2008

Tonight is the last night of the most tragic year of my life. The strange thing is that I am sad to see it end because it is the last year of Jason's life. That really doesn't make sense, but it is the truth. From tomorrow forward, when I think back on 2008, I will not think of any other date but Sept. 20th. I know other things happened in that year that were good, but the year is forever tainted in my mind.
I'm not naive enough to state that it will always remain the most tragic year of my life. I would like to think that I will not grieve again like I have this year, but I know enough of life to know that nothing is guaranteed. I do know that the grief I have experienced since Jason's death is worse than any I experienced when I lost my parents and my sisters.
I have had people say to me that God will not give me more than I can bear. This statement is so offensive to me for two reasons. First, it sounds like if I were weaker, Jason would still be alive. That's ridiculous. Second, it is not scriptural; God will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can resist is the actual teaching. I don't really know how it has become so distorted.
I usually make resolutions, reflect, try to better myself, but it would be unrealistic this year for me to think that 2009 will bring a change.
All I know is that tomorrow morning when I wake up, it will be 2009, and the first thought that will come to my mind is the same as my first thought every morning since Sept. 20th. Jason is gone.

Miracles

John 2:1-12
Three days later there was a wedding in the village of Cana in Galilee. Jesus' mother was there. Jesus and his discipes were guests also. When they started running low on wine at the wedding banquet, Jesus' mother told him, "They're just about out of wine."
Jesus said, "Is that any of our business, Mother--yours or mine? This ins't my time. Don't push me."
She went ahead anyway, telling the servants, "Whatever he tells you, do it."
Six stoneware water pots were there, used by the Jews for ritual washings. Each held twenty to thirty gallons. Jesus ordered the servants, "Fill the pots with water." And they filled them to the brim.
"Now fill your pitchers and take them to the host," Jesus said, and they did.
When the host tasted the water that had become wine (he didn't know what had just happened but the servants, of course, knew), he called out to the bridegroom. "Everybody I know begins with their finest wines and after the guests have had their fill brings in the cheap stuff. But you've saved the best till now."
This act in Cana of Galilee was the first sign Jesus gave, the first glimpse of his glory. And his disciples believed in him.

I heard a sermon on this passage once that the used this as evidence that God cares about the day-to-day in our lives. Mary did not want the family to be embarrassed- making the blind see, the lame walk, feeding the 5,000, raising Lazarus from the dead, now those are miracles worthy of notice. The thing is, this miracle is evidence that Jesus cares about our lives. We don't need to just count on him for the big stuff; we need to count on him for the small things too.
I have had to turn over everything to God, big stuff and small things. If there is one thing I have learned in the past three months, it is that I can do nothing on my own, I have to depend on Jesus to perform a miracle each day.

Gift after gift after gift

John 1:16-18

We all live off his generous bounty,
gift after gift after gift.
We got the basics from Moses,
and then this exuberant giving and receiving,
This endless knowing and understanding--
all this came through Jesus, the Messiah.
No one has ever seen God,
not so much as a glimpse.
This one-of-a-kind God-Expression,
who exists at the very heart of the Father,
has made him plain as day.

I know I have received gifts from God all my life. My health, my family, my friends, and my salvation, so why am I feeling such discouragement. I think I have been so busy since Jason's death that this time off is giving me too much time to think. Last week was busy because I was getting ready for Christmas and celebrating in several locations. Yesterday I was busy; I took down Christmas decorations and cleaned out the closet that I keep the Christmas stuff in. That's what I want to get accomplished during the break. I want to clean out closets and do away with the excess stuff in my house. Today, I did nothing. It may be the first day since the day of Jason's death that I have just sat, watched television, read and slept. I felt horrible-lazy, depressed, yukky. (Is that a word?) I learned a valuable lesson. I must keep busy. I have to have a reason to get moving every morning. One of the things I have read about grief is that it helps to keep busy, but just like with everything else, I have to find out for myself. I can't learn from the experience of others; I have to learn everything the hard way.

Pointing the Way

John 1 6-8
There once was a man, his name John, sent by God to point out the way to the Life-Light. He came to show everyone where to look, who to believe in. John was not himself the Light; he was there to show the way to the Light.

John is writing about John the Baptist, who we are taught was the forerunner of Jesus. He was sent to prepare the way for Jesus to come later.
Aren't we all forerunners of Jesus today. We should be preparing people to hear the message of salvation. We should be tenderizing hearts by our behavior and kindness toward others. What an honor. I always thought John the Baptist had a very important job, but now I realize that I have that same job. When I encounter people who are not Christians, I should be preparing them to hear the message of salvation. If my behavior is less than Christlike, I am not bearing witness to the life-changing experience that I should be.
As I look back over my life, I remember so many events that I fell short in my responsibility to be a good witness. I'm so grateful that God is patient because He certainly could have given up on me so many times.
When people that I have encountered in the past hear the message of salvation, I hope they can think back to their relationship with me and see a glimpse of Jesus in my behavior.
One consistent prayer of mine is that my family members come into contact with Christians who represent Jesus well. I hate to hear them criticize a co-worker, friend, acquaintance who professes Christ but doesn't represent Him well.
I feel an awesome responsibility to represent Christ in my grief. Without my faith in God and my belief that Jason is in heaven, life would be hopeless right now.
Christmas Eve we went to church and heard a rather unusual message. I guess I expected a message about love, peace, joy, etc.--traditional Christmas topics. Instead the preacher told of unimaginable horrors in our world today. He believes they are signs of the end and included that in his sermon. I don't really like that kind of preaching, but if God gave him the message, who am I to criticize. The thing is, when he said the end is near, I responded differently than I have to that message in the past. I felt relief that it might not be so long before I see Jason. That is a selfish attitude because too many people have not accepted Jesus, so I should be asking God to give more time.

Another New Book

John 1:1-5
The Word was first,
the Word present to God,
God present to the Word.
The Word was God,
in readiness for God from day one.

Everything was created through him,
nothing-not one thing--
came into being without him.
What came into existence was Life,
and the Life was Light to live by.
The Life-light blaze out of the darkness;
the darkness couldn't put it out.

I am leaving the letters of Paul to study John. I have a Beth Moore study that my cousin Becky sent me called John, The Beloved Disciple, and we have been studying Max Lucado's 3:16 Promise in Sunday School, so I think now is the time to do an indepth study of John. I will be using The Message for this blog, but the Beth Moore study used the Holman Christian Standary Bible. Since I am pretty familiar with this book in the KJV and NIV, I will have multiple perspectives on the verses.

The first verses of this book just remind us that God has always been and that everything came from Him. Is this easy to understand? Not really, we just have to accept this theology by faith. I am accepting many things on faith alone right now. I have faith that Jason is in heaven right now, continuing to live. Do I have proof? No, but the fact that I am not "sitting on the couch with a bottle of gin and a pack of cigarettes" as one person recently said she would be in my place, tells me that the prayers of my friends and family and the faith that I have in God are carrying me through.
We made it through Christmas; most of the family better than me, but we made it. I had numerous breakdowns on the way home from events or in bed after the event, but I was able to enjoy my family and find ways to honor Jason.
I went to Hallmark today and bought five ornaments as I have always done. I still have three children; I hung his stockings as I have done for thirty-three years; the only thing I couldn't do was take pictures. The idea of a family picture without him is unimaginable to me right now. We have some pictures of Tony, me, Allison, and Carson that were taken last Christmas and last Mother's day. Jason was already in Nebraska then, but yesterday was different. I just couldn't take a picture of our family with him missing.

God's applause!

II Timothy 4:6-8
This is the only race worth running. I've run hard right to the finish, believed
all the way. All that's left now is the shouting--God's applause! Depend on it, he's an honest judge. He'll do right not only by me, but by everyone eager for his coming.

What an interesting idea--God's applause. I've got nothing to add to that.
I read an interesting book yesterday and this morning. It is called The Purpose of Christmas by Rick Warren. It is a very easy read, but it is filled with some truly interesting thoughts about why we celebrate Christmas.

He calls Jesus God's gift to us and makes the parallel that I have heard before. What if you gave someone you love a gift, and they never opened it, never accepted the gift that you had sacrificed to get for them? That's what we do when we do not accept the sacrifice of Jesus.

Another interesting thing in this book is the entire Serenity Prayer. I have never read the rest of the prayer that truthfully has more theology for Christians than the shortened version:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things
I cannot change; courage to change the things
I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; accepting hardships as the
pathway to peace; taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is, not as I should have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will; that I may be
reasonably happy in this life and supremely
happy with Him forever in the next.

If you read today's magazines, they all have suggestions on how to be happy, but it is interesting to me that we really can't expect much more than being "reasonably happy in this life." Why? This world is fallen; death comes to the people we love in this world. Just when we think that we've got it made, we hear another story that is evidence that we will never be supremely happy on this earth. What will it be like to live in a place with no death, no illnesses, no separation? I can't imagine. Our family is grieving this Christmas--again. I don't know if we will actually celebrate Christmas in heaven, but I do know that there won't be any bittersweet celebrations there. Jason was a pretty contented person here on this earth, even though he had suffered loss, disappointment, separation; he was reasonably happy. He had a talent for making the most of a situation. I like to think about him being supremely happy right now.

Junk Food

II Timothy 4: 3-5
You're going to find that there will be times when people will have no stomach for solid teaching, but will fill up on spiritual junk food--catchy opinions that tickle their fancy. They'll turn their backs on truth and chase mirages. But you--keep your eye on what you're doing, accept the hard times along with the good, keep the Message alive, do a thorough job as God's servant.

