Take a firm stand

II Thessalonians 2: 15-17
So, friends, take a firm stand, feet on the ground and head high. Keep a tight grip on what you were taught, whether in personal conversation or by our letter. May Jesus himself and God our Father, who reached out in love and surprised you with gifts of unending help and confidence, put a fresh heart in you, invigorate your work, enliven your speech.

I had to read a couple of chapters of II Thessalonians before I found a passage that inspired me to write. Much of the first two chapters contains a greeting and a reminder that Jesus is coming back. Over two thousand years ago the early Christians were looking for Jesus's return. Are we still today? Some days I think we are. I hear people say that we are in the end times, but truthfully, that has been said my entire life. I don't fear the day Jesus comes back like I used to; I'm ready in so many ways to see Jason, Mamma, Daddy, Phyllis, Linda--I have almost as much family in heaven as I do here; however, I know and love people who have not asked Jesus to put a "fresh heart in [them]" like the verse says. We talked about that in my Sunday School class. Jesus exchanges hearts with us. We have this diseased, sinful heart that is hard and holding on to bitterness, jealousy, pride...the list goes on, but Jesus exchanges his pure heart for our disgusting one. We talked about how wonderful it would be if at the moment of salvation, we immediately became Christlike, but we don't. If that were true, everyone in the world would want to be a Christian. God reveals to us slowly over time what things in our lives do not honor Him. It would be too overwhelming if we saw our sin nature clearly all at once, so God is long-suffering, patient and lets us take things one step at a time. My pastor compares it to using a Windows program on a computer. We have to click Next to go to the next step. We sometimes are unwilling to click Next because we aren't sure what God will expect of us, so we just stay on the same page or hit previous and go backward. I appreciate so much a pastor that challenges me to go to the next step because I am still learning, still growing. These are the things that "invigorate [my] work, enliven [my] speech.

Keeping fit

I Thessalonians 5:23-28
May God himself, the God who makes everything holy and whole, make you holy and whole, put you together--spirit, soul, and body--and keep you fit for the coming of our Master, Jesus Christ. The One who called you is completely dependable. If he said it, he'll do it!
Friends, keep up your prayers for us. Greet all the Christians there with a holy embrace. And make sure this letter gets read to all the brothers and sisters. Don't leave anyone out.
The amazing grace of Jesus Christ be with you!

Today's society is obsessed with physical fitness. Look at the covers of the magazines in the grocery store. They all have headings that tell us how to lose weight, increase strength, lower cholesterol, etc. What if they all gave advice about spiritual fitness? What would it do for our society if instead of body building advice, we would see faith building advice? What if people paid big bucks for personal spiritual trainers instead of fitness trainers? Because of my cynicism of late, I am looking skeptically at all the health advice out there. My friend Sharyl lives one of the healthiest lifestyles of anyone I know--she has cancer. My sister Phyllis never smoked, never drank, yet exposure to a chemical in her job caused her to have lung and liver damage. Of course, the important thing for both of them is not their physical health; their spiritual health is more important than anything else. I watched as Phyllis fought for her life physically, but her faith was what grew by leaps and bounds in her final years. We will not know what struggles Sharyl has in front of her until she sees her oncologist Wednesday, but in talking to her last night it was obvious that she is relying on God right now for her strength.
I have had to turn everything over to God during these past weeks because I have absolutely no strength on my own. Why did it take such a huge personal tragedy for me to get to that point? I do appreciate the prayers of my friends and family. Everywhere I went this weekend, I saw people who gave "holy embraces" and told me that they had been thinking of us and praying for us. For the first time in my life, I have felt the prayers of others and have gained spiritual strength from them. Wouldn't it be cool if someone could help me get physically fit by just praying for me? As many people as have been praying for me lately, I would be ready for the olympics.

Christmas Cheer

I Thessalonians 5:16-22
Be cheerful no matter what, pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.
Don't supress the Spirit, and don't stifle those who have a word from the Master. On the other hand, don't be gullible. Check out everything, and keep only what's good. Throw out anything tainted with evil.

This is a tall order--Be cheerful no matter what. The "pray all the time" I can do because I can't seem to rely on my own strength any more. It is difficult to thank God no matter what happens, but I am finding myself thanking God hourly for Jason's years with us and for Allison and Carson. I thank Him for salvation and for the knowledge that I will see Jason again.
Today I went to visit a long-time family friend who has been diagnosed with cancer. I'm asking everyone who reads this blog to pray for Sharyl Patten. She is in pain and needs relief. This is where the "cheerful no matter what" is difficult. I'm tired of hearing bad news. Sharyl and my sister Phyllis and Tony's brother Randy graduated together in 1965. She and Mary Trahan have gone on ski trips with Cindy, me, and our kids a couple of times. Our boys were especially impressed that someone as "old" as Sharyl could keep up with them on the mountain. Our first trip with Sharyl was in 1999 when we stayed in the infamous Del Norte Motel near Wolf Creek. Let's just say the place was so bad that they gave us a third room at no charge. We laughed so much on that trip that my sides hurt. Jason and Candy, Allison, Jennifer Cofer, Cody, in one room Cindy, Kirby, Carson, and I in another. Mary and Sharyl were supposed to be with us, but there weren't as many beds as we had requested, so they gave us another room. Mary was too tall to stand up in the shower, the outside doors were hollow core, so Kirby and Carson (11 and 12 years old at the time) put furniture in front of ours so they could sleep. What sweet memories.

