us through the day. Sometimes I'm so tired after laughing at lunch that I feel like I've been doing aerobics. I'm sure we burn some calories.

Honoring Jason

We are facing the one year anniversary of Jason's death. I remember so well how much I accomplished one year ago tomorrow. I scrubbed my porch and washed down the front of the house, cleaned house, bought groceries. I have always loved days off when I can be home alone. I don't mean that to be mean to Tony, but when he's here, I don't get as much done.
Tomorrow morning I have a haircut scheduled for 8:30 and then I will probably go to get a pedicure, buy a few groceries, and go home to clean house. I was so busy last weekend that I didn't get much work done around here. Tomorrow night I will go to the football game to sell raffle tickets for the t-shirt quilt. We would like to sell enough that the amount we can give Mr. Blue and Mr. Capps will be of assistance for their incidental expenses.
Saturday we will head to Stillwater to tailgate, at Carson's house, and then go to the ballgame. We wanted to do something together that Jason would have liked. I have another goal. We haven't taken a family picture since last year. I just haven't been able to do it, so this weekend I'm going to.
The pain of thinking about each hour Sunday morning from 3:00 A.M. is horrible. It's odd; I have some memory blanks from some of the time right after his death, but not during those first days. My blanks are from after the funeral to Christmas. Sometimes I will see something or read something, and it will trigger a suppressed memory. Isn't that strange? You would think the blanks would come earlier.
My memories of him have been so vivid in recent weeks. Stories have come to my mind that I haven't thought of in a long time. Is this a gift from God so that I can remember him fondly?
Thank you God for my family and friends. Thank you for Jason and his roll as big brother, son, cousin, grandson, nephew and friend. Thank you for the phone calls, cards, and gifts from my family and co-workers. Thank you for giving your son and for receiving my son.

Small town life

Today I went to a benefit dinner for two men in our community who are battling cancer. I have no idea how many people were there, but let me just say there was a steady stream of people for about three hours.
I sold $240 worth of tickets for the quilt we are drawing for. We were able to give the quilts to Mr. Blue's family and Mr. Capps's wife, so we don't have to worry about any of us taking cold and flu bugs into their homes.
I'm so proud to be from a community that cares about its citizens. I know both Mr. Blue and Mr. Capps are proud men who would not want to be on the receiving end of charity, but I know both of them to be such giving men. I would tell them, "Don't rob us of our blessing. We want to do this."
Danny Sterling, who is our assistant principal and former ag teacher, was taking the money for the dinner today. He was overwhelmed by the generosity of people who gave donations over the cost of their dinner. I'm not surprised. Everyone wants to help, but their little donation is awkward to give, but to join with others makes it seem like your gift can really make a difference. I don't know how much they took in today, but I know that incidental expenses of an illness can be tough.
I had to swallow my pride last year when I was planning Jason's funeral. The expense of a funeral is so great today that I was certain that after all was said and done, we would still have a bill. We didn't. In the first few days after his death, I kept getting asked if we had established a Memorial Fund, but we hadn't. There were so many people wanting to do something and so many flowers at the funeral home and at our house that I didn't really think we would get that much, but both the bank and Jason's friends convinced us to open a memorial account. We received gifts from people we had never heard of from all over the country. We were able to pay for the service and buy a headstone with the donations and the insurance from his truck. That was such a relief for us. It's bad enough to lose a child, but it would have been horrible to have to "make a payment" to the funeral home each month.
Jason had very amazing friends from high school, Connor's, OSU, National Cutting Horse Association, Nebraska. The outpouring of love was a very touching phenomenon.
I always want to do something for a family who has had a loss, but sometimes I'm not sure what is best. Here in Tecumseh the first response is always food, but I've been on the receiving end of that so many times it's not funny. There's always too much food. We always call friends and family and tell them to "come and help us eat this elephant." I started taking in the place of food things like ziploc bags and containers, foil, etc. It has been a complete year since Jason died, and I bought my first Kleenex this past week. I bought paper towels and toilet paper for the first time this summer. The paper plates lasted until about February. The people in this town are the most generous people on earth.
After my uncle passed away in San Antonio, Phyllis, my dad and I flew down for the service. They had to order take-out barbeque for us. It's not as if he didn't have friends; he was active in church; he was president of his local AARP group; his funeral was a large one. People down there just don't take food like we do here.
I like small town life.