You know how you feel when you have had too much junk food; you're sluggish, still hungry for something nourishing, but too full to eat it. That's what happens when we read or listen to spiritual junk food. We are still hungry, not satisfied. Some of it sounds good at the beginning, just like the junk food tastes good, but when it is tested, it doesn't fill us up. It doesn't provide us with the strength we need when we are challenged.
I have known some Christians who will not read anything except the Bible, but I'm not one of them. I have learned so much from reading Christian authors like Billy Graham, Rick Warren, Beth Moore, and Max Lucado, among others. They have insight that I don't have and experiences that I haven't had, so I can stand on their shoulders and learn from their experience. The danger comes when we are not discriminating in choosing the authors we read. We can get some wacky theories if we are not careful. My barometer for choosing is their use of scripture. If what they write doesn't line up with the Bible, it is junk food for the soul. It will leave you wanting meat and potatoes.

Read the directions

II Timothy 3:14-17
Stick with what you learned and believed, sure of the integrity of your teachers--why, you took in the sacred Scriptures with your mother's milk. There's noting like the written Word of God for showing you the way to salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. Every part of Scripture is God breathed and useful one way or another--showing us truth, exposing our rebellion, correcting our mistakes, training us to live God's way. Through the Word we are put together and shaped up for the tasks God has for us.
How many times in my life have I attempted to do something without reading the directions? Too many to name. It is so frustrating to me when I finally give in and read the directions on something that I am trying to fix or put together and find out that I was making it harder than it was originally intended to be. The most troublesome things that come to mind are the times I have ignored the directions written by God in his Word. The problems that I have brought upon myself are too numerous to mention. I have made life too complicated because I have ignored the directions.
I am so blessed to have a SS class, a minister, and my natural curiosity that keeps me studying, reading, and learning. I wish I could say that I have always studied and followed God's Word, but I can't say that. What I can say is that I believe it to be true and that I know now that whatever I face, I can find comfort and encouragement in God's Directions.

II Timothy 3:1-4
Don't be naive. There are difficult times ahead. As the end approaches, people are going to be
self-absorbed,
money-hungry,
self-promoting,
stuck-up,
profane,
contemptuous of parents,
crude,
coarse,
dog-eat-dog,
unbending,
slanderers,
impulsively wild,
savage,
cynical,
treacherous,
ruthless,
bloated windbags,
addicted to lust,
and allergic to God.
They'll make a show of religion, but behind the scenes they're animals. Stay clear of these people.

If I read the paper too closely or watch the evening news, I get so depressed by the horrible stories of crime and corruption. I prefer living in my own world--completely oblivious of the facts. Now I have scriptural support for not watching the news. It says right here "Stay clear of these people." I'm perfectly justified in associating myself with people who do not fit the above description and burying my head in the sand. I live with enough grief; I can't take on other people's grief too.
I have noticed that since Jason's death, I can't watch the television shows or read the books I used to like. It isn't that I was watching or reading really bad stuff, but if you look at today's most popular shows, they can all be described with the list above. I just know that I have become desensitized to language or behavior that a few years ago would not have been on prime time.
I have to work so hard today to maintain emotional balance that I can't allow myself to be drawn in to the drama of characters who seem "allergic to God."
I remember being in the hospital with my mom during the last week of her life. She couldn't communicate with us very well toward the end. I asked her if she wanted to watch Days of our Lives, her "story." She shook her head no and mouthed, "I quit it." I understand that completely now.

No arguing allowed.

II Timothy 2:23-26
Refuse to get involved in inane discussions, they always end up in fights. God's servant must not be argumentative, but a gentle listener and a teacher who keeps cool, working firmly but patiently with those who refuse to obey. You never know how or when God might sober them up with a change of heart and a turning to the truth, enabling them to escape the Devil's trap, where they are caught and held captive, forced to run his errands.

It is many times difficult to keep my mouth shut when I hear people at school, at work, or at home say something that goes against God's teachings, but this verse supports the idea that arguing is not the answer when dealing with people who are not living according to God's laws. The last thing I want to do is back someone into a corner and cause them to stubbornly hold on to an unhealthy lifestyle because I have been too forceful or argumentative with God's teachings. These verses tell me to listen and keep cool and patient. Even among Christians we sometimes disagree about the way to worship, what to wear to church, what kind of music is appropriate, but it does not honor God for us to argue and bicker about such minor issues.
I do not want to be a barrier to my friends and family members who are not Christians. I don't want their pride to get in the way if the Holy Spirit is speaking to them. The worst thing I can think of is for them to refuse salvation to prove a point to me.

Keep on going

II Timothy 1:9-11
We can only keep on going, after all, by the power of God, who first saved us and then called us to this holy work. We had nothing to do with it. It was all his idea, a gift prepared for us in Jesus long before we knew anything about it. But we know it now. Since the appearance of our Savior, nothing could be plainer; death defeated, life vindicated in a steady blaze of light, all through the work of Jesus.

I haven't been able to write for a couple of days. I started a couple of times, but I couldn't find the words. I am struggling right now. I have read back over the blogs, and I seem to have all the answers, don't I. "Put your faith in God." "Live for Jesus." "Follow the teachings of Jesus." "Pray." "Count your blessings." Don't get me wrong, I believe all of these things, and I want to do them, but right now, my heart is heavy. As Huckleberry Finn says, "You can't pray a lie." God knows that I'm having difficulty, so there's no use for me to pretend that everything's fine. One thing I will continue to do is read, pray, and wait. I know that I will get on the other side of this grief in time. I will never stop missing Jason. I'm listening to my friends who have lost children; they tell me that there will be happy times again. They tell me that I will always feel as if a part of me is missing, but I will be happy again. Right now I'm still in the "fake it til you make it" phase.
This Saturday will be the three month anniversary of Jason's death. I remember when my kids were babies; we marked their age in weeks and months. I'm back to that again. Part of me can't believe it has only been three months; I feel like I've been living with this reality much longer. The other part can't believe it has already been three months. I kind of feel that time has stood still for us.

Handed-down faith

II Timothy 1:5-7
That precious memory triggers another: your honest faith--and what a rich faith it is, handed down from your grandmother Lois to your mother Eunice, and now to you!

Can we make a new version of this verse and make it "handed down from your Granny Mabel to your mother Debbie, and now to you?

Handed-down faith is dangerous in most instances. I have heard so many people tell about the faith of previous generations in their family like it is some kind of guarantee that they are "saved." That is not what scripture says. Faith is personal, it cannot be a vicarious experience. We can't look at our moms, dad, grandparents, husbands, or wives and claim to be a Christ follower. No one will get to heaven on another's faith.
On the other hand, I have also heard many people tell about the judgemental, hyper-critical, impossible to please parents and grandparents who professed Christianity and turned their children and grandchildren away. I can't think of anything more heartbreaking.
Though faith can't be handed down, the impact of living a life of faith should speak volumes to our descendants. They should be able to look at our lives and see strong evidence that we followed the teachings of Jesus. The important thing is that the ones watching us want the same thing for themselves. As much as we would like, we can't be saved for anyone else.

Joy-packed reunion.

II Timothy 1:3-4
Every time I say your name in prayer--which is practically all the time--I thank God for you, the God I worship with my whole life in the tradition of my ancestors. I miss you a lot, especially when I remember that last tearful goodbye, and I look forward to a joy-packed reunion.

These verses could have been written by me about Jason. I still say his name in prayer, but I don't have to pray for his physical, emotional, or spiritual well-being. Those things are secure in heaven. Now his name is mentioned in thanks. I thank God for the thirty-three years of Jason's life, for the good friends he had, for his faith, for the ways he blessed us. The last tearful goodbye wasn't when he left in July to go back to Nebraska. It was evident to me during his visit that he was happy there. Our tearful goodbye came when he went to heaven. I didn't think I would ever stop crying; just about the time I thought I had no more tears, they would start again. I still cry often, but not daily anymore. I cry at unexpected moments now, no warning-just tears. The things that I thought would make me cry do not, but the dumbest things will trigger tears. I can't explain it, and I really don't want to.
The thing I really have to hold on to is that joy-packed reunion. I remember my cousin Carolyn saying, "Heaven will be so much sweeter for you now." That is true. I already had several relatives in heaven, but none that I want to see as much as I want to see Jason.

Grace

I Timothy 6:21
Overwhelming grace keep you.

I'm having trouble finding a passage to comment on. I just kept reading through the verses of I Timothy until I got to the end. What a gem in the final verse of chapter 6. Overwhelming grace keep you. That is what will keep us, nothing else. We can't count on our health, our money, our family and friends, but we can count on grace.
The traditional definition of grace we are taught in church is unmerited favor of God. We can't do enough to earn grace. We can't make a list of good deeds to check off or a list of rituals to perform, but we can ask God for his forgiveness, mercy and grace. That's it-ask and accept. Man has through the years complicated the grace of God by telling Christians that they must walk a certain way, look a certain way, but God's way is simple.
I am counting on overwhelming grace right now. I've had to be out and about this week more than usual because I am getting ready for Christmas. Every where I go, I run into people who are kindly asking how we are doing. Most of the time I am able to say, "We're making it." I can't say anything else right now. Each day brings new challenges. I am baking and making candy for Christmas, and Jason's favorites are hard to make. I have to laugh though when I remember how many times Jason volunteered me to bake cookies or cook something. When he was in elementary school, his teachers joked with me because no matter what kind of event they were planning, Jason would say, "My mom will make cookies." He was right; I would.
The first time he went to church camp, I sent chocolate chip cookies with him. The next year on the night before he was leaving for camp again, he came in and asked if I had his cookies ready yet. I was leaving the next day to take cheerleaders to camp, so I had completely forgotten. When I said I hadn't made any, he said, "Mom, you ALWAYS make cookies for us! Guess what, I baked cookies until midnight so that we would continue our "tradition." I miss him so much.