Thankful for family

I Thessalonians 5:13-15
Get along among yourselves, each of you doing your part. Our counsel is that you warn the freeloaders to get a move on. Gently encourage the stragglers, and reach out for the exhausted, pulling them to their feet. Be patient with each person, attentive to individual needs. And be careful that when you get on each other's nerves you don't snap at each other. Look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out.

I probably should have read this and posted my comments this morning. The thing is I am thankful that our family holidays are usually pleasant. We had about 21 here for Thanksgiving dinner; then Cindy and I and the kids will go to the movie together tonight--something we started doing many years ago. In the back of my mind all day I have realized that one very important person was missing. Jason hasn't always been here on Thanksgiving because he has been in Ft. Worth at an annual horse show several times in recent years, but his absence was palpable to me today.
I was afraid to say much because I didn't want to cry and make everyone uncomfortable. They would have understood completely because they were all feeling the same thing. I think we were all just "making it through the day." I am receiving good counsel about surviving the holidays from a couple of ladies who have traveled this horrible path years ago. They assure me that I will always remember and miss Jason, but it won't always be this painful. Later I will have sweet memories of him and be able to laugh and talk about him without crying. I wish I could skip these years, but that's not the way it works.

We're alive with Him

I Thessalonians 5:9-11
God didn't set us up for an angry rejection but for salvation by our Master, Jesus Christ. He died for us, a death that triggered life. Whether we're awake with the living or asleep with the dead, we're alive with him. So speak encouraging words to one another. Build up hope so you'll all be together in this, no one left out, no one left behind. I know you're already doing this; just keep on doing it.

I don't know why but I had such a fearful view of God when I was a child. I now see Him through the eyes of a parent. It was not until Jason was born that I began to imagine how much God loves us. My love for him was all-consuming, unconditional, and unending. I remember worrying when I was expecting Allison that I wouldn't have enough love for two children. Then she was born, and I fell immediately in love with her with plenty of love for Jason. Then Carson came along, and my love was not divided by three but tripled. Now Jason is in heaven, and my love for him hasn't diminished one bit. Because I want only wonderful things for my children, I realize how much God wants us to be saved. It is not an accident that He is called Father.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day. I don't feel especially thankful right now, but I am going to try to count my blessings.
Today I received several calls, text messages, and emails from people who said that they were just thinking about us and wanted us to know that they will be praying for us tomorrow. I am truly blessed with wonderful friends and family. I know tomorrow will be rough, but as one email I received today stated, grief shared is grief divided. We have 20 coming for dinner, and most of them will be missing Jason too, so we will try our best to honor him with loving memories.

Futility

I Thessalonians 5:1-4
I don't think, friends, that I need to deal with the question of when all this is going to happen. You know as well as I that the day of the Master's coming can't be posted on our calendars. He won't call ahead and make an appointment any more than a burglar would. About the time everybody's walking around complacently, congratulating each other--"We've sure got it made! Now we can take it easy."--suddenly everything will fall apart. It's going to come as suddenly and inescapably as birth pangs to a pregnant woman.
But friends, you're not in the dark, so how could you be taken off guard by any of this? You're sons of Light, daughters of day. We live under wide open skies and know where we stand.

This verse reminds me that we really shouldn't be making plans too far into the future. I don't think we should go through life haphazardly, without direction, but we don't need to focus too much on our "plans" to the point that they become too important to us. Life happens, unexpected things happen; we can't worry enough, we can't plan enough, and truthfully, we can't pray enough to stop life from happening. I don't like the idea that I am cynical right now, but I am. I prayed daily for Jason, prayed for him to have a happy life, prayed for his future, prayed that he would meet a wonderful Christian girl and get married and have a family, but one moment in time took all possibily of that away. I'm not blaming God for what happened; I'm just facing the reality that no matter what I do, what plans I make, what I "want" to happen, I can't change the course of events that will happen on this earth. Fortunately, I am a "daughter of day" which means that when Jesus comes, I will go with Him. That's really the only plan that I need to count on; my job now is to try to see that those I love are ready. I have to pray for God's guidance in this matter. I have been a complete failure up to this point in my life when it comes to leading the lost to Jesus. My mom and I used to talk about how embarrassing it is when the people in our own family who know us the best don't see the truth in us. Because my mom was such an exemplary Christian and she couldn't convince some of her family members to follow Jesus, I can take comfort in knowing that the Holy Spirit is the only one who can do this.
I can be an example and answer questions, but I can't convict a person of their need for salvation. That is God's work.
I thank God daily that Jason was a son of Light and that he is now in heaven waiting for the rest of us.

The Ultimate Family Reunion

I Thessalonians 4:15-18
And then this. We can tell you with complete confidence--we have the Master's word on it--that when the Master comes again to get us, those of us who are still alive will not get a jump on the dead and leave them behind. In actual fact, they'll be ahead of us. The Master himself will give the command. Archangel thunder! God's trumpet blast! He'll come down from heaven and the dead in Christ will rise--they'll go first. Then the rest of us who are still alive at the time will be caught up with them into the clouds to meet the Master. Oh, we'll be walking on air! And then there will be one huge family reunion with the Master. So reassure one another with these words.

