II Timothy 1:9-11
We can only keep on going, after all, by the power of God, who first saved us and then called us to this holy work. We had nothing to do with it. It was all his idea, a gift prepared for us in Jesus long before we knew anything about it. But we know it now. Since the appearance of our Savior, nothing could be plainer; death defeated, life vindicated in a steady blaze of light, all through the work of Jesus.
I haven't been able to write for a couple of days. I started a couple of times, but I couldn't find the words. I am struggling right now. I have read back over the blogs, and I seem to have all the answers, don't I. "Put your faith in God." "Live for Jesus." "Follow the teachings of Jesus." "Pray." "Count your blessings." Don't get me wrong, I believe all of these things, and I want to do them, but right now, my heart is heavy. As Huckleberry Finn says, "You can't pray a lie." God knows that I'm having difficulty, so there's no use for me to pretend that everything's fine. One thing I will continue to do is read, pray, and wait. I know that I will get on the other side of this grief in time. I will never stop missing Jason. I'm listening to my friends who have lost children; they tell me that there will be happy times again. They tell me that I will always feel as if a part of me is missing, but I will be happy again. Right now I'm still in the "fake it til you make it" phase.
This Saturday will be the three month anniversary of Jason's death. I remember when my kids were babies; we marked their age in weeks and months. I'm back to that again. Part of me can't believe it has only been three months; I feel like I've been living with this reality much longer. The other part can't believe it has already been three months. I kind of feel that time has stood still for us.