More sweet memories

Last night's post triggered some strong, vivid memories for me. When Jason was about three months old, Tony would put him on his back on our bed and bounce the bed. Jason would laugh outloud every time. He loved it. Tony tried it with Allison when she was that same age, and she puckered up and screamed, grabbing at the air trying to find something to hold on to. Don't tell me you can raise boys and girls the same.
Jason was rough and ready from the moment he bacame mobile. He crawled so fast that he could be into something before you even realized he was gone. He played hard and then fell asleep where he was. I have pictures of him asleep in his highchair and standing next to the couch with his feet on the floor and his head lying on the couch sound asleep, and just in random places on the floor.
He had the sweetest blond curly hair that we didn't cut until he was about 18 months. He went from a baby to a little boy in one haircut.
He had an impish side that was obvious from the gleem in his eyes. For some reason he loved to empty things, his toybox, his diaper bag, anything that you put something in, he would empty.
One memory that still makes me laugh happened the first week we moved to Wellston. Jason was 17 months old when we moved there. He and I had made a trip to Edmond and had just returned home when two ladies from the First Christian Church came to visit and bring us a "welcome to Wellston" cake. I had just brought all the groceries into the house, and they were still in bags on the dining area floor. I was trying to pay attention to our guests who later became very dear friends. Deanna Braziel and Betty Ivey and I were trying to get acquainted, and Jason was taking all the groceries out of the bags. He was carrying cans, boxes, etc. everywhere. I was so embarrassed, but now I can just laugh. I would go pick him up, move him to the living room, try to get him playing with his toys, and he would head back to the kitchen. He was one stubborn kid.

Busy, busy, busy

I have dreaded the month of September since last September, but it is going so fast that I haven't had too much time to think. I have to be gone from school tomorrow, so I spent today trying to get lesson plans ready. Friday night we have concert tickets to Sugarland, Saturday morning I have to give the ACT and then go home to watch ballgames. Sunday is always busy; next Tuesday and Thursday are those long days when we do parent-teacher conferences. Next Friday is a day off. That's the day I'm worried about. Last year I did a lot of cleanup outside on that day, the day before our family was forever changed. I'm going to pray for good weather that day, so I can do physical, exhausting work--the kind that makes you sleep good.
I'm trying to exercise daily because it makes me feel better, so I'm not at home all evening to think about this time last year. For some reason the one thing I used to be able to do to take my mind off worries or grief is not working with this. I used to be able to read when I needed an escape, but that doesn't work now. I can't escape this. I have ordered a Max Lucado book called For the Tough Times that I'm hoping will give me some good advice about how to step into year two.
I have some books on grief that people gave me last year; I may get them out and re-read them.
My friends are trying to help. They are inviting me to go to happy movies and banning me from some of the sad ones out right now. They don't have to worry; I
don't want to see any movie that had a sad story to tell. Life is sad enough; I don't need to make sadness a part of my entertainment, but I never really have done that.
I keep thinking of Jason--the person he grew to be from the baby and boy we raised. What do I remember most about him as a baby. He was always happy; he loved to eat; he was loving and cuddly and wanted to be rocked. The child was never sick. I think he was over a year old before he ever had a doctor's appointment for anything but a well-baby checkup. Somehow he knew we didn't have the money to go the the doctor and to buy medicine. He took his first steps at my mom and dad's house at eight months. When he was about four months old, we visited my brother's house. They had a huge aquarium. Jason would sit in a bean bag in front of those fish and just be mezmerized by those colorful fish. He would look out the door at our house and say, "doors" when he wanted to go outside. Most kids say "side" but not Jason; he spent a lot of time with my parents and Tony's parents and his baby sitter. I don't know which one of them taught him to say doors, but I'm sure one of them did. We took him to the zoo when he was a year old. If the animal was big and had four legs, it was a Hor (horse); if it was small, it was a Dau (dog). As he grew older he played with my long hair to go to sleep. When he was four, he had to take his naps with a little girl named Toby at daycare because her hair felt like mine. He loved horses and anything to do with horses. He spent hours as a little boy pretending to move imaginary cows around the corrals and pens. He loved to be read to. When he was little and it was time for bed, he would go get a stack of books, as many as he could carry, and climb up in my lap. If I stopped reading for a second, he would reach up and hit my mouth and say, "Read, Momma." It used to make me so mad. One of his favorite books was the most annoying book, but he loved to hear it. It was Hi all you Rabbits. My mom, Janna, Phyllis, and I all read it so often that we had it memorized. It was at my mom's house, and I never volunteered to take it home with us. We would hide it, but he always found it.
It said, Hi all you rabbits, what do you do? Hop and Stop Hop and stop, that's what all rabbits do. Hi all you horses what do you do? Whiny and gallop, Whiny and gallop; that's what all horses do. Then it continued with several other animals. Why do kids like that kind of book?
What's interesting to me--these memories don't make me sad. That precious baby has been gone for so long. What I do grieve is that he never got to have the experience of bringing a child into the world and watching that child grow.
I know he had bonded with the children of many of his friends, but that's not the same.