This is a very familiar passage for Christians. The Message puts a contemporary spin on it, but the idea is the same. I never really thought about the day Christ comes back with the anticipation that I feel now. If I am still here on this earth, I will see Jason again. I have other family members to see too, but the first one I want to see is Jason. I won't have to ask him what he has been doing; he will tell me. That is one thing I miss most. Jason called to visit. He knew how to have a conversation. Our talks weren't just question and answer sessions. We would talk about the most recent OSU game, family gossip, church, school, people. He and I always caught up on news about his friends and our family. He would tell me about the ranch, the people in Nebraska, the weather. Even though he didn't really like the cold weather last winter, I think he liked battling the elements. He got that from Tony. Any time we have snow, I can be assured that Tony will want to go to town. He always blames me-tells everyone that I wanted to go-but he is the one who likes to bundle up and go into town for some groceries, a Sonic run.
I always thought Jason was born too late. He would have loved being a cowboy--Young Guns was his favorite movie. I wonder if in heaven he is getting to live the life of a cowboy without any of the hardships.
I don't really understand the whole "glorified body" stuff, but the experts that I read and listen to tell me that Jason's spirit is in heaven today, but his body will reunite with his spirit when Christ returns.
When I get there, whether it is before or after Christ's return, Jason will take me on my first tour of heaven, and he will catch me up on all the family gossip on that side of eternity.

Fake it til you Make It

I Thessalonians 4:13-14
And regarding the questions, friends, that has come up about what happens to those already dead and buried, we don't want you in the dark any longer. First off, you must not carry on over them like people who have nothing to look forward to, as if the grave were the last word. Since Jesus died and broke loose from the grave, God will most certainly bring back to life those who died in Jesus.

I have tried for two months not to "carry on over Jason." Lately I have had several people tell me that they admire the way I have handled his death. Let me clarify something; I am faking it. None of these people see me when I am home alone or with just Tony. Something happens to me every Friday afternoon. I guess it is that the week is over, and I am able to let go somewhat. Tony and I always go out to dinner on Friday evening, then we go walk at whatever mall is nearest us. I don't know why, but I end up crying before the night is over. I need a shrink. What in the world makes that happen?
Today I know what triggered it. In the mail was the invitation from Cooper Funeral Home to the annual Christmas tree ceremony. This is a nice thing that the Coopers do each year for the families who have lost someone during the last year. They give each family a bronze snowflake ornament engraved with their family member's name. How do I know-because I have three of them on my tree. I have mom's, dad's, and Phyllis's already. Now I will have one for my son. Unthinkable. I DON'T WANT ANOTHER ORNAMENT. (That was a scream in case you don't read email.) Please, don't hold me up as some kind of example. I am only handling this on the surface; deep down I am a mess. I can't focus on anything for any length of time. I don't finish anything I start. I forget what I am doing. I am truly living one day at a time.
Tomorrow I have to start the preparations for Thanksgiving. In the invitation from Coopers was a sheet with suggestions for grieving families experiencing the holidays for the first time. Again I have too much experience in this area. I think I will take the lead from Allison and Carson. If they want things to be exactly the same as they have always been, they will be. If they want to change things up, we'll do that. I know how painful it is to lose a sibling--especially one who is close as my kids were.
Even though my faith tells me that the "grave is not the last word," as the verse says, I can't wrap my mind around the events of the last weeks. I am having difficulty thinking of forever.

Stay calm

I Thessalonians 4:11-12

Stay calm; mind your own business; do your own job. You've heard all this from us before, but a reminder never hurts. We want you living in a way that will command the respect of outsiders, not lying around sponging off your friends.

Today is November 20th the two month anniversary of Jason's death. I can't really believe it has already been two months. I told the girls in my class tonight that I am just now remembering the first days after his death. People came to visit that I forgot about; I'll see someone and think "I saw them somewhere recently" and realize that they were at my house either Sunday or Monday of that first week. I remember now talking to them, but those days have been buried in my mind. I thank God for the insulation that He provides.
In response to the verses above, how much trouble would we avoid if we just learned to follow those first pieces of advice. Several years ago we had an inservice that was presented by a retired elementary teacher. I remember walking in and thinking--what does she have to teach a staff of high school teachers? The only thing I remember is her advice to STAY IN YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION. I may think that people are not doing what they should be doing or that they are not doing the job like I think they should, but unless I am their supervisor, it is not my business. Reminding myself of that advice has allowed me to stay calm, mind my own business, and do my own job. I can't say I always follow her advice, but usually I stop myself when I start to be critical of another person. This is good advice at work, in clubs, at church, everywhere. If we would all just do our own jobs--to the best of our ability--our schools, businesses, churches, organizations, etc. would run so much smoother. When we do our best, we command respect.

Infused with strength

I Thessalonians 3:11-13

May God our Father himself and our Master Jesus clear the road to you. And may the Master pour on the love so it fills your lives and splashes over on everyone around you, just as it does from us to you. May you be infused with strength and purity, filled with confidence in the presence of God our Father when our Master Jesus arrives with all his followers.

