Thursday, December 18, 2008

Keep on going

II Timothy 1:9-11
We can only keep on going, after all, by the power of God, who first saved us and then called us to this holy work. We had nothing to do with it. It was all his idea, a gift prepared for us in Jesus long before we knew anything about it. But we know it now. Since the appearance of our Savior, nothing could be plainer; death defeated, life vindicated in a steady blaze of light, all through the work of Jesus.

I haven't been able to write for a couple of days. I started a couple of times, but I couldn't find the words. I am struggling right now. I have read back over the blogs, and I seem to have all the answers, don't I. "Put your faith in God." "Live for Jesus." "Follow the teachings of Jesus." "Pray." "Count your blessings." Don't get me wrong, I believe all of these things, and I want to do them, but right now, my heart is heavy. As Huckleberry Finn says, "You can't pray a lie." God knows that I'm having difficulty, so there's no use for me to pretend that everything's fine. One thing I will continue to do is read, pray, and wait. I know that I will get on the other side of this grief in time. I will never stop missing Jason. I'm listening to my friends who have lost children; they tell me that there will be happy times again. They tell me that I will always feel as if a part of me is missing, but I will be happy again. Right now I'm still in the "fake it til you make it" phase.
This Saturday will be the three month anniversary of Jason's death. I remember when my kids were babies; we marked their age in weeks and months. I'm back to that again. Part of me can't believe it has only been three months; I feel like I've been living with this reality much longer. The other part can't believe it has already been three months. I kind of feel that time has stood still for us.


stef said...

I have been logging on everyday waiting for your writing. I was hoping that you were busy with school and just didn't have time. I am so sorry! Christmas is suppose to be a happy time and while you see your friends enjoying it all around you it's hard for you to participate. Now that I have kids I get that Christmas is about them. Seeing their faces on christmas morning. Driving by a house decked out in lights, hearing "wows" from the back seat. You really got me when you said you used to keep track of your kids age by weeks and months and now you're back to doing that again. Adison is 18 months and 4 days. Please keep writing! You touch so many. More than you could ever know. Keep writing, even on your down days... even if it's just a word.

Humphrey said...

Thank you Stef,
You continue to enjoy the wonder of Christmas with your girls. Nothing is sweeter than the looks on the faces of children at Christmas. I have wonderful memories of Jason's, Allison's, and Carson's Christmases. I look forward to Sunday night.