Crazy, Crazy

The past week or two our nation has gone goofy. Word was out that on the traditional day after Labor Day that starts the school year for many of America's school students President Obama was going to give a speech to the students. Ok, so today he gave that speech, and many of the schools did not show it because parents complained that he would indoctrinate the students with his political idealogy.
I read the transcript yesterday, and saw absolutely nothing offensive in it. It sounded like words my students need to hear. Study, don't drop out, wash you hands, read a book, respect your teachers, stop kids from bullying. What is so dangerous about that?
The thing that embarrasses me is that much of the misinformation out there was contributed by Christian people who listen to anything negative about President Obama and believe it.
Today on Channel 4's website there was a post that said, Thou Shalt not Bear False Witness, unless you are the Baptist Messenger. I don't get the Baptist Messenger, but I would certainly hope that their writers check carefully all of their sources.
I work with both Christians and non-Christian people. If the Christians who are part of this "fear" propaganda knew how the non-Christian people were talking about all Christians right now, they would realize that they are doing damage to the cause of Christ. People who hear the "fear Democrats" "fear Obama" "fear health care" "fear anyone who is different from you" fear, fear, fear are thinking that all Christians think like you do, and they want absolutely nothing to do with Christianity. My pastor began using the term Christ Follower a couple of years ago. What makes me sad is that I think he changed his terminology because so many people think of Christian with a negative connotation.
I have beloved family members and friends that I attempt to be a witness to, but they very forcefully tell me that they want nothing to do with today's churches.
I read a book several years ago called Following Jesus without Embarrassing God. Now I think someone should write a book called Following Jesus without being a Christian.
President Obama made his speech today, and the students in my school did not hear it. My concern is that they will never hear it. Many of the students I teach do not have parents who will sit down with them and have them watch the speech, so tonight they will watch Family Guy, Married with Children, The Simpsons, and other garbage that will tell them to be a slacker, be rude, be smart mouthed, treat your parents and teachers with disrespect.
What amazes me is that we can have assemblies and career fairs and invite guests to come and speak during the school day, and parents don't complain. Who knows what message the kids are getting? The most popular sessions are the military recruiters because they usually bring gifts. a helicopter, or a hummer, so the kids flock to their sessions. Talk about indoctrination. A recruiter can convince any 17 year old to sign up with talk about signing bonuses, free college, tours in Hawaii, etc.
When my kids were in school, I would not allow them to talk to a recruiter. I had to get rude with the recruiters by saying, "If my student wants to join, he/she will contact you after his/her eighteenth birthday. Until then leave them alone."

Politics and Religion--not a mix.