What does it mean to be infused with strength and purity? I have not always thought of myself as a strong person and certainly not a pure one. I began thinking of myself as strong when my mom was sick. I had to step up and be the grown up for the first time in my life. See, I was the baby, baby of my family. There was an eight year gap between me and my closest sibling. I was the fun one, the entertainer, the center of attention. I didn't have to handle the big stuff; I got the easy jobs. While Phyllis was cleaning the bathroom, I was dusting the living room. While she was cooking a meal, I would set the table and then sit and talk to her. I know she wanted to kill me, but she didn't. I paid her back when momma got sick; everyone tried to pitch in and help, but I felt like because I was healthier than my siblings and because it was summer and I was off work, I needed to do the lion's share of taking care of her. Thus began my infusion with strength. For many years now I have had no choice but to be strong. My mom died seven years before daddy, so I spent seven years taking care of him while I was also trying to be a decent wife, mother, teacher, Christian. Phyllis and Linda were unable to help much because they were sick, so I was the Lone Ranger. Donna, my niece, helped quite a bit, but she was taking care of her mother, so she was busy. When I think back on those years, I'm not too proud of my attitude--it wasn't too pure. I don't think Daddy ever felt my frustration, but I know my stress spilled over on Tony and the kids.
Daddy was so fortunate that he was able to stay in his own home; he never had to go to a nursing home except for a couple of times after his first knee replacement and again when he broke his hip. Both stays were temporary, so he was ok with the situation.
Jason used to tell me he would put me in "Shady Acres"--don't know where that is, but I know it was a nursing home. At least he was honest about it; I didn't have to wonder what he was thinking.

Homesickness

I Thessalonians 2:17-19
Do you have any idea how very homesick we became for you, dear friends? Even though it hadn't been that long and it was only our bodies that were separated from you, not our hearts, we tried our very best to get back to see you. You can't imagine how much we missed you.

I've been homesick before. It is an awful feeling--wanting to be home but not being able to get there. Jason went to Washington D.C for FFA's Washington Conference when he was a sophomore. I was so anxious when I went to Guthrie to pick him up; it felt like he had be gone for weeks. The first thing he said to me was, "I didn't want to come home." You see, he had fallen a little bit in love with a girl on the trip. My feelings were so hurt. How could another girl be more important to him that I was?
When I talked to Jason on the phone all during this past year, some days he seemed homesick, others he seemed happy to be where he was. Tony had a health scare in May and spent the night in the hospital. Jason called more often than Allison and Carson together. I think it was because they knew that they could be home in an hour if they needed to be, but he was hours away and felt helpless.
I could tell when he was homesick by his tone of voice. He would ask questions about family, friends, church, school, whatever--just to hear about home. I'm so homesick for him right now, but I know that he is not homesick for this place. That seems strange to me. How could he not want to be here with us? Because Jesus is where he is, and he has a new perspective. He has fallen deeply in love.
One of the books I have been reading compares our birth on earth to our entry into heaven. Everyone is anxious and anticipating the new baby--preparations are made because we know the baby's arrival is imminent. I love the idea that my father-in-law Freddy, my mom and dad, Phyllis, and Linda knew Jason was coming and that they were preparing for him. What I can't fathom is how my family could be happy that he is in heaven when they know that we are experiencing such pain--it's all about that new perspective--time means nothing to them. My mom has been there over twelve years--I assure you she has it all figured out. I'm glad there are no cell phones in heaven. My feelings would be so hurt if I could talk to him and find out that he isn't missing us at all.

Music for the soul

I think someone from church must be reading this blog because Sunday morning we sang several "old hymns" including songs that remind me of my childhood in church. They were old words put to new rhythms, but the verses were so familiar. The thing that we noticed was that many of the people around us did not know the words to the old standards like "Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus" and "I'll Fly Away." That didn't make me sad; it made me rejoice. These people did not grow up in church, but they are standing beside me each week in worship. Those of us who knew the old songs had a ball singing what I call the "Happy Heaven" songs that were so familiar, but they were not that special to me when I was a kid. As a matter of fact, I probably didn't like them so much when I was younger, but now it IS sweet to trust in Jesus, to take Him at his word, and some glad morning I AM going to fly away.

I Thessalonians 2:10-11
We were never patronizing, never condescending, but we cared for you the way a mother cares for her children. We loved you dearly. Not content to just pass on the Message, we wanted to give you our hearts. And we did.

This passage is reminding the Thessalonians how Paul and his co-laborers felt about the them. I can easily relate to this passage when I think of the children who I have taught through the years. I'm not much of a kid person. I am not comfortable teaching younger ages, but through the years I have taught teens and kids in Sunday school, Wednesday night classes, and VBS. I was always out of my comfort zone if the kids were below high school level, but when you attend a small church, you do what is needed. The thing is, I have a very soft spot toward all of the kids I taught in these classes. There is a connection with them that I don't always have with my students in school. I hope they all know that I love them dearly. Sometimes when I taught kids when they were young and then again when they were in high school in my English class, they seemed to be uncomfortable around me. Believe me there was no need. I was content to "pass on the Message."

One more human opinion

I Thessalonians 2:13
And now we look back on all this and thank God, an artesian well of thanks! When you got the Message of God we preached, you didn't pass it off as juist one more human opinion, but you took it to heart as God's true word to you, which it is, God himself at work in you believers.

That is such a battle today. We have become too sophisticated as a society to accept the Message of God. I hear people all the time saying, "We're all trying to get to the same place." meaning all faiths, all religions, all ways of thinking. The problem is that Salvation through Christ is not just one more human opinion; it is the only way to get there. How do we communicate that to others without offending and turning them away? We have to show them--words are cheap. I have often told of the conversation I had with my mother about two months before she died. We were on our way home from her weekly doctor's appointment in OKC and were facing some grim realities. She told me, "I have prepared for this my entire life, and even if I have been wrong, even if there is no heaven, I believe that following the teachings of Jesus has been a better way to live my life." That was the day I realized two things--first, my MOM experienced doubt--I never dreamed, and second, she was so far beyond me in her faith. I was a Christian because I wanted to go to heaven. It has been twelve years since that conversation, and I now know what she was saying. I have had so many people tell me what an influence my mother was on their lives. Why? Because she lived it, faith was not just something she passed of as a human opinion--she took it to heart.
I didn't always make my mother proud--she probably wanted to pinch my head off many times, but as time goes on, I continue to follow the lessons she instilled in me. I wish I could thank her "an artesian well of thanks."