Sin

I Timothy 5:24-25
The sins of some people are blatant and march them right into court. The sins of others don't show up until much later. The same with good deeds. Some you see right off, but none are hidden forever.

This is the most difficult teaching to get across to new Christians, non-believers, and immature believers. We have categorized sin like there are degrees. Level one-minor sins, like sins of omission, ungodly thoughts, attitudes; Level two-lying, cheating; Level three-sexual sins, Level four-murder. (I made all those up.) The main point is that the only sin that matters is blaspheming the Holy Spirit. OK, what is that? That is ignoring God, refusing his salvation. When God is trying to get our attention, we find all kinds of ways to ignore Him. We compare ourselves to the people around us--I'm better than that guy--is a dangerous thought.
My dad did not become a Christian until he was seventy years old. Daddy was just like many people I know today. He was a good man, a good husband, a good father, a good citizen, but he was just as lost as the people he compared himself to until he accepted Jesus as his savior. It really doesn't seem fair to us because we are geared to make the punishment fit the crime. We have misdemeanors and felonies with fines and sentences set up according to how severe the offense. If we are in big trouble, we hire an attorney to go before the judge and plead our case. That makes sense to us, but God's plan of salvation goes against human nature. We go before our judge without an attorney because Jesus is our mediator. It doesn't matter how minor or severe our sins are; it doesn't matter how many sins we have committed. The only thing that matters is that Jesus has already paid the penalty for us if we believe.
Thank you, Jesus, for taking my place.

No Spritual flabbiness!

I Timothy 4:6-8
You've been raised on the Message of the faith and have followed sound teaching. Now pass on this counsel to the Christians there, and you'll be a good servant of Jesus. Stay clear of silly stories that get dressed up as religion. Exercise daily in God--no spiritual flabbiness, please! Workouts in the gynmasium are useful, but a disciplined life in God is far more so, making you fit both today and forever.

This is why I enjoy reading The Message. It makes me laugh while I am being taught God's truths. I, too, was raised on the Message of the faith, but I must admit that I haven't always followed sound teaching. I have listened to people who have told me silly stories, and believing those stories caused me to be spiritually flabby. You must admit that is a clever way to word this teaching.
I'm so thankful for the Message of faith that has kept me believing even though I have experienced multiple losses. I used to tell people that my faith hadn't really been challenged because everyone who has died in my family was a believer and they were all older than I was. I thought the death of one of my children might be too much--that I would become jaded and bitter. I pray every day that that doesn't happen to me. Now that I have experienced the loss of one of my children, my faith is stronger than ever. One reason is that I saw God move in Jason's life so clearly in the past couple of years. While he was staying with us last year, I witnessed his adult faith. He reassured me in many ways that his faith was real. He wasn't perfect; none of us are, but he wasn't jaded and bitter which to me are signs of a weak faith. I consider the months he spent with us to be a gift from God. God knew exactly how many days Jason had on this earth, so he knew how difficult it would have been for us if the last time Jason lived in our home was the summer of 1996. That's how long it has been since he lived with us, and that was the summer my mother died. I was so distracted that I can't even remember that summer. My grief today would have been greater if that had been my last time with him in our home.
It is funny to me that all during the time he stayed with us, he and I walked at the track and went to church together. Both of the thing these verses mention, but the important one is the spiritual fitness because it is eternal.

Shopping with a smile

I Timothy 3:15-16
This Christian life is a great mystery, far exceeding our understanding, but some things are clear enough.
He appeared in a human body,
was proved right by the invisible Spirit,
was seen by angels.
He was proclaimed among all kinds of peoples,
believed in all over the world,
taken up into heavenly glory.

At this time of year, while we are celebrating Christmas, it seems to me that denominational barriers break down. We all have different ways of celebrating the holidays. Some denominations have more rituals than others, but those who truly believe in Jesus agree on one thing. If Jesus had not been born, He could not have died for our sins. That's really all that matters. Christians get frustrated by the commercialization of the holiday, but the truth is that people are more open to God at this time of year than any other. The music of Christmas triggers memories for many, memories of childhood Christmas programs. Hearts are tenderized by the good will that surrounds us at this time. People who don't give to charity all year long will reach out to those who need help.
Christmas has often been stressful for me because I have focused too much on the shopping, cooking, and events of the season. I have worried about how to pay for all the gifts and missed the point of the holiday. I know my perspective has been forever changed after Jason's death. I would love to be purchasing gifts for him, even if it caused me to stretch my dollar a little farther. From this point on, I promise to celebrate the fact that I have family and friends that I can buy for. I don't have to overspend, but I am going to carefully and joyfully buy gifts and find ways to honor Jason's memory.

Simple faith and plain truth

I Timothy 2:4-7
He wants not only us but everyone saved, you know, everyone to get to know the truth we've learned. that there's one God and only one, and one Priest-Mediator between God and us--Jesus, who offered himself in exchange for everyone held captive by sin, to set them all free. Eventually the news is going to get out. This and this only has been my appointed work, getting this news to those who have never heard of God, and explaining how it works by simple faith and plain truth.

It really is simple; why do we make salvation so difficult. There is one God and one way to get to him--Jesus. That's simple enough. I'm like Paul; I want everyone to be saved, yet I don't know how to tell them that. I keep thinking that the opportunity will present itself for me to talk to my family and friends who haven't accepted the sacrifice that will set them free. Is it possible to be captive and not know it? I think it is. We can be held captive by our jobs, our relationships, our habits, our addictions, our money, our will, our pride, even our intellect. Our intellect tells us that this doesn't make sense. Why would God become a man and die for sinners? That's a ridiculous notion, but it is the plain truth. I am a thinker; I don't like to take someone else's word for things; I want to find out for myself. If there is one thing I have learned since Jason's death, it is that God is real. I believe with all my heart that Jesus is who He claimed to be and that accepting his sacrifice is essential for getting to heaven. I also believe that following His teachings while here on this earth is the best way to live. Do I always follow his teaching? I wish I could say yes, but I fall so short. It is not about what I "do" that might be wrong, it is more about what happens in my mind--the doubt, the anger, the emotions that do not honor God. Since Jason's death, I have experienced all of these. I need to get back to that "simple faith and plain truth."

Do you need me?

I go to a large church. I haven't always. When my kids were little, I went to smaller churches that had familiar faces in the nursery and children's church each week. If one of my kids needed me, someone would come and tap me on the shoulder and tell me I needed to go see about my kid. The church I go to now has a clever system for notifying parents that they are needed. Each child is given a number when they go in, and the number is flashed on the big screen if a parent is needed. That happened this morning, and I noticed all the young mothers looking for their numbers to see if their kid was the one who needed a mom. I wish that could happen in real life. Your adult kid needs you, and his or her number flashes across the sky so that you could go help them. That may be the kind of system God has in heaven. We get ourselves in trouble and need God, our number flashes across the heavens, and God comes to our aid. My number has been flashing all weekend. I need His strength and comfort. I need to be reassured, like a child needs reassurance, that He hasn't abandoned me.

Thankful for friends

I am a truly blessed person in many ways. I have such wonderful friends who are helping make this first Christmas without Jason bearable. First, my sister-in-law Cindy made a grave blanket to honor Jason. She is also going to go with us Monday afternoon when we make the final decisions about choosing a headstone. Next, my friend Cindy met me for dinner Wednesday with birthday gifts and a beautiful poinsettia that made me realize that I needed to do something about getting my house ready for Christmas. My decorations are a hodgepodge collection from our house, my mom's, Phyllis's, and Linda's. I have collected ornaments purchased for my kids and made by them. Every time I thought about getting out the decoration, I would end up in tears. I couldn't face decorating alone, so I asked my friends Toni and Mel to come out Saturday to decorate the tree while I hung the things on the walls and placed the "activity" sets. (That was Evan's name for Phyllis's collection of nativity sets). Sorry Ev, that's going to stay with you forever. What would have taken me several hours to do, the three of us did in about two hours. Having them here distracted me from what I was actually doing. I hung the beautiful stockings knitted by Opal Haney the year each of my children were born and the cute cross stitch stockings Teresa made the year Carson was born. I was afraid looking at them would make me too sad every time I went into the living room, but it is really soothing to know that Jason will always be a part of our family. I don't want people avoiding talking about him because they are afraid it will upset me. I think it would upset me more if his name wasn't ever mentioned around me.
Allison and Carson would have understood if I had just decided to forgo the decorations this year, but I didn't think that would honor Jason. If he could talk to me, he would scold me for waiting so long. I usually decorate the Saturday after Thanksgiving, but this year I chickened out. He would have been the first one to ask, "What are you waiting for?"
Tomorrow afternoon is the memorial service at the funeral home. We will see other families who are dealing with this "first." Pray that we will find comfort in remembering our son.

Pray

I Timothy 2:1-3
The first thing I want you to do is pray. Pray every way you know how, for everyone you know. Pray for rulers and their governments to rule well so we can be quietly about our business of living simply, in humble contemplation. This is the way our Savior God wants us to live.