I don't remember my Grandpa Rogers, Mom's dad. He died when I was 18 months old, but I heard stories about him. My dad used to say that G. P. (George Patton) loved to argue, especially politics and religion. Daddy, on the other hand, used to say that those were both subjects that you should stay away from in polite company. The last two weeks our Sunday School lessons have been on The Heaviness of Hatred and A Love Worth Giving. There have been so many thought provoking questions in the lessons that have made me repent for harboring resentment against people that I need to let go of. Some of the resentment has been because of my political beliefs that differ from some of the people that I work with and am acquainted with. I resent being told that you can't be a Christian and a Democrat; I beg to differ. I'm pro-life-- entire life. We shouldn't expect women to give birth to children because we think it is a sin to have an abortion and then expect that woman to "pull herself up by her bootstraps and take care of herself and the child." We need to use some of our taxes to educate or train her and to make sure the child she gave birth to has health care and an education. I believe in taxes for the greater good.
I'm very firm in my religious convictions; there is nothing I need to argue with anyone about because "I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I've committed unto Him against that day." However, when you add today's climate of politics and religion together, there is much to argue about.
I'm really glad that Daddy and Jason are not here to witness the politics of the day.
My daddy was a yellow dog Democrat, and Jason was a Republican. I don't think they ever discussed politics, but if they had, Pa would have looked at Jason differently for the first time. My dad thought Jason was perfect and to find that they had different political beliefs would have rocked Daddy's world. Jason knew Daddy's convictions and believed that he was just a stuborn old man.
In the 80's politics and religion got combined when the Republican party (this is my opinion right now) decided they needed some more people. They had traditionally been known as the party of the wealthy, so they became aligned with the religious right and the gun control groups. We have seen several of the politicians who used the religious right to get elected fall in disgrace in recent years. God will not be mocked. I don't believe that all Republicans fall into this category, but if they are, they will be exposed. I have always been moderate in my political convictions, but as a public school teacher, I lean much closer to the Democratic party. I see too many of my students living in poverty under no fault of their own. I can't stand to think about a hungry child. I want to help them if I can, but the need is too great for me alone. I need the help of the nation. I'm overjoyed when one of the most impoverished students continues his or her education and become a contributor to society.
Again I believe firmly in taxes for the greater good, which is a principle of the Democrats. I converted completely to this ideology after my parents became retired and were old enough for Medicare. My mom spent two and a half weeks in the hospital before she died. She was in intensive care in St. Anthony's hospital for a week and a half. Because she had Medicare and a supplement, we paid absolutely nothing out-of-pocket. After she died, I took care of my dad's finances, medical care...everything. Dad spent his first night in the hospital when he was seventy--seven years before Mom's death. He had a heart attack, needed by-pass surgery, and because he had Medicare and a supplemental policy, he paid nothing out-of-pocket for this very expensive procedure. For some reason the amount 35,000 comes to my mind, but I'm not sure about that.
Two weeks after Mom died, Daddy had a stroke and then developed pneumonia. He spent several weeks in the hospital and needed a couple of surgical procedures to get him through that. Because of his stroke he could no longer work, so the VA started purchasing his medicine, hearing aids, glasses. Later in his life he had two knee replacements--requiring weeks of in-patient physical therapy, both eyes fixed because of cataracts, his esophogas stretched, two rotor rooter procedures, and a colonoscopy. Then he broke his hip and spent weeks in the hospital and rehab.
If I added all of the medical expenses of my parents together in a thirteen year period, the taxes my brother, my sisters, and I paid in would not have paid their medical bills. I became a patriot all over again then; I became so thankful to be American. All I had to do was watch news reports of people in other countries who needed medical care and had no access to it. I lived under constant stress for the seven years I took care of my dad. Allison still had two years of high school, and Carson was in middle school and early high school. Daddy died when Carson was a sophomore. I cannot imagine the added stress if we had had to worry about how to pay for the medical care my parents needed. Momma and Daddy had been good citizens, patriots. Daddy joined the Army during WWII, and Mom worked at Douglass AFB as a "Rosie" while also raising my oldest sister and my brother alone. My mom worked most of her life, except for a few short years when she stayed home when I was little. She mostly worked so that we could have insurance and for retirement because Daddy was self-employed. I would so have resented a government that turned its back on them, but I didn't have to.
Now back to the SS lessons. When I hear some state that you can't be a Democrat and a Christian, I get angry at the person. They are voicing an opinion, and just because that opinion differs from mine, I shouldn't resent that person-a person who is my Christian brother or sister.
Jesus gave a love worth giving. One of the things suggested in the lesson today was to take the scripture I Corinthians 13: 4-8. It's familiar to anyone who had attended a wedding in recent years; it's call the love chapter. Now see if you can put your name in the places where Love is. You certainly can put Jesus' name there, but I can't put mine.
Debbie is patient and kind. Debbie is not jealous, Debbie does not brag, and Debbie is not proud. Debbie is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Debbie does not count up wrongs that have been done. Debbie is not happy with evil but is happy with the truth. Debbie patiently accepts all things. Debbie always trusts, always, hopes, and always remains strong.
As a born-again believer, I can't be satisfied until that paragraph can be said about me. God has so much work to do to make me like Jesus. I have so far to go.