Battery of tests

I Thessalonians 2: 3-5
God tested us thoroughly to make sure we were qualified to be trusted with this Message. Be assured that when we speak to you we're not after crowd approval--only God approval. Since we've been put through that battery of tests, you're guaranteed that both we and the Message are free of error, mixed motives, or hidden agendas.

Can I be trusted with God's message? I want to be. I don't want misrepresent my savior. I must admit I am struggling right now in my grief. I'm not doubting God's existence or Jesus's savation, but I don't feel like a Christian is supposed to feel. I've been here before, and I found my way to the other side, but this is different. When Momma, Phyllis, Daddy, and Linda died, I grieved, but this is different. Because Phyllis's work environment at Tinker contributed to her death, I became angry when she died, and it took me a long time to get over that anger, but this is different. In all of those situations, I had children at home. I didn't have any choice but to pick myself up and go on. I had a responsibility to my family to show them the way, to respond like a believer should when another believer leaves this life and goes to heaven. This time I have no desire to be the example; I just want to wallow in my grief.
We went to the mall tonight, and Christmas is everywhere. I can't think about what I need to buy without thinking about what I don't have to buy. For the first time in 33 years, I won't be shopping for Jason. Last year I sent a box to Nebraska. I had bought him a new cell phone that would reach home and sent it to him early, so he wasn't expecting anything from us. I shopped for a few small gifts for him and sent them to him so that he would have them for Christmas. I only remember a few of the things I bought--a piece of luggage, OSU shirts, DVD's of his favorite movies; the only one I remember is Young Guns. I wanted his first Christmas away from home to still feel like Christmas--never imagining that it would be his last. He seemed pleased to have gifts to open on Christmas.
I've read the poem "My First Christmas in Heaven" way too many times in my life. That is a standard among Christians to send to a person who is grieving at Christmas.
The sentiment is beautiful, but I am not comforted by it this year. I want Jason to spend his 33rd Christmas on earth. God created in us a love for this world and the people in it. I think he must have deliberately instilled that in us so that we wouldn't be miserable here when we compare this place to heaven. I may have to come to terms with the fact that I will always have this empty place inside of me that only Jason could fill, and that it will remain until I see him in heaven. Max Lucado calls it Homesickness because he says we aren't supposed to be comfortable here.
I don't know if what I am feeling honors God, but I know it would not honor Him to pretend I'm ok and everything's fine when it is not.

Praying for you

I Thessalonians 1: 2-5
Every time we think of you, we thank God for you. Day and night you're in our prayers as we call to mind your work of faith, your labor of love, and your patience of hope in following our Master, Jesus Christ, before God our Father.

How many times have I told someone that I would pray for them and then let my mind get distracted from following through. Lately though I have realized that I don't have to wait for a "prayer time" to pray. Any time a person is brought to my mind, I can pray for that person. Believe me it changes the way you look at people. I want to be connected to God through my day.
I received an email from a lady this afternoon whose 14-year-old daughter was killed in a car accident five weeks ago. Remember I said a few weeks ago that I was having trouble looking for the sadder story. Well, this one is. Not only was the girl only 14, but her 17-year-old brother was driving the vehicle. I have been praying for that family all evening. The mom and I have agreed to communicate by email to see if we can help one another through this year.
I have heard of people who have markers that remind them to pray. Jimmy Carter prayed every time he walked through the rose garden near the White House. Others say they pray every time their house comes into view. In today's world we could have constant prayers going up if Christians would pray every time they saw a McDonald's, Starbuck's, Walgreens, CVC. As I wrote before, my prayer life has changed. It is more random and more constant than ever before. It is the only thing that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other.

What would Paul say about me?

The last part of Chapter 4 of the letter to the Colossians is a list of people and a comment about each one. Tychicus is a trusted minister and companion in the service of the Master, Onesimus is one of you and has become a trusted dear brother, Mark and Justus are the only ones left from the old crowd who have stuck with me in working for God's kingdom, Epaphras has been a trooper--tireless in his prayers for you.
Years ago Point of Grace had a song called "What's He Gonna Say About Me" that asks what Jesus will say about us when we get to heaven--of course, that's the important question, but I can't help but wonder what Paul would say about me and my walk with Christ. I'm afraid I wouldn't measure up in so many areas. Do I pray enough, study enough, worship enough, give enough? No, not when you think about what Jesus has done for me. Fortunately for all of us, Jesus did the work; we just accept his work on our behalf. We don't have to make a check list and log so many hours of prayer, worship, study, keep track of our financial gifts, keep a record of volunteer hours. Can you imagine hauling all of that with us to heaven's gate? Aren't you glad that his "yoke is easy; his burden is light." We could never "do" enough to offset the things we have left undone. Again I wonder if when we get to heaven there will be a bar graph showing us how we spent our time, talents, money. I certainly hope not; I think it might make me cry and there will be no tears in heaven, so I'm safe. Whew!

