I've been noticing that the newscasters are calling 2010 Twenty ten instead of two thousand ten. That will take some getting used to. I wonder if it will cross over to us. I'm not sure why it matters.
When I reflect on this year, I can look back with sadness, joy, fear, humor, frustration, pride and humility at the events.
The sadness that permeates our lives is dealing with all the firsts without Jason. It doesn't really matter what yearly event was taking place, there was a bittersweet feeling that Jason was not with us. We survived. I'm so thankful for the prayers of my friends and family that has helped us with our grief.
I've experienced joy, something I didn't think I would feel again after Jason died. My most joyous moments have come when I've been with Tony, Allison, and Carson. We don't get to be together as often as we'd like because everyone has crazy schedules, but we have gone out to dinner or had dinner here, gone to OSU football games. I went to Stillwater several days this summer to help Allison and Carson move and decorate their houses. I love doing that. Any time I am around Crystal and Erica's kids, there is joy. Those little guys bring light into any room.
The fear that I have to overcome is the fear for Allison's and Carson's lives. I think because I have always prayed for my kids, I thought there was some kind of forcefield around them. Since Jason's death I have realized that my prayers are no guarantee of their safety, but I have to find a way to live without the fear.
The humor, something I was afraid would never come back after Jason's death, has never left me. I love laughing with my Sunday School class, the people I teach with, my students, and my family. I am truly relieved that we can laugh together every time we get together.
I was so frustrated when I discovered that the classes I needed to take for the summer couldn't be finished in June, and I not only had to go to school in July, but I also had to go to Durant for one of them. It all worked out ok.
The pride comes in finishing my master's finally. It only took 18 months, but I waited so long to do it.
Lastly, I have been so humbled by the love and support I have received from my friends and family this year. Sometimes I have a crummy day, or my heart starts aching, and I will receive a post on facebook, a call or a visit, and I will feel loved and comforted. Facebook has been so much fun. I have reconnected with people from all over and from all times in my life. Technology amazes me. I wonder what the next ten years will bring.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Christmas 2009
It's December 26, 2009, and Christmas is not over. We still have a family Christmas to attend on Tuesday with Phyllis's kids and grandkids. I always look forward to seeing them. They are growing up so fast.
This year's Christmas has been rough for all of us in Oklahoma. Christmas Eve a blizzard blew in and dumped up to 14" of snow on us. People were stranded on the highways and the interstate system was closed. It didn't bode well for Christmas day. We're lucky enough that our destination of Randy and Cindy's is walking distance from our house, but we were able to get the truck out and enjoy an Indian taco lunch with Randy, Cindy, Cody, Ashley, Aunt Polly, Cindy's parents and Ashley's mom and brothers. Kirby, Beth and Carson were stuck in Piedmont but were able to drive down in the afternoon. Allison was stuck in Stillwater but was able to come home today. So, we opened our "Santa" gifts this afternoon and ate chilli dogs for lunch. Carson's friend Nick joined us.
We have three dogs for the weekend. They are improving each time she visits. At Thanksgiving Allison's dog Capone and our dog Lucy had a couple of run-ins over food and a position at the foot of my bed. Now Allison has Lady, a one year old King Charles Cavalier Spaniel to add to the mix. Amazingly they are all getting along fine.
Christmas Eve night when I realized that the roads were impassable and the kids weren't going to be home for Christmas, I had a little fit. I do that sometimes. Looking back now I realize I again overreacted. Dec. 25th is just a day. There is nothing sacred about that date. The important thing is that we are all safe and warm and that we will eventually get together to celebrate Jesus's birthday.
Many people had to rearrange their traditions this year. My niece whose husband is stationed in Abilene was expecting him to be home for Christmas Eve with all the Santa presents. He couldn't leave, so they had to postpone Santa's arrival until Christmas night. That took some fast talking.
I've been thinking today about Matt Gardner, a member of my Sunday School class. He is somewhere in the Middle East serving our country. My daughter being stranded completely safe in Stillwater is nothing to that.
Some families are experiencing their first Christmas without a loved one this year. I know from experience that traditions change with each death in the family.
I wonder how old I will be when I learn all the important lessons God wants me to learn through the experiences in my life. Patience, Debbie, Patience. The Fruit of the Spirit that we may ask for, but don't want to "learn".
This year's Christmas has been rough for all of us in Oklahoma. Christmas Eve a blizzard blew in and dumped up to 14" of snow on us. People were stranded on the highways and the interstate system was closed. It didn't bode well for Christmas day. We're lucky enough that our destination of Randy and Cindy's is walking distance from our house, but we were able to get the truck out and enjoy an Indian taco lunch with Randy, Cindy, Cody, Ashley, Aunt Polly, Cindy's parents and Ashley's mom and brothers. Kirby, Beth and Carson were stuck in Piedmont but were able to drive down in the afternoon. Allison was stuck in Stillwater but was able to come home today. So, we opened our "Santa" gifts this afternoon and ate chilli dogs for lunch. Carson's friend Nick joined us.
We have three dogs for the weekend. They are improving each time she visits. At Thanksgiving Allison's dog Capone and our dog Lucy had a couple of run-ins over food and a position at the foot of my bed. Now Allison has Lady, a one year old King Charles Cavalier Spaniel to add to the mix. Amazingly they are all getting along fine.