Pray every way you know how. What does that mean? We can pray silently, aloud, in public, in private, in song, in unintelligible groanings; according to this verse we should not only be praying in multiple ways but also for everyone we know. How exactly do we do that? Do we have to say their names? I don't think so, but this does make me rethink the way I have prayed in the past. My prayer list is finite, but God's mercy is infinite. I have a limited view of what God can do, but He is limitless. I don't think I can wrap my mind around this concept. I want so much for God to answer my prayers my way, immediately and quickly. That's not what He does.
If I pray to live my life simply, in humble contemplation, all the other personal requests will fall into place. The older I get, the longer I live, the more I study His word, the more I realize that I have been off base in my spiritual life far too long. My priorities have been so off base. I have focused too much on this earthly life. This world is not my home. I should really only be focused on eternity, on taking my friends and family with me to heaven.

Timothy

I Timothy 1:5-7
The whole point of what we're urging is simply love--love uncontaminated by self-interest and counterfeit faith, a life open to God. Those who fail to keep to this point soon wander off into cul-de-sacs of gossip. They set themselves up as experts on religious issues, but haven't the remotest idea of what they're holding forth with such imposing eloquence.

Timothy has always been one of my favorite characters in the Bible because he was raised by a Jewish mother and a Greek father. I worried that my boys would not think being a Christian was manly, that church was for women because I took them to church by myself. I am so thankful for the mentors in their lives--the Pauls to their Timothy. They had pastors, friends, fathers of friends, youth ministers, uncles that showed them that being a Christian was indeed a manly way of life. Paul was Timothy's teacher; he taught him to be a follower of Jesus and to be a leader in the church in Ephesus.
The above scripture shows that Paul's teaching was practical. We are to love. That seems to be a theme throughout this blog. Every time I am reminded of an important teaching, it contains the word--love. It is so easy to love the lovable-not a challenge at all, but it is work to love "uncontaminated by self-interest and counterfeit faith." Truthfully I don't think it is possible without Jesus to help us. We can only have a life "open to God" if we are followers of Jesus. It is not politically correct to make such a statement today, but I believe it with all my heart.

Get along with each other

II Thessalonians 3:16
May the Master of Peace himself give you the gift of getting along with each other at all times, in all ways. May the Master be truly among you.

I like the idea of calling Jesus the "Master of Peace." If only becoming a Christian would guarantee that people would get along with each other at all times, in all ways. We all know that that is not the way it works. I hate confrontation; I will avoid it at all cost, but that doesn't mean I always let the Master of Peace be in control. What I do is silently dwell on whatever is bothering me instead of confronting the person who is causing stress or anger in my life. That's probably not what Paul has in mind in this verse. I really want the Master of Peace to be among my family and friends so that we can live in harmony.
I am so thankful that I can look back on my relationship with Jason and say that we got along. We didn't always agree about everything; he was a Republican; I am more apt to vote Democratic, but I respected his views and he respected mine. I can honestly say that I have no regrets when it comes to our relationship. I loved him the way a mother loves her child, but the most important thing to me is that I liked him too. I liked spending time with him, talking to him, and I think he would have said the same thing about me. I hope so. All of the television shows have people in his age group making snide comments about mothers. I don't think he had negative thoughts about me because he used to tell me I would be like my mom when I got old. That was the ultimate complement.

Christ's endurance

II Thessalonians 3:1-5
One more thing, friends. Pray for us. Pray that the Master's Word will simply take off and race throught the country to a groundswell of response, just as it did among you. And pray that we'll be rescued from these scoundrels who are trying to do us in. I'm finding that not all "believers" are believers. But the Master never lets us down. He'll stick by you and protect you from evil.
Because of the Master, we have great confidence in you. We know you're doing everything we told you and will continue doing it. May the Master take you by the hand and lead you along the path of God's love and Christ's endurance.

Would we recognize it if the Master took us by the hand and lead us along the path of God's love and Christ's endurance? Would we have to be pulled, or would we go along willingly? I'm afraid I would not accept His leading as quickly as I should. So many times in my life I have gone down my own path and ignored the leading of God. I even knew I was on the wrong path, but I was too headstrong to turn back and go the other way. It has taken years for me to finally realize that Jesus never lets me down. I can depend on the advice of scripture to put me on the right path. I have others whom I can usually depend on, but almost everyone I know has let me down in some way or another. However well-intentioned they may have been, circumstances have kept them from being where they said they would be when they said they would be there. God does not have to break promises because of circumstances.
Have things always worked out the way I wanted them to? No, they haven't, but I must trust that God knows what He is doing. People keep telling me that God sees the big picture, so I will trust Him.

Take a firm stand

II Thessalonians 2: 15-17
So, friends, take a firm stand, feet on the ground and head high. Keep a tight grip on what you were taught, whether in personal conversation or by our letter. May Jesus himself and God our Father, who reached out in love and surprised you with gifts of unending help and confidence, put a fresh heart in you, invigorate your work, enliven your speech.

I had to read a couple of chapters of II Thessalonians before I found a passage that inspired me to write. Much of the first two chapters contains a greeting and a reminder that Jesus is coming back. Over two thousand years ago the early Christians were looking for Jesus's return. Are we still today? Some days I think we are. I hear people say that we are in the end times, but truthfully, that has been said my entire life. I don't fear the day Jesus comes back like I used to; I'm ready in so many ways to see Jason, Mamma, Daddy, Phyllis, Linda--I have almost as much family in heaven as I do here; however, I know and love people who have not asked Jesus to put a "fresh heart in [them]" like the verse says. We talked about that in my Sunday School class. Jesus exchanges hearts with us. We have this diseased, sinful heart that is hard and holding on to bitterness, jealousy, pride...the list goes on, but Jesus exchanges his pure heart for our disgusting one. We talked about how wonderful it would be if at the moment of salvation, we immediately became Christlike, but we don't. If that were true, everyone in the world would want to be a Christian. God reveals to us slowly over time what things in our lives do not honor Him. It would be too overwhelming if we saw our sin nature clearly all at once, so God is long-suffering, patient and lets us take things one step at a time. My pastor compares it to using a Windows program on a computer. We have to click Next to go to the next step. We sometimes are unwilling to click Next because we aren't sure what God will expect of us, so we just stay on the same page or hit previous and go backward. I appreciate so much a pastor that challenges me to go to the next step because I am still learning, still growing. These are the things that "invigorate [my] work, enliven [my] speech.

Keeping fit

I Thessalonians 5:23-28
May God himself, the God who makes everything holy and whole, make you holy and whole, put you together--spirit, soul, and body--and keep you fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ. The One who called you is completely dependable. If he said it, he'll do it!
Friends, keep up your prayers for us. Greet all the Christians there with a holy embrace. And make sure this letter gets read to all the brothers and sisters. Don't leave anyone out.
The amazing grace of Jesus Christ be with you!

Today's society is obsessed with physical fitness. Look at the covers of the magazines in the grocery store. They all have headings that tell us how to lose weight, increase strength, lower cholesterol, etc. What if they all gave advice about spiritual fitness? What would it do for our society if instead of body building advice, we would see faith building advice? What if people paid big bucks for personal spiritual trainers instead of fitness trainers? Because of my cynicism of late, I am looking skeptically at all the health advice out there. My friend Sharyl lives one of the healthiest lifestyles of anyone I know--she has cancer. My sister Phyllis never smoked, never drank, yet exposure to a chemical in her job caused her to have lung and liver damage. Of course, the important thing for both of them is not their physical health; their spiritual health is more important than anything else. I watched as Phyllis fought for her life physically, but her faith was what grew by leaps and bounds in her final years. We will not know what struggles Sharyl has in front of her until she sees her oncologist Wednesday, but in talking to her last night it was obvious that she is relying on God right now for her strength.
I have had to turn everything over to God during these past weeks because I have absolutely no strength on my own. Why did it take such a huge personal tragedy for me to get to that point? I do appreciate the prayers of my friends and family. Everywhere I went this weekend, I saw people who gave "holy embraces" and told me that they had been thinking of us and praying for us. For the first time in my life, I have felt the prayers of others and have gained spiritual strength from them. Wouldn't it be cool if someone could help me get physically fit by just praying for me? As many people as have been praying for me lately, I would be ready for the olympics.

Christmas Cheer

I Thessalonians 5:16-22
Be cheerful no matter what, pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.
Don't supress the Spirit, and don't stifle those who have a word from the Master. On the other hand, don't be gullible. Check out everything, and keep only what's good. Throw out anything tainted with evil.

This is a tall order--Be cheerful no matter what. The "pray all the time" I can do because I can't seem to rely on my own strength any more. It is difficult to thank God no matter what happens, but I am finding myself thanking God hourly for Jason's years with us and for Allison and Carson. I thank Him for salvation and for the knowledge that I will see Jason again.
Today I went to visit a long-time family friend who has been diagnosed with cancer. I'm asking everyone who reads this blog to pray for Sharyl Patten. She is in pain and needs relief. This is where the "cheerful no matter what" is difficult. I'm tired of hearing bad news. Sharyl and my sister Phyllis and Tony's brother Randy graduated together in 1965. She and Mary Trahan have gone on ski trips with Cindy, me, and our kids a couple of times. Our boys were especially impressed that someone as "old" as Sharyl could keep up with them on the mountain. Our first trip with Sharyl was in 1999 when we stayed in the infamous Del Norte Motel near Wolf Creek. Let's just say the place was so bad that they gave us a third room at no charge. We laughed so much on that trip that my sides hurt. Jason and Candy, Allison, Jennifer Cofer, Cody, in one room Cindy, Kirby, Carson, and I in another. Mary and Sharyl were supposed to be with us, but there weren't as many beds as we had requested, so they gave us another room. Mary was too tall to stand up in the shower, the outside doors were hollow core, so Kirby and Carson (11 and 12 years old at the time) put furniture in front of ours so they could sleep. What sweet memories.