Colossians 4:5-6
Use your heads as you live and work among outsiders. Don't miss a trick. Make the most of every opportunity. Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversaion, not put them down, not cut them out.

By outsiders he means people who are outside of Christ's salvation. Our goal should be to include them in the family of God, but sometime we, by our words or actions, put them down or cut them out. I think of this when I am dealing with my students. I make no secret of the fact that I am a Christian, so I have a great responsibility to represent Christ in my conversations with students. When some students know that their teachers are Christians, they set us up to see how we will react. They push us to the limit to see if we will lose our cool and react in a human way. Unfortunately, no matter how long we have been Christians, how firm we are in our faith, we are also quite human, and we don't always respond appropriately to their challenges. There is a way to treat them with kind firmness and to let them know that we truly care about their future success.

Today is Carson's 21st Birthday. He has really always been mature for his age, so I know I can count on him to celebrate responsibly. Since he was in high school, I have always told him "Don't be Stupid" when he was leaving the house. We have laughed that other moms say "I Love You" to their kids. I think my comment says the same thing. So many kids make stupid choices when they are in high school or college--choices that affect the rest of their lives. I love him too much to want him to go through the consequences of a stupid action. It seems strange to think that my youngest child is a bona fide adult. I wish Jason was here to wish him a happy birthday. When Kirby turned 21, Jason seemed bothered by it. It was really the first time he had ever voiced to me that he was feeling old. Kirby and Carson were the "little boys" in our family-only 15 months apart. I guess I have to face the reality that we don't have "little boys" any longer. One more time, Carson, Don't Be Stupid.

Pray for open doors

Colossians 4:2-4

Pray diligently. Stay alert, with your eyes wide open in gratitude. Don't forget to pray for us, that God will open doors for telling the mystery of Christ, even while I'm locked up in this jail. Pray that every time I open my mouth I'll be able to make Christ plain as day to them.

I've never been in jail, but I have been locked up--not physically but emotionally. The past weeks I have felt like I can't talk to anyone about serious matters because my emotions are so raw that I am afraid I will cry, so I just don't talk about the most important of all topics--I'm locked up in this jail.
I think what has to happen is that I have to let go of the fear of crying. The subject is too important to the people I love. I can't be afraid to talk to them. I used to pray daily for God to send people around my family members who could reach them, talk to them, share Jesus with them. I always felt that I had to be open to speak to the people I came in contact with because there might be someone praying that I would share my faith their family member.
I should be like Paul who was in a physical jail. He prayed for God to open doors; he even shared his faith with the jailer.
That may be the reason I have continued to write. This is safe for me; I can quit if it gets too hard; I don't have to worry about crying in front of others. I pray that God will use my words to reach someone who needs Jesus.

I'm Alive

When we've been there ten thousand years
bright shining as the sun
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we first begun.

If there is one criticism I have had of my church, it is that they haven't included old traditional hymns in their worship as much as I would like. That has changed in the past several weeks. We have begun singing one old hymn each week. Usually is the old words to new music, but it is still familiar.
My reason for wanting to sing the old songs is personal. I was raised in church, but I haven't always attended church. From the time I was 18 until I was about 27, I only attended occasionally, but my spirit was moved by the music as much as by the sermons when I did attend. The new songs may reach those who have not been in church, but those who are returning after an absence can be reached by the familiar hymns.
This morning we sang a medley that included "Amazing Grace" with Cass and Elizabeth singing "I'm Alive" in the background. I thought of Jack Richey who was my pastor when I was a kid. He always sang the third verse slower and louder than the others, and he changed the "thousand years" to "Billion years." Jason has been in heaven six weeks; compare that to a billion years.
I miss him so much, and I don't have any idea how long it will be before I join him there, but however long I have to live here is no time at all compared to the eternity that I will spend with him.
When we were singing "I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive" this morning, I felt like Jason was sending me a personal message. "It's ok Mom, I'm alive--more alive than you are."

What a waste of time

Today some of my students informed me that there is a place that people can comment on Shawnee News Star's website concerning our football program, so like an idiot I read some of the comments tonight. Come on folks, let's get real. We have some great kids at Tecumseh, but we don't have much athletic talent at the present. Some of the most talented athletes have been injured--not because they weren't in shape--because they play football, a full-contact sport.
Some comments keep referring to Tecumseh's winning tradition--Tecumseh, Oklahoma? Seriously, we have had some decent teams through the years, but we have never been a football powerhouse.

Some of these people are blaming coaches for everything from our win-loss record to global warming. They keep bringing up the fact that players have quit; therefore, the coaches are to blame. From a mom's point-of-view let me comment here. If a player quits or chooses not to play, he doesn't want to play. That is not a sin, crime, character flaw, or anything to blame anyone for. It is a fact. A boy who wants to play football will play. Some of the ones who don't want to play will make up excuses for quitting--injury, job, academics, coach--but the reality is he doesn't want to play. I grew up with so many boys who were made to play or who only played because their dads wanted them to. Those same boys grew up to be men who refused to be that kind of father. We raised two sons. Jason played football three years (7th-9th grade) and then decided to focus on his cutting horse competitions and ag activities; I must admit we were a little disappointed because we love sports, and we enjoyed watching him, but Tony (who played football too) said then that a kid who doesn't want to play should not play. Football is not a half-hearted sport. It takes full effort-heart and soul. Carson went to South Rock Creek, so he didn't get to play until his 9th grade year. We didn't allow our boys to play little league football for personal reasons. Carson exhibited a love for the game that was a joy to watch. He was always such a quiet, low-key kid until he was on the football field--then he became crazy. He would have played for any coach, any team, any time. He loved the game and still calls to tell me about his flag football games at OSU. If they didn't start at 10 pm, I would be in the stands watching him because he was fun to watch.
I'm not sure why I'm even commenting on this blog about this topic, but I refuse to be a part to the anonymous argument in the News Star. I'm ready to go to bed, and my blood pressure was probably up when I was reading the comments, so I thought I'd better write down my thoughts so that I could sleep. Perspective, folks, perspective.