Are you ready for some football?

Tecumseh beat Noble last night 21-20, Go Savages!!!
The college season starts today, so here's today's schedule. Tony is on the golf course right now; I'm home stalling on my housework by playing on facebook, and reading and writing. I will finish the housework, go to the grocery and farmer's market, and then come home for a great day of tv football and food. I only watch two games. Tony, on the other hand, will watch as many as he can flip through the channels to keep up with. OSU has a 2:00 kickoff against Georgia Bulldogs; OU plays BYU at 6:00. Would I rather be at the games? Yes, but my husband is not a crowd person, so this is our compromise. We had season tickets for OSU for a few seasons when Carson was at South Rock Creek, but after he started playing high school football, it was hard to make sure we could go to the games. We were either too tired, or Carson was too sore, so we just started making Saturdays in the fall "stay at home and watch and eat something good" days.
I do plan for us to go to the OSU/Rice game on the 19th. That will be the weekend anniversary of Jason's death, so I want us to all be together to get through the weekend. I can't think of a better way to honor and remember Jason than to attend a Cowboys game.
We will probably cook at Carson's since he lives close to campus and just enjoy the gameday atmosphere in Stillwater. There's nothing like it.
I'm really missing Jason right now. He probably wouldn't have been here, but he would have called all day and texted all during the game. I wish they had cell phones in heaven. I would really like to talk to him right now. I've wondered if I would ever forget what he sounded like, but I don't have to worry about that. Carson sounds just like him on the phone. I never told them this, but for the last few years I've had to get into the conversation with them a little ways before I was sure who I was talking to. They both started every conversation with "Mom,..... What're you doing?"
I'll just sign off with "Go Pokes" from the entire Tony Humphrey family-all five of us.

Quilts

For the past two weeks a group of ladies have been meeting in the high school home ec room to make tshirt quilts for Mr. Blue and Mr. Capps and their wives. We have made five quilts in four nights. I think now that we have a system down, we could go faster if we all would do a few tasks at home. We have had a ball. We've laughed, and worked, and laughed, and visited, and laughed... Most, not all, of these women are my age or older with no kids at home. I think there is a void in our lives. Women need girls' nights sometimes, and the turnout we have had is evidence that there is a need in our community for something for us to do with our talents. Many of the women would come in saying, "Now I don't sew, but I want to help." So they would iron, cut out t-shirt fronts and backs, lay out the quilt design, pin the top to the lining. We all have had a fire kindled to make our own kids' shirts into quilts, and since it is so much fun to work together, we may meet to put together the quilts and help one another.
I have attended some women's Bible studies in the past, and I enjoy them very much, but there was something about working together for a cause that was very rewarding. I can study the Bible on my own, but I can't make five quilts in four nights alone.
I think I can understand the draw that women used to have to have quilting bees. Those women didn't have the means of communication that we have today, but they needed face-to-face interaction just as we need today.
All I know is that I'm gathering the t shirts for my kids' quilts because when we have another night, I want to be able to say, "My shirts are ready to piece together."