Thankful for family

I Thessalonians 5:13-15
Get along among yourselves, each of you doing your part. Our counsel is that you warn the freeloaders to get a move on. Gently encourage the stragglers, and reach out for the exhausted, pulling them to their feet. Be patient with each person, attentive to individual needs. And be careful that when you get on each other's nerves you don't snap at each other. Look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out.

I probably should have read this and posted my comments this morning. The thing is I am thankful that our family holidays are usually pleasant. We had about 21 here for Thanksgiving dinner; then Cindy and I and the kids will go to the movie together tonight--something we started doing many years ago. In the back of my mind all day I have realized that one very important person was missing. Jason hasn't always been here on Thanksgiving because he has been in Ft. Worth at an annual horse show several times in recent years, but his absence was palpable to me today.
I was afraid to say much because I didn't want to cry and make everyone uncomfortable. They would have understood completely because they were all feeling the same thing. I think we were all just "making it through the day." I am receiving good counsel about surviving the holidays from a couple of ladies who have traveled this horrible path years ago. They assure me that I will always remember and miss Jason, but it won't always be this painful. Later I will have sweet memories of him and be able to laugh and talk about him without crying. I wish I could skip these years, but that's not the way it works.

We're alive with Him

I Thessalonians 5:9-11
God didn't set us up for an angry rejection but for salvation by our Master, Jesus Christ. He died for us, a death that triggered life. Whether we're awake with the living or asleep with the dead, we're alive with him. So speak encouraging words to one another. Build up hope so you'll all be together in this, no one left out, no one left behind. I know you're already doing this; just keep on doing it.

I don't know why but I had such a fearful view of God when I was a child. I now see Him through the eyes of a parent. It was not until Jason was born that I began to imagine how much God loves us. My love for him was all-consuming, unconditional, and unending. I remember worrying when I was expecting Allison that I wouldn't have enough love for two children. Then she was born, and I fell immediately in love with her with plenty of love for Jason. Then Carson came along, and my love was not divided by three but tripled. Now Jason is in heaven, and my love for him hasn't diminished one bit. Because I want only wonderful things for my children, I realize how much God wants us to be saved. It is not an accident that He is called Father.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day. I don't feel especially thankful right now, but I am going to try to count my blessings.
Today I received several calls, text messages, and emails from people who said that they were just thinking about us and wanted us to know that they will be praying for us tomorrow. I am truly blessed with wonderful friends and family. I know tomorrow will be rough, but as one email I received today stated, grief shared is grief divided. We have 20 coming for dinner, and most of them will be missing Jason too, so we will try our best to honor him with loving memories.

Futility

I Thessalonians 5:1-4
I don't think, friends, that I need to deal with the question of when all this is going to happen. You know as well as I that the day of the Master's coming can't be posted on our calendars. He won't call ahead and make an appointment any more than a burglar would. About the time everybody's walking around complacently, congratulating each other--"We've sure got it made! Now we can take it easy."--suddenly everything will fall apart. It's going to come as suddenly and inescapably as birth pangs to a pregnant woman.
But friends, you're not in the dark, so how could you be taken off guard by any of this? You're sons of Light, daughters of day. We live under wide open skies and know where we stand.

This verse reminds me that we really shouldn't be making plans too far into the future. I don't think we should go through life haphazardly, without direction, but we don't need to focus too much on our "plans" to the point that they become too important to us. Life happens, unexpected things happen; we can't worry enough, we can't plan enough, and truthfully, we can't pray enough to stop life from happening. I don't like the idea that I am cynical right now, but I am. I prayed daily for Jason, prayed for him to have a happy life, prayed for his future, prayed that he would meet a wonderful Christian girl and get married and have a family, but one moment in time took all possibily of that away. I'm not blaming God for what happened; I'm just facing the reality that no matter what I do, what plans I make, what I "want" to happen, I can't change the course of events that will happen on this earth. Fortunately, I am a "daughter of day" which means that when Jesus comes, I will go with Him. That's really the only plan that I need to count on; my job now is to try to see that those I love are ready. I have to pray for God's guidance in this matter. I have been a complete failure up to this point in my life when it comes to leading the lost to Jesus. My mom and I used to talk about how embarrassing it is when the people in our own family who know us the best don't see the truth in us. Because my mom was such an exemplary Christian and she couldn't convince some of her family members to follow Jesus, I can take comfort in knowing that the Holy Spirit is the only one who can do this.
I can be an example and answer questions, but I can't convict a person of their need for salvation. That is God's work.
I thank God daily that Jason was a son of Light and that he is now in heaven waiting for the rest of us.

The Ultimate Family Reunion

I Thessalonians 4:15-18
And then this. We can tell you with complete confidence--we have the Master's word on it--that when the Master comes again to get us, those of us who are still alive will not get a jump on the dead and leave them behind. In actual fact, they'll be ahead of us. The Master himself will give the command. Archangel thunder! God's trumpet blast! He'll come down from heaven and the dead in Christ will rise--they'll go first. Then the rest of us who are still alive at the time will be caught up with them into the clouds to meet the Master. Oh, we'll be walking on air! And then there will be one huge family reunion with the Master. So reassure one another with these words.

This is a very familiar passage for Christians. The Message puts a contemporary spin on it, but the idea is the same. I never really thought about the day Christ comes back with the anticipation that I feel now. If I am still here on this earth, I will see Jason again. I have other family members to see too, but the first one I want to see is Jason. I won't have to ask him what he has been doing; he will tell me. That is one thing I miss most. Jason called to visit. He knew how to have a conversation. Our talks weren't just question and answer sessions. We would talk about the most recent OSU game, family gossip, church, school, people. He and I always caught up on news about his friends and our family. He would tell me about the ranch, the people in Nebraska, the weather. Even though he didn't really like the cold weather last winter, I think he liked battling the elements. He got that from Tony. Any time we have snow, I can be assured that Tony will want to go to town. He always blames me-tells everyone that I wanted to go-but he is the one who likes to bundle up and go into town for some groceries, a Sonic run.
I always thought Jason was born too late. He would have loved being a cowboy--Young Guns was his favorite movie. I wonder if in heaven he is getting to live the life of a cowboy without any of the hardships.
I don't really understand the whole "glorified body" stuff, but the experts that I read and listen to tell me that Jason's spirit is in heaven today, but his body will reunite with his spirit when Christ returns.
When I get there, whether it is before or after Christ's return, Jason will take me on my first tour of heaven, and he will catch me up on all the family gossip on that side of eternity.

Fake it til you Make It

I Thessalonians 4:13-14
And regarding the questions, friends, that has come up about what happens to those already dead and buried, we don't want you in the dark any longer. First off, you must not carry on over them like people who have nothing to look forward to, as if the grave were the last word. Since Jesus died and broke loose from the grave, God will most certainly bring back to life those who died in Jesus.

I have tried for two months not to "carry on over Jason." Lately I have had several people tell me that they admire the way I have handled his death. Let me clarify something; I am faking it. None of these people see me when I am home alone or with just Tony. Something happens to me every Friday afternoon. I guess it is that the week is over, and I am able to let go somewhat. Tony and I always go out to dinner on Friday evening, then we go walk at whatever mall is nearest us. I don't know why, but I end up crying before the night is over. I need a shrink. What in the world makes that happen?
Today I know what triggered it. In the mail was the invitation from Cooper Funeral Home to the annual Christmas tree ceremony. This is a nice thing that the Coopers do each year for the families who have lost someone during the last year. They give each family a bronze snowflake ornament engraved with their family member's name. How do I know-because I have three of them on my tree. I have mom's, dad's, and Phyllis's already. Now I will have one for my son. Unthinkable. I DON'T WANT ANOTHER ORNAMENT. (That was a scream in case you don't read email.) Please, don't hold me up as some kind of example. I am only handling this on the surface; deep down I am a mess. I can't focus on anything for any length of time. I don't finish anything I start. I forget what I am doing. I am truly living one day at a time.
Tomorrow I have to start the preparations for Thanksgiving. In the invitation from Coopers was a sheet with suggestions for grieving families experiencing the holidays for the first time. Again I have too much experience in this area. I think I will take the lead from Allison and Carson. If they want things to be exactly the same as they have always been, they will be. If they want to change things up, we'll do that. I know how painful it is to lose a sibling--especially one who is close as my kids were.
Even though my faith tells me that the "grave is not the last word," as the verse says, I can't wrap my mind around the events of the last weeks. I am having difficulty thinking of forever.

Stay calm

I Thessalonians 4:11-12

Stay calm; mind your own business; do your own job. You've heard all this from us before, but a reminder never hurts. We want you living in a way that will command the respect of outsiders, not lying around sponging off your friends.