Cultivate thankfulness

Colossians 3: 15-17
Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ--the Message--have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God. Let every detail in your lives--words, actions, whatever--be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking the Father every step of the way.

I keep seeing signs that we are in the season of Thanksgiving, but I am having a difficult time feeling thankful. I know that I could make a list of things to be thankful for in my life, and it would be long. At the top of that list would be my family. I was blessed to be born into a wonderful family and to marry into a wonderful family, and I have been blessed with healthy, happy children. I am thankful for my relationship with Christ, a good marriage, a good job, wonderful friends, my health, a great church--so many blessings. However, right now all I can think about is facing this holiday season without Jason. That outweighs everything else. Someday I will be able to thank God for the years of Jason's life, not yet, someday.
In the meantime I will try to take the words of these verses to heart. I keep thinking about Jimmy's message at the funeral. He told us to let music comfort us. I have learned that there are certain songs that can bring me to tears of sadness, but there are also songs that bring me joy, laughter, and wonderful memories. Jason loved to sing and always sang along with the radio in the car--I'm talking always. When he was a little boy and last year when he went anywhere with me, he was always singing.
When he was in fourth grade, he came home one day and told me he was going to be in his class play. He was going to play a farmer and needed overalls, a flannel shirt, a straw hat, etc. According to him it was no big deal. The morning of the play they performed for the other grade school classes, and the teachers kept coming to me and telling me about what a great job Jason did in the play. I then went to his classroom to find out about his role and discovered that he had the lead and was singing several solos. I had to get on the phone to his grandparents and aunts to tell them to come up that night for the evening performance. He was wonderful-not the least bit nervous. He also sang at church when he was little. My favorite song was called "God Loves to talk to Little Boys While They're Fishin."
I hear stories of karaoke nights in Stillwater, and Jason would partner up with someone and sing. So I'm going to begin cultivating thankfulness by thanking the Father for music. Jason is now singing praises to God in perfect harmony.

Colossians 3:12-14

So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you; compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garmet. Never be without it.



It seems to me that there is really nothing to add to these verses. If we all consistently exhibited the characteristics above, the world would be so impressed that they would be desperate to find out who we serve and join us. The Christians that I admire most exhibit these traits. I guess I never thought about the fact that they choose to dress themselves in these characteristics. I believe that we have personality traits that we are born with, but I don't think we are incapable of actively changing some of the traits that are not very Christlike. I wonder if the people whose natural personality is compassionate and kind realize what a head start they have in life. I've done the personality tests--one says I'm an otter, the other one says I'm orange--what they both say is that I am more interested in having a good time than getting the job done. I always wanted to test strong in the golden retriever or blue catagory. Those people are naturally kind and sensitive to others--it must be so much easier to exhibit Christian traits when your natural personality coincides with these verses. The only thing is that God created all of us, and that means we all start with whatever traits we were born with and then we have to temper them so that we do not embarrass God. Some of us just have to make more changes than others.

Colossians 3:9-11

Don't lie to one another. You're done with that old life. It's like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you've stripped off and put in the fire. Now you're dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete. Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.

I love it when scripture is practical. This passage speaks to divisions among us. We have to be different from the world. This world is full of division--race, sex, age, culture, economic status, but there is no excuse for division among Christ followers. That's another thing that will probably only come when we get to heaven. That makes me sad that we can't get it right, but I'm glad to think about Jason being in a place that is united. I've been wondering how old everyone is in heaven. My mom was 75 when she died, dad 83, Phyllis 55, Linda 62, Jason 33, so how old are they now? Is everyone the same age? I know that everyone is healthy, no matter how old. Another thing that we won't have the answer to until we get there.

Pray for our country and its leaders.

We have a new President, and as Christians we all have a responsibility to pray for him and his family. I realize that I spend too much time with 17 year olds, but I was so disturbed by the remarks made by some of my students today. I have to wonder where their ideology comes from. So many of them believe that you must vote a certain way, belong to a particular political party, agree with them, or you are not a Christian. They did not come to this conclusion by themselves; they have been taught this. I have always believed that there are smart people on both sides of most issues. I have attended church almost my entire life with both Republicans and Democrats. My mom and dad canceled one another's vote out every year. My dad told me that the election after mom died was the first time his vote had ever counted.
In my life I have voted in every election since I was 18 years old. Sometimes my candidate has won; sometimes he has lost. I don't ever remember being so upset that I have predicted assassination for the winner. That is not a Christian response to the election. There is no justification for this type of comment, but I heard it more than once today from students who claim Christianity as their faith.
For many years now some outspoken Christians have demonized anyone who does not agree with their politics, and some politicians have declared faith to gain votes from the evangelicals. The only problem is that recently some of those very politicians have humiliated themselves and their families with "unseemly" behavior. Their hypocrisy has been exposed to the world, and they have become fodder for Jay Leno and David Letterman. God will not be mocked.
Regardless of who we supported in the election, one thing is certain, God is in control. He was in control yesterday, and He will be in control tomorrow.
It's time for us to admit that Christians do not have a good reputation in this country. We once had a good reputation with other Christians, but now we can't even claim that. If we are going to win the lost, we have to reassess our behavior and reach out to people instead of sitting in judgement of them. The overwhelming election numbers in favor of the Democratic party reveals that Christians are not of one party.
I'm going to pray daily for the safety of Barak, Michelle, and their girls. I hope other Christians will join me.

