Fake it til you Make It

I Thessalonians 4:13-14
And regarding the questions, friends, that has come up about what happens to those already dead and buried, we don't want you in the dark any longer. First off, you must not carry on over them like people who have nothing to look forward to, as if the grave were the last word. Since Jesus died and broke loose from the grave, God will most certainly bring back to life those who died in Jesus.

I have tried for two months not to "carry on over Jason." Lately I have had several people tell me that they admire the way I have handled his death. Let me clarify something; I am faking it. None of these people see me when I am home alone or with just Tony. Something happens to me every Friday afternoon. I guess it is that the week is over, and I am able to let go somewhat. Tony and I always go out to dinner on Friday evening, then we go walk at whatever mall is nearest us. I don't know why, but I end up crying before the night is over. I need a shrink. What in the world makes that happen?
Today I know what triggered it. In the mail was the invitation from Cooper Funeral Home to the annual Christmas tree ceremony. This is a nice thing that the Coopers do each year for the families who have lost someone during the last year. They give each family a bronze snowflake ornament engraved with their family member's name. How do I know-because I have three of them on my tree. I have mom's, dad's, and Phyllis's already. Now I will have one for my son. Unthinkable. I DON'T WANT ANOTHER ORNAMENT. (That was a scream in case you don't read email.) Please, don't hold me up as some kind of example. I am only handling this on the surface; deep down I am a mess. I can't focus on anything for any length of time. I don't finish anything I start. I forget what I am doing. I am truly living one day at a time.
Tomorrow I have to start the preparations for Thanksgiving. In the invitation from Coopers was a sheet with suggestions for grieving families experiencing the holidays for the first time. Again I have too much experience in this area. I think I will take the lead from Allison and Carson. If they want things to be exactly the same as they have always been, they will be. If they want to change things up, we'll do that. I know how painful it is to lose a sibling--especially one who is close as my kids were.
Even though my faith tells me that the "grave is not the last word," as the verse says, I can't wrap my mind around the events of the last weeks. I am having difficulty thinking of forever.