Today is November 20th the two month anniversary of Jason's death. I can't really believe it has already been two months. I told the girls in my class tonight that I am just now remembering the first days after his death. People came to visit that I forgot about; I'll see someone and think "I saw them somewhere recently" and realize that they were at my house either Sunday or Monday of that first week. I remember now talking to them, but those days have been buried in my mind. I thank God for the insulation that He provides.
In response to the verses above, how much trouble would we avoid if we just learned to follow those first pieces of advice. Several years ago we had an inservice that was presented by a retired elementary teacher. I remember walking in and thinking--what does she have to teach a staff of high school teachers? The only thing I remember is her advice to STAY IN YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION. I may think that people are not doing what they should be doing or that they are not doing the job like I think they should, but unless I am their supervisor, it is not my business. Reminding myself of that advice has allowed me to stay calm, mind my own business, and do my own job. I can't say I always follow her advice, but usually I stop myself when I start to be critical of another person. This is good advice at work, in clubs, at church, everywhere. If we would all just do our own jobs--to the best of our ability--our schools, businesses, churches, organizations, etc. would run so much smoother. When we do our best, we command respect.

Infused with strength

I Thessalonians 3:11-13

May God our Father himself and our Master Jesus clear the road to you. And may the Master pour on the love so it fills your lives and splashes over on everyone around you, just as it does from us to you. May you be infused with strength and purity, filled with confidence in the presence of God our Father when our Master Jesus arrives with all his followers.

What does it mean to be infused with strength and purity? I have not always thought of myself as a strong person and certainly not a pure one. I began thinking of myself as strong when my mom was sick. I had to step up and be the grown up for the first time in my life. See, I was the baby, baby of my family. There was an eight year gap between me and my closest sibling. I was the fun one, the entertainer, the center of attention. I didn't have to handle the big stuff; I got the easy jobs. While Phyllis was cleaning the bathroom, I was dusting the living room. While she was cooking a meal, I would set the table and then sit and talk to her. I know she wanted to kill me, but she didn't. I paid her back when momma got sick; everyone tried to pitch in and help, but I felt like because I was healthier than my siblings and because it was summer and I was off work, I needed to do the lion's share of taking care of her. Thus began my infusion with strength. For many years now I have had no choice but to be strong. My mom died seven years before daddy, so I spent seven years taking care of him while I was also trying to be a decent wife, mother, teacher, Christian. Phyllis and Linda were unable to help much because they were sick, so I was the Lone Ranger. Donna, my niece, helped quite a bit, but she was taking care of her mother, so she was busy. When I think back on those years, I'm not too proud of my attitude--it wasn't too pure. I don't think Daddy ever felt my frustration, but I know my stress spilled over on Tony and the kids.
Daddy was so fortunate that he was able to stay in his own home; he never had to go to a nursing home except for a couple of times after his first knee replacement and again when he broke his hip. Both stays were temporary, so he was ok with the situation.
Jason used to tell me he would put me in "Shady Acres"--don't know where that is, but I know it was a nursing home. At least he was honest about it; I didn't have to wonder what he was thinking.

Homesickness

I Thessalonians 2:17-19
Do you have any idea how very homesick we became for you, dear friends? Even though it hadn't been that long and it was only our bodies that were separated from you, not our hearts, we tried our very best to get back to see you. You can't imagine how much we missed you.

I've been homesick before. It is an awful feeling--wanting to be home but not being able to get there. Jason went to Washington D.C for FFA's Washington Conference when he was a sophomore. I was so anxious when I went to Guthrie to pick him up; it felt like he had be gone for weeks. The first thing he said to me was, "I didn't want to come home." You see, he had fallen a little bit in love with a girl on the trip. My feelings were so hurt. How could another girl be more important to him that I was?
When I talked to Jason on the phone all during this past year, some days he seemed homesick, others he seemed happy to be where he was. Tony had a health scare in May and spent the night in the hospital. Jason called more often than Allison and Carson together. I think it was because they knew that they could be home in an hour if they needed to be, but he was hours away and felt helpless.
I could tell when he was homesick by his tone of voice. He would ask questions about family, friends, church, school, whatever--just to hear about home. I'm so homesick for him right now, but I know that he is not homesick for this place. That seems strange to me. How could he not want to be here with us? Because Jesus is where he is, and he has a new perspective. He has fallen deeply in love.
One of the books I have been reading compares our birth on earth to our entry into heaven. Everyone is anxious and anticipating the new baby--preparations are made because we know the baby's arrival is imminent. I love the idea that my father-in-law Freddy, my mom and dad, Phyllis, and Linda knew Jason was coming and that they were preparing for him. What I can't fathom is how my family could be happy that he is in heaven when they know that we are experiencing such pain--it's all about that new perspective--time means nothing to them. My mom has been there over twelve years--I assure you she has it all figured out. I'm glad there are no cell phones in heaven. My feelings would be so hurt if I could talk to him and find out that he isn't missing us at all.

Music for the soul

I think someone from church must be reading this blog because Sunday morning we sang several "old hymns" including songs that remind me of my childhood in church. They were old words put to new rhythms, but the verses were so familiar. The thing that we noticed was that many of the people around us did not know the words to the old standards like "Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus" and "I'll Fly Away." That didn't make me sad; it made me rejoice. These people did not grow up in church, but they are standing beside me each week in worship. Those of us who knew the old songs had a ball singing what I call the "Happy Heaven" songs that were so familiar, but they were not that special to me when I was a kid. As a matter of fact, I probably didn't like them so much when I was younger, but now it IS sweet to trust in Jesus, to take Him at his word, and some glad morning I AM going to fly away.

I Thessalonians 2:10-11
We were never patronizing, never condescending, but we cared for you the way a mother cares for her children. We loved you dearly. Not content to just pass on the Message, we wanted to give you our hearts. And we did.

This passage is reminding the Thessalonians how Paul and his co-laborers felt about the them. I can easily relate to this passage when I think of the children who I have taught through the years. I'm not much of a kid person. I am not comfortable teaching younger ages, but through the years I have taught teens and kids in Sunday school, Wednesday night classes, and VBS. I was always out of my comfort zone if the kids were below high school level, but when you attend a small church, you do what is needed. The thing is, I have a very soft spot toward all of the kids I taught in these classes. There is a connection with them that I don't always have with my students in school. I hope they all know that I love them dearly. Sometimes when I taught kids when they were young and then again when they were in high school in my English class, they seemed to be uncomfortable around me. Believe me there was no need. I was content to "pass on the Message."

One more human opinion

I Thessalonians 2:13
And now we look back on all this and thank God, an artesian well of thanks! When you got the Message of God we preached, you didn't pass it off as juist one more human opinion, but you took it to heart as God's true word to you, which it is, God himself at work in you believers.

That is such a battle today. We have become too sophisticated as a society to accept the Message of God. I hear people all the time saying, "We're all trying to get to the same place." meaning all faiths, all religions, all ways of thinking. The problem is that Salvation through Christ is not just one more human opinion; it is the only way to get there. How do we communicate that to others without offending and turning them away? We have to show them--words are cheap. I have often told of the conversation I had with my mother about two months before she died. We were on our way home from her weekly doctor's appointment in OKC and were facing some grim realities. She told me, "I have prepared for this my entire life, and even if I have been wrong, even if there is no heaven, I believe that following the teachings of Jesus has been a better way to live my life." That was the day I realized two things--first, my MOM experienced doubt--I never dreamed, and second, she was so far beyond me in her faith. I was a Christian because I wanted to go to heaven. It has been twelve years since that conversation, and I now know what she was saying. I have had so many people tell me what an influence my mother was on their lives. Why? Because she lived it, faith was not just something she passed of as a human opinion--she took it to heart.
I didn't always make my mother proud--she probably wanted to pinch my head off many times, but as time goes on, I continue to follow the lessons she instilled in me. I wish I could thank her "an artesian well of thanks."

Battery of tests

I Thessalonians 2: 3-5
God tested us thoroughly to make sure we were qualified to be trusted with this Message. Be assured that when we speak to you we're not after crowd approval--only God approval. Since we've been put through that battery of tests, you're guaranteed that both we and the Message are free of error, mixed motives, or hidden agendas.

Can I be trusted with God's message? I want to be. I don't want misrepresent my savior. I must admit I am struggling right now in my grief. I'm not doubting God's existence or Jesus's savation, but I don't feel like a Christian is supposed to feel. I've been here before, and I found my way to the other side, but this is different. When Momma, Phyllis, Daddy, and Linda died, I grieved, but this is different. Because Phyllis's work environment at Tinker contributed to her death, I became angry when she died, and it took me a long time to get over that anger, but this is different. In all of those situations, I had children at home. I didn't have any choice but to pick myself up and go on. I had a responsibility to my family to show them the way, to respond like a believer should when another believer leaves this life and goes to heaven. This time I have no desire to be the example; I just want to wallow in my grief.
We went to the mall tonight, and Christmas is everywhere. I can't think about what I need to buy without thinking about what I don't have to buy. For the first time in 33 years, I won't be shopping for Jason. Last year I sent a box to Nebraska. I had bought him a new cell phone that would reach home and sent it to him early, so he wasn't expecting anything from us. I shopped for a few small gifts for him and sent them to him so that he would have them for Christmas. I only remember a few of the things I bought--a piece of luggage, OSU shirts, DVD's of his favorite movies; the only one I remember is Young Guns. I wanted his first Christmas away from home to still feel like Christmas--never imagining that it would be his last. He seemed pleased to have gifts to open on Christmas.
I've read the poem "My First Christmas in Heaven" way too many times in my life. That is a standard among Christians to send to a person who is grieving at Christmas.
The sentiment is beautiful, but I am not comforted by it this year. I want Jason to spend his 33rd Christmas on earth. God created in us a love for this world and the people in it. I think he must have deliberately instilled that in us so that we wouldn't be miserable here when we compare this place to heaven. I may have to come to terms with the fact that I will always have this empty place inside of me that only Jason could fill, and that it will remain until I see him in heaven. Max Lucado calls it Homesickness because he says we aren't supposed to be comfortable here.
I don't know if what I am feeling honors God, but I know it would not honor Him to pretend I'm ok and everything's fine when it is not.