Perspective

Colossians 3:1-2
So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ--that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.

I want to see things from Christ's perspective, but right now I'm looking at things through my eyes. Today is my birthday, and Jason is not here to wish me a Happy Birthday as he has for as long as I can remember. I knew it was coming, but I wasn't ready for the emotions it brought to light. My friends brought or sent me gifts and cards, brought lunch to school, Tony and I went to Outback, Janna, Allison, and Carson called, we celebrated Sunday, what more do I want? I want to hear from my son. I wonder how long this feeling of limbo will last? I can go about my business for hours without feeling that heaviness that grips my heart, but something will happen or I will see something or someone that will remind me of Jason, and I have to face reality one more time. It is too soon to expect anything different.

Now live Him.

Colossians 2:6-7
My counsel for you is simple and straightforward; Just go ahead with what you've been given. You received Christ Jesus, the Master; now live him. You're deeply rooted in him. You're well constructed upon him. You know your way around the faith. Now do what you've been taught. School's out; quit studying the subject and start living it! And let your living spill over with thanksgiving.

What an interesting way to state the obvious. School's out; quit studying the subject and start living it. If we are going to be effective in winning the world to Christ, we have to put our faith into action. We can't remain behind closed doors in our churches while there is such great suffering outside the doors. So many Christians are afraid to enter the world and get their hands dirty. If our faith is so weak that we are afraid of being around those who do not share our faith, it is not much faith at all. Those of us who have been Christians for a long time know our way around the faith, but we haven't always lived it. We have to find a way to show the lost people in our world that following the teachings of Jesus is the best way to live our lives.
I am reading Traveling Light by Max Lucado. He has a clear, concise style that makes Christianity such an appealing way of life. Today I read the chapter about worry. To be honest I have been guilty of worrying in the past. One thing I have noticed since Jason's death is that I have quit worrying. I don't know if my mind doesn't have room for grief and worry or if I now know that my worrying did not add one moment to Jason's life, I just know that I haven't worried about anything. I guess we have to experience real tragedy to take our minds off the things in our lives that cause worry.

Milestones

Today was another milestone in our journey. We had a family dinner at Cindy and Randy's for Gigi's, Carson's, and my birthday. Cody is home from a tour in Iraq, and we wanted to do this before he has to leave next week for San Diego. It is good to be together, but the reminders of the change in our family are everywhere. I know that Jason would not have been here, but it seems wrong for us to just go on without him. I wonder if I will ever be able to experience a family event without that back-of-the-mind constant memory of our grief. We have spent quite a bit of time together in the last six weeks, but today was different. I can't explain why.

The secret

Colossians 2: 3-4 I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God's great mystery. All the richest treasures of wisdom and knowledge are embedded in that mystery and nowhere elso. And we've been shown the mystery. I'm telling you this because I don't want anyone leading you off on some wild goose chase, after other so-called mysteries, or "the secret."

If you have visited a book store lately, you've seen many books with "The Secret" in the title. I haven't read these because I am leery of "self-help" books that are not based on Christian principles. The popularity of these types of books is evidence that humans are searching for something of significance. The verses make me realize that people have been going on wild goose chases for over 2000 years, looking for answers to "meaning of life" question. If I am going to follow a teaching--religious, political, philosophical--I have to see evidence of love. Christianity is based on love--love your neighbor as yourself. I don't know about you, but it is easy to love myself--to put myself first. True evidence of a Christian is their love of people, all people, not just the loveable. I don't see evidence of love in everyone who claims Christ; I don't even see it in myself all the time. I think the first part of these verses is the answer for all of us. We need to be "woven into the tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God." That takes effort. We have to actively pursue God's mysteries through worship, study, reading, interraction with other Christians. It would be nice if God would just reveal truths to us like we download information into a computer. Just push a button, and everything you need to know becomes part of your internal hard drive. That may be what happens when we cross over into heaven. Everything that we puzzled over in life becomes clear. The things we thought were important here will be revealed to us as insignificant. I have noticed that since Jason's death, I have a new perspective. The things that used to worry me seem trivial. It has also been true for my family and friends. When I see someone that is going through a trial now, they all say the same thing. "My problems are trivial compared to what you have been through." Job loss, marital troubles, financial troubles, problems with kids, bad grades--all of these are troublesome to us, but when you put them next to losing Jason--they are all trivial. My sister Phyllis always had a saying "If your problem can be solved with money, it is not a problem." How much of my life have I spent worrying about things of this world that are trivial. My eyes are open now to what is important. My relationship with-- God, my husband, my children, my family and my friends--those are the important things in my life. Everything else doesn't deserve my attention. Unfortunately, I have had to learn this lesson the hard way--the way I have learned all the important lesson of my life. Don't you think God gets so frustrated with us--he has revealed the mystery of life to us in His word, and we look there last.