God still answers prayer

I realized after I reread yesterday's post that it didn't sound like I prayed for my kids any longer. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I even still pray for Jason. Dumb, huh? I don't pray for him personally; he is in heaven with no problems, no worries, no pain, no suffering. What I pray for is that his influence will continue to impact his friends and family here in this broken place. His death must be good for something. I want his friends and family members to think seriously about their fate.
As I posted yesterday, Mr. Blue is in Korea getting treatment for lung cancer. According to today's post, he may be coming home to continue treatment in the U.S. What an answer to all of our prayers. If he comes home when the doctor mentioned he might, he will have spent six weeks in Korea. Six weeks of expense, treatment, side effects, etc. all to possibly add years to his life, to be in remission, to spend more years with his kids and grandsons. Worth every bit.
I'm very frustrated that an American citizen has to travel 17 hours to get treatment. I don't know why Dr. Moon's treatments are not available here, but I suspect that it is too controversial to pass all of our screenings. It is stem cell treatment, but it is not any different than the type that is also done here. His own stem cells are harvested which is the same type of treatment that Tiffany Whittington is getting at MD Anderson. All I know is that the Blues have witnessed several people leaving Korea with hope, hope for healing from Parkinson's, alzheimers, cancer, and some have left with bad news and have returned home to spend time with their families. Since Mr. Blue was given no hope by any doctors in the US, he really only had two choices--go to Korea, or stay home and die.
Apparently, when the Blues have to see Dr. Moon three months after they leave Korea, they can meet him in the Bahamas or Grand Cayman. At least it's not a 17 hour flight. I've been impressed with the number of people who read Mrs. Blue's blog, all praying for them and sending encouraging messages of hope to them. Mr. Blue is such a private man; I'm sure this public information about his illness is very uncomfortable for him, but he is holding up because God is with him. I will keep praying for him

Appropriate, who cares?

I'm going to Hobby Lobby this afternoon to buy orange, black and white flowers to place on Jason's headstone. I already have some OSU stuff to put on it. It's time for OSU football, so the strange thing I'm going to do is decorate Jason's headstone with Go Pokes stuff. If I can figure out how to post a picture, I will (that's a hint for you Mel).
Thinking about cowboy football without Jason to talk to is rough. Of course, we've already been down that road because there was plenty of Cowboy football last year after Sept. 20th, but I really don't remember anything about those first few months. I had so much business to take care of, and my grief was so raw that I literally just went through the paces of each day.
I keep having people tell me that they pray for me every day. I am so humbled by that knowledge. I'm also ashamed of myself when I think about the people who have "dropped off" of my prayer list. I've learned so much about prayer this year. I will be the first to admit that I have become cynical about prayer. I prayed so hard for my sister Phyllis to be healed. When she died, I decided that God didn't change the course of someone's fate very often. I decided that our prayers didn't matter much. I used to write in a prayer journal each morning before Jason died. I haven't read the entries or written in it since his death. Every single morning I asked God to keep my children safe from physical, emotional, and spiritual harm, but he died in a horrible accident.
I have been praying for my bosses, James Blue and Roy Capps, who are both battling cancer. Mr. Blue's wife has been writing a blog daily that gives us specific things to pray for, Type A blood donors, Ensure, heating pads, relief from chronic cough, etc. and our prayers have been answered through the people who read her blog. Five blood donors on American military bases in Korea, Ensure of every flavor delivered to Seoul by a Korean missionary couple, 30-50 minute radiation treatments with no coughing and much needed rest for both Mr. Blue and his wife. I'm so honored to be a part of seeing God work through people.
Hearing that people continue to pray for us is humbling, but it does explain how we have not allowed our family to be destroyed by this tragedy. I'm going to be more diligent is keeping people on my prayer list longer. No matter what we face in life, it seldom ends as quickly as we would like. Illness, heartache, and tragedy have residual problems that linger long after the event is over. Thank you to all who have continued to pray for us. Don't stop now; September is going to be a challenge for our family. We need your prayers and God's blessings to flow.