Praying for you

I Thessalonians 1: 2-5
Every time we think of you, we thank God for you. Day and night you're in our prayers as we call to mind your work of faith, your labor of love, and your patience of hope in following our Master, Jesus Christ, before God our Father.

How many times have I told someone that I would pray for them and then let my mind get distracted from following through. Lately though I have realized that I don't have to wait for a "prayer time" to pray. Any time a person is brought to my mind, I can pray for that person. Believe me it changes the way you look at people. I want to be connected to God through my day.
I received an email from a lady this afternoon whose 14-year-old daughter was killed in a car accident five weeks ago. Remember I said a few weeks ago that I was having trouble looking for the sadder story. Well, this one is. Not only was the girl only 14, but her 17-year-old brother was driving the vehicle. I have been praying for that family all evening. The mom and I have agreed to communicate by email to see if we can help one another through this year.
I have heard of people who have markers that remind them to pray. Jimmy Carter prayed every time he walked through the rose garden near the White House. Others say they pray every time their house comes into view. In today's world we could have constant prayers going up if Christians would pray every time they saw a McDonald's, Starbuck's, Walgreens, CVC. As I wrote before, my prayer life has changed. It is more random and more constant than ever before. It is the only thing that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other.

What would Paul say about me?

The last part of Chapter 4 of the letter to the Colossians is a list of people and a comment about each one. Tychicus is a trusted minister and companion in the service of the Master, Onesimus is one of you and has become a trusted dear brother, Mark and Justus are the only ones left from the old crowd who have stuck with me in working for God's kingdom, Epaphras has been a trooper--tireless in his prayers for you.
Years ago Point of Grace had a song called "What's He Gonna Say About Me" that asks what Jesus will say about us when we get to heaven--of course, that's the important question, but I can't help but wonder what Paul would say about me and my walk with Christ. I'm afraid I wouldn't measure up in so many areas. Do I pray enough, study enough, worship enough, give enough? No, not when you think about what Jesus has done for me. Fortunately for all of us, Jesus did the work; we just accept his work on our behalf. We don't have to make a check list and log so many hours of prayer, worship, study, keep track of our financial gifts, keep a record of volunteer hours. Can you imagine hauling all of that with us to heaven's gate? Aren't you glad that his "yoke is easy; his burden is light." We could never "do" enough to offset the things we have left undone. Again I wonder if when we get to heaven there will be a bar graph showing us how we spent our time, talents, money. I certainly hope not; I think it might make me cry and there will be no tears in heaven, so I'm safe. Whew!

Colossians 4:5-6
Use your heads as you live and work among outsiders. Don't miss a trick. Make the most of every opportunity. Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversaion, not put them down, not cut them out.

By outsiders he means people who are outside of Christ's salvation. Our goal should be to include them in the family of God, but sometime we, by our words or actions, put them down or cut them out. I think of this when I am dealing with my students. I make no secret of the fact that I am a Christian, so I have a great responsibility to represent Christ in my conversations with students. When some students know that their teachers are Christians, they set us up to see how we will react. They push us to the limit to see if we will lose our cool and react in a human way. Unfortunately, no matter how long we have been Christians, how firm we are in our faith, we are also quite human, and we don't always respond appropriately to their challenges. There is a way to treat them with kind firmness and to let them know that we truly care about their future success.

Today is Carson's 21st Birthday. He has really always been mature for his age, so I know I can count on him to celebrate responsibly. Since he was in high school, I have always told him "Don't be Stupid" when he was leaving the house. We have laughed that other moms say "I Love You" to their kids. I think my comment says the same thing. So many kids make stupid choices when they are in high school or college--choices that affect the rest of their lives. I love him too much to want him to go through the consequences of a stupid action. It seems strange to think that my youngest child is a bona fide adult. I wish Jason was here to wish him a happy birthday. When Kirby turned 21, Jason seemed bothered by it. It was really the first time he had ever voiced to me that he was feeling old. Kirby and Carson were the "little boys" in our family-only 15 months apart. I guess I have to face the reality that we don't have "little boys" any longer. One more time, Carson, Don't Be Stupid.

Pray for open doors

Colossians 4:2-4

Pray diligently. Stay alert, with your eyes wide open in gratitude. Don't forget to pray for us, that God will open doors for telling the mystery of Christ, even while I'm locked up in this jail. Pray that every time I open my mouth I'll be able to make Christ plain as day to them.

I've never been in jail, but I have been locked up--not physically but emotionally. The past weeks I have felt like I can't talk to anyone about serious matters because my emotions are so raw that I am afraid I will cry, so I just don't talk about the most important of all topics--I'm locked up in this jail.
I think what has to happen is that I have to let go of the fear of crying. The subject is too important to the people I love. I can't be afraid to talk to them. I used to pray daily for God to send people around my family members who could reach them, talk to them, share Jesus with them. I always felt that I had to be open to speak to the people I came in contact with because there might be someone praying that I would share my faith their family member.
I should be like Paul who was in a physical jail. He prayed for God to open doors; he even shared his faith with the jailer.
That may be the reason I have continued to write. This is safe for me; I can quit if it gets too hard; I don't have to worry about crying in front of others. I pray that God will use my words to reach someone who needs Jesus.

I'm Alive

When we've been there ten thousand years
bright shining as the sun
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we first begun.

If there is one criticism I have had of my church, it is that they haven't included old traditional hymns in their worship as much as I would like. That has changed in the past several weeks. We have begun singing one old hymn each week. Usually is the old words to new music, but it is still familiar.
My reason for wanting to sing the old songs is personal. I was raised in church, but I haven't always attended church. From the time I was 18 until I was about 27, I only attended occasionally, but my spirit was moved by the music as much as by the sermons when I did attend. The new songs may reach those who have not been in church, but those who are returning after an absence can be reached by the familiar hymns.
This morning we sang a medley that included "Amazing Grace" with Cass and Elizabeth singing "I'm Alive" in the background. I thought of Jack Richey who was my pastor when I was a kid. He always sang the third verse slower and louder than the others, and he changed the "thousand years" to "Billion years." Jason has been in heaven six weeks; compare that to a billion years.
I miss him so much, and I don't have any idea how long it will be before I join him there, but however long I have to live here is no time at all compared to the eternity that I will spend with him.
When we were singing "I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive" this morning, I felt like Jason was sending me a personal message. "It's ok Mom, I'm alive--more alive than you are."

What a waste of time

Today some of my students informed me that there is a place that people can comment on Shawnee News Star's website concerning our football program, so like an idiot I read some of the comments tonight. Come on folks, let's get real. We have some great kids at Tecumseh, but we don't have much athletic talent at the present. Some of the most talented athletes have been injured--not because they weren't in shape--because they play football, a full-contact sport.
Some comments keep referring to Tecumseh's winning tradition--Tecumseh, Oklahoma? Seriously, we have had some decent teams through the years, but we have never been a football powerhouse.

Some of these people are blaming coaches for everything from our win-loss record to global warming. They keep bringing up the fact that players have quit; therefore, the coaches are to blame. From a mom's point-of-view let me comment here. If a player quits or chooses not to play, he doesn't want to play. That is not a sin, crime, character flaw, or anything to blame anyone for. It is a fact. A boy who wants to play football will play. Some of the ones who don't want to play will make up excuses for quitting--injury, job, academics, coach--but the reality is he doesn't want to play. I grew up with so many boys who were made to play or who only played because their dads wanted them to. Those same boys grew up to be men who refused to be that kind of father. We raised two sons. Jason played football three years (7th-9th grade) and then decided to focus on his cutting horse competitions and ag activities; I must admit we were a little disappointed because we love sports, and we enjoyed watching him, but Tony (who played football too) said then that a kid who doesn't want to play should not play. Football is not a half-hearted sport. It takes full effort-heart and soul. Carson went to South Rock Creek, so he didn't get to play until his 9th grade year. We didn't allow our boys to play little league football for personal reasons. Carson exhibited a love for the game that was a joy to watch. He was always such a quiet, low-key kid until he was on the football field--then he became crazy. He would have played for any coach, any team, any time. He loved the game and still calls to tell me about his flag football games at OSU. If they didn't start at 10 pm, I would be in the stands watching him because he was fun to watch.
I'm not sure why I'm even commenting on this blog about this topic, but I refuse to be a part to the anonymous argument in the News Star. I'm ready to go to bed, and my blood pressure was probably up when I was reading the comments, so I thought I'd better write down my thoughts so that I could sleep. Perspective, folks, perspective.

Cultivate thankfulness

Colossians 3: 15-17
Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ--the Message--have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God. Let every detail in your lives--words, actions, whatever--be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking the Father every step of the way.