Beautiful time of year--Can this really be August?

When I see anything advertised that is happening in August in Oklahoma outdoors, my first thought is always, "It will be so hot." Tonight I went to an outdoor concert at the park in Harrah. The band from Harrah Church where I attend was playing at the amphitheater. Talk about a perfect night. It was cool, but not too cool; there was no wind--in Oklahoma; the park looked green; the pond was full and still behind the stage; the mosquitos didn't even show up tonight. Because we were outside, the sound was perfect, not too loud. Perfection. I've been thinking so much about Jason lately. In just a few weeks he will experience his first birthday in heaven. I know time doesn't mean anything in heaven, but I have no other frame of reference to go by. Was tonight a glimpse of what he is experiencing all the time? Music that praises God in a perfect environment. I can only imagine.
Today I heard from a friend of Jason's who found me on facebook. He said that four years ago Jason gave his wife and son his horse, Charley. Charley is now 26 years old and living in Sweetwater, Oklahoma. That sounds like a good place to retire if you're a horse, doesn't it. I didn't really know where Charley was; the last I heard he was at Jason's ex-wife's family's place, and her niece was riding him. I really don't care where he is, I just like knowing he is being enjoyed by a kid.
My thoughts of facing September are consuming me right now. I keep thinking that at this time last year, I could still talk to Jason. Did I talk to him as often as I could? When he called, did I give him my full attention? I hope I did. I know that now when Allison and Carson call, I am attentive, interested in what they have to say, but have I always been that way? Life has taught me so much, but the biggest lesson I have learned is--While we are here on earth, nothing is as important as the relationships we have with those closest to us. They are God-given and God-blessed. Of course, our relationship with Him should be first and foremost in our hearts, but He expects us to share His love with our families.

Empty Nest

Several of my friends and relatives are experiencing the empty nest for the first time this week. I remember when my kids were still at home thinking that it would be so sad when we didn't have any kids at home and feeling sorry for my friends when that last kid moved out. I don't think you can prepare yourself for the changes this makes in your family. When Carson moved out, we had been parenting for thirty years. We were so young when Jason was born that we really couldn't remember life before kids.
Tony and I have adjusted very well. We have a routine that pleases both of us. We go out to dinner almost every Friday night (except I have to work the concession stand at the scrimmage tomorrow). We go to the grocery store every Saturday morning (except this Saturday when Tony will play golf). Get the picture. We can be flexible now. For thirty years our lives were under the rule of coaches, ag teachers, club sponsors, cheerleading coaches, youth leaders, homework, and employers. Now we do what we want, and we have become very selfish. I exercise several times a week because I can. I don't have to pick anyone up, drop anyone off, make sure someone eats before the night's activity. I can do laundry during the week or not. No one is going to go to a game with a dirty uniform.
I never realized I could get so spoiled.
I get to school every morning at 7:00 because I don't have to drop kids off, so I am ready for my work day to start at 8:00. I'm rotten.
I still have a good relationship with my kids. I don't see them as often as I'd like, but I talk to them several times a week. I miss the kids, but I don't miss the hectic life that having them live here involved. There is a reason we have kids when we are young. Right now if I do something on a school night, I try to be home early so I can be rested. When I think that I used to be out sometimes four nights a week during basketball season, I don't know how I did it.
Allison said last night that she feels guilty because my house always looks clean, so she thinks they were the ones that used to mess it up. It stays cleaner now because I'm home to pick up a little every day. There were some weeks when they lived here when we ran in, changed clothes, and ran out in a fifteen minute time period. By the time we would get home there was no time or energy to straighten, so cleaning was left for Saturday mornings.
I always worried that our busy life would adversely affect the kids, but I wouldn't trade the ballgames and activities for anything. We didn't waste much time on video games or television because we weren't home. One thing for sure; we were together.
Don't worry about the empty nest; it has its benefits.