I keep seeing signs that we are in the season of Thanksgiving, but I am having a difficult time feeling thankful. I know that I could make a list of things to be thankful for in my life, and it would be long. At the top of that list would be my family. I was blessed to be born into a wonderful family and to marry into a wonderful family, and I have been blessed with healthy, happy children. I am thankful for my relationship with Christ, a good marriage, a good job, wonderful friends, my health, a great church--so many blessings. However, right now all I can think about is facing this holiday season without Jason. That outweighs everything else. Someday I will be able to thank God for the years of Jason's life, not yet, someday.
In the meantime I will try to take the words of these verses to heart. I keep thinking about Jimmy's message at the funeral. He told us to let music comfort us. I have learned that there are certain songs that can bring me to tears of sadness, but there are also songs that bring me joy, laughter, and wonderful memories. Jason loved to sing and always sang along with the radio in the car--I'm talking always. When he was a little boy and last year when he went anywhere with me, he was always singing.
When he was in fourth grade, he came home one day and told me he was going to be in his class play. He was going to play a farmer and needed overalls, a flannel shirt, a straw hat, etc. According to him it was no big deal. The morning of the play they performed for the other grade school classes, and the teachers kept coming to me and telling me about what a great job Jason did in the play. I then went to his classroom to find out about his role and discovered that he had the lead and was singing several solos. I had to get on the phone to his grandparents and aunts to tell them to come up that night for the evening performance. He was wonderful-not the least bit nervous. He also sang at church when he was little. My favorite song was called "God Loves to talk to Little Boys While They're Fishin."
I hear stories of karaoke nights in Stillwater, and Jason would partner up with someone and sing. So I'm going to begin cultivating thankfulness by thanking the Father for music. Jason is now singing praises to God in perfect harmony.

Colossians 3:12-14

So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you; compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garmet. Never be without it.



It seems to me that there is really nothing to add to these verses. If we all consistently exhibited the characteristics above, the world would be so impressed that they would be desperate to find out who we serve and join us. The Christians that I admire most exhibit these traits. I guess I never thought about the fact that they choose to dress themselves in these characteristics. I believe that we have personality traits that we are born with, but I don't think we are incapable of actively changing some of the traits that are not very Christlike. I wonder if the people whose natural personality is compassionate and kind realize what a head start they have in life. I've done the personality tests--one says I'm an otter, the other one says I'm orange--what they both say is that I am more interested in having a good time than getting the job done. I always wanted to test strong in the golden retriever or blue catagory. Those people are naturally kind and sensitive to others--it must be so much easier to exhibit Christian traits when your natural personality coincides with these verses. The only thing is that God created all of us, and that means we all start with whatever traits we were born with and then we have to temper them so that we do not embarrass God. Some of us just have to make more changes than others.

Colossians 3:9-11

Don't lie to one another. You're done with that old life. It's like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you've stripped off and put in the fire. Now you're dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete. Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.

I love it when scripture is practical. This passage speaks to divisions among us. We have to be different from the world. This world is full of division--race, sex, age, culture, economic status, but there is no excuse for division among Christ followers. That's another thing that will probably only come when we get to heaven. That makes me sad that we can't get it right, but I'm glad to think about Jason being in a place that is united. I've been wondering how old everyone is in heaven. My mom was 75 when she died, dad 83, Phyllis 55, Linda 62, Jason 33, so how old are they now? Is everyone the same age? I know that everyone is healthy, no matter how old. Another thing that we won't have the answer to until we get there.

Pray for our country and its leaders.

We have a new President, and as Christians we all have a responsibility to pray for him and his family. I realize that I spend too much time with 17 year olds, but I was so disturbed by the remarks made by some of my students today. I have to wonder where their ideology comes from. So many of them believe that you must vote a certain way, belong to a particular political party, agree with them, or you are not a Christian. They did not come to this conclusion by themselves; they have been taught this. I have always believed that there are smart people on both sides of most issues. I have attended church almost my entire life with both Republicans and Democrats. My mom and dad canceled one another's vote out every year. My dad told me that the election after mom died was the first time his vote had ever counted.
In my life I have voted in every election since I was 18 years old. Sometimes my candidate has won; sometimes he has lost. I don't ever remember being so upset that I have predicted assassination for the winner. That is not a Christian response to the election. There is no justification for this type of comment, but I heard it more than once today from students who claim Christianity as their faith.
For many years now some outspoken Christians have demonized anyone who does not agree with their politics, and some politicians have declared faith to gain votes from the evangelicals. The only problem is that recently some of those very politicians have humiliated themselves and their families with "unseemly" behavior. Their hypocrisy has been exposed to the world, and they have become fodder for Jay Leno and David Letterman. God will not be mocked.
Regardless of who we supported in the election, one thing is certain, God is in control. He was in control yesterday, and He will be in control tomorrow.
It's time for us to admit that Christians do not have a good reputation in this country. We once had a good reputation with other Christians, but now we can't even claim that. If we are going to win the lost, we have to reassess our behavior and reach out to people instead of sitting in judgement of them. The overwhelming election numbers in favor of the Democratic party reveals that Christians are not of one party.
I'm going to pray daily for the safety of Barak, Michelle, and their girls. I hope other Christians will join me.

Perspective

Colossians 3:1-2
So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ--that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.

I want to see things from Christ's perspective, but right now I'm looking at things through my eyes. Today is my birthday, and Jason is not here to wish me a Happy Birthday as he has for as long as I can remember. I knew it was coming, but I wasn't ready for the emotions it brought to light. My friends brought or sent me gifts and cards, brought lunch to school, Tony and I went to Outback, Janna, Allison, and Carson called, we celebrated Sunday, what more do I want? I want to hear from my son. I wonder how long this feeling of limbo will last? I can go about my business for hours without feeling that heaviness that grips my heart, but something will happen or I will see something or someone that will remind me of Jason, and I have to face reality one more time. It is too soon to expect anything different.

Now live Him.

Colossians 2:6-7
My counsel for you is simple and straightforward; Just go ahead with what you've been given. You received Christ Jesus, the Master; now live him. You're deeply rooted in him. You're well constructed upon him. You know your way around the faith. Now do what you've been taught. School's out; quit studying the subject and start living it! And let your living spill over with thanksgiving.

What an interesting way to state the obvious. School's out; quit studying the subject and start living it. If we are going to be effective in winning the world to Christ, we have to put our faith into action. We can't remain behind closed doors in our churches while there is such great suffering outside the doors. So many Christians are afraid to enter the world and get their hands dirty. If our faith is so weak that we are afraid of being around those who do not share our faith, it is not much faith at all. Those of us who have been Christians for a long time know our way around the faith, but we haven't always lived it. We have to find a way to show the lost people in our world that following the teachings of Jesus is the best way to live our lives.
I am reading Traveling Light by Max Lucado. He has a clear, concise style that makes Christianity such an appealing way of life. Today I read the chapter about worry. To be honest I have been guilty of worrying in the past. One thing I have noticed since Jason's death is that I have quit worrying. I don't know if my mind doesn't have room for grief and worry or if I now know that my worrying did not add one moment to Jason's life, I just know that I haven't worried about anything. I guess we have to experience real tragedy to take our minds off the things in our lives that cause worry.

Milestones

Today was another milestone in our journey. We had a family dinner at Cindy and Randy's for Gigi's, Carson's, and my birthday. Cody is home from a tour in Iraq, and we wanted to do this before he has to leave next week for San Diego. It is good to be together, but the reminders of the change in our family are everywhere. I know that Jason would not have been here, but it seems wrong for us to just go on without him. I wonder if I will ever be able to experience a family event without that back-of-the-mind constant memory of our grief. We have spent quite a bit of time together in the last six weeks, but today was different. I can't explain why.

The secret

Colossians 2: 3-4 I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God's great mystery. All the richest treasures of wisdom and knowledge are embedded in that mystery and nowhere elso. And we've been shown the mystery. I'm telling you this because I don't want anyone leading you off on some wild goose chase, after other so-called mysteries, or "the secret."

If you have visited a book store lately, you've seen many books with "The Secret" in the title. I haven't read these because I am leery of "self-help" books that are not based on Christian principles. The popularity of these types of books is evidence that humans are searching for something of significance. The verses make me realize that people have been going on wild goose chases for over 2000 years, looking for answers to "meaning of life" question. If I am going to follow a teaching--religious, political, philosophical--I have to see evidence of love. Christianity is based on love--love your neighbor as yourself. I don't know about you, but it is easy to love myself--to put myself first. True evidence of a Christian is their love of people, all people, not just the loveable. I don't see evidence of love in everyone who claims Christ; I don't even see it in myself all the time. I think the first part of these verses is the answer for all of us. We need to be "woven into the tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God." That takes effort. We have to actively pursue God's mysteries through worship, study, reading, interraction with other Christians. It would be nice if God would just reveal truths to us like we download information into a computer. Just push a button, and everything you need to know becomes part of your internal hard drive. That may be what happens when we cross over into heaven. Everything that we puzzled over in life becomes clear. The things we thought were important here will be revealed to us as insignificant. I have noticed that since Jason's death, I have a new perspective. The things that used to worry me seem trivial. It has also been true for my family and friends. When I see someone that is going through a trial now, they all say the same thing. "My problems are trivial compared to what you have been through." Job loss, marital troubles, financial troubles, problems with kids, bad grades--all of these are troublesome to us, but when you put them next to losing Jason--they are all trivial. My sister Phyllis always had a saying "If your problem can be solved with money, it is not a problem." How much of my life have I spent worrying about things of this world that are trivial. My eyes are open now to what is important. My relationship with-- God, my husband, my children, my family and my friends--those are the important things in my life. Everything else doesn't deserve my attention. Unfortunately, I have had to learn this lesson the hard way--the way I have learned all the important lesson of my life. Don't you think God gets so frustrated with us--he has revealed the mystery of life to us in His word, and we look there last.