Christmas Eve night when I realized that the roads were impassable and the kids weren't going to be home for Christmas, I had a little fit. I do that sometimes. Looking back now I realize I again overreacted. Dec. 25th is just a day. There is nothing sacred about that date. The important thing is that we are all safe and warm and that we will eventually get together to celebrate Jesus's birthday.
Many people had to rearrange their traditions this year. My niece whose husband is stationed in Abilene was expecting him to be home for Christmas Eve with all the Santa presents. He couldn't leave, so they had to postpone Santa's arrival until Christmas night. That took some fast talking.
I've been thinking today about Matt Gardner, a member of my Sunday School class. He is somewhere in the Middle East serving our country. My daughter being stranded completely safe in Stillwater is nothing to that.
Some families are experiencing their first Christmas without a loved one this year. I know from experience that traditions change with each death in the family.
I wonder how old I will be when I learn all the important lessons God wants me to learn through the experiences in my life. Patience, Debbie, Patience. The Fruit of the Spirit that we may ask for, but don't want to "learn".
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Henry Isaacs
Our friend Henry passed away this morning. He stepped out of this world of pain and into a world with no pain, no need for medicine, oxygen, hospitals.
I can't list all the ways our families are connected. His mother-in-law was my baby sitter. We attended church together. I went to school with his kids. His wife worked with my mother. His daughter Patty and wife Deannie were Jason's baby sitters from the time he was a tiny baby until he was 18 month old. His daughter Brenda carpooled with my sisters. His niece is now my closest friend in the world. Way too many connections to let his death go by without acknowledging his role in my life.
Henry and Deannie continued to keep up with Jason throughout his life. Every time I saw them, Henry would ask, "How's our boy?"
This morning he entered heaven. I hope Jason was in the throng of those who met him at the gate. Henry doesn't have to ask the question any longer. He now knows that "our boy" is perfect as Henry is perfect.
I know this holiday season will be a blurr for his family. Phyllis died on Dec.
19th. I truthfully don't remember that Christmas very well. Soon they will be able to fondly remember Henry in his heathy years. My prayer is that the family will find peace in this time of loss.
I can't list all the ways our families are connected. His mother-in-law was my baby sitter. We attended church together. I went to school with his kids. His wife worked with my mother. His daughter Patty and wife Deannie were Jason's baby sitters from the time he was a tiny baby until he was 18 month old. His daughter Brenda carpooled with my sisters. His niece is now my closest friend in the world. Way too many connections to let his death go by without acknowledging his role in my life.
Henry and Deannie continued to keep up with Jason throughout his life. Every time I saw them, Henry would ask, "How's our boy?"
This morning he entered heaven. I hope Jason was in the throng of those who met him at the gate. Henry doesn't have to ask the question any longer. He now knows that "our boy" is perfect as Henry is perfect.
I know this holiday season will be a blurr for his family. Phyllis died on Dec.
19th. I truthfully don't remember that Christmas very well. Soon they will be able to fondly remember Henry in his heathy years. My prayer is that the family will find peace in this time of loss.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Christians with an Attitude. Is that Christlike?
The holiday season brings out the best and worst in all of us. We are stressed, frustrated, confused... One thing a Christ follower shouldn't be is rude. It seems to me that lately we are nitpicking over every statement made by the people we come in contact with. I know that Jesus is the Reason for the Season and that we need to keep Christ in Christmas, but do we have to be so forceful with our opinions. If a store clerk wishes us Happy Holiday instead of Merry Christmas, we may notice it, but we shouldn't be rude to that clerk. The best response is a smile and a Merry Christmas right back.
We are all guilty of not keeping the "reason for the season" in front of us every minute. Can't we give others a break.
We don't live in a part of the country where there are multiple cultures, but some of our huge companies that have stores all over the nation may be based in a more multi-cultural part of the nation, so they may be telling the store managers to tell their clerks to say Happy Holidays.
One thing I am a firm believer of is that we represent Jesus. When I open my mouth, I am speaking as a representative of Jesus. I fall so short, but I must keep in mind that the people whom I come in contact with are expecting me to be Christlike. Jesus was never smart mouthed.
We have to keep in mind that our ultimate goal is for more people to follow Christ. If we are rude, why would a person want to join us as the bride. They wouldn't.
Let's purpose to make every person we come in contact with wonder what makes us so happy and kind. Maybe they will want to meet the God we worship.
We are all guilty of not keeping the "reason for the season" in front of us every minute. Can't we give others a break.
We don't live in a part of the country where there are multiple cultures, but some of our huge companies that have stores all over the nation may be based in a more multi-cultural part of the nation, so they may be telling the store managers to tell their clerks to say Happy Holidays.
One thing I am a firm believer of is that we represent Jesus. When I open my mouth, I am speaking as a representative of Jesus. I fall so short, but I must keep in mind that the people whom I come in contact with are expecting me to be Christlike. Jesus was never smart mouthed.
We have to keep in mind that our ultimate goal is for more people to follow Christ. If we are rude, why would a person want to join us as the bride. They wouldn't.
Let's purpose to make every person we come in contact with wonder what makes us so happy and kind. Maybe they will want to meet the God we worship.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Pictures
We took family pictures today. I know we have had pictures before without Jason in them, but it seemed like a turning point for us today when the four of us were looking at the camera. I was glad to get the picture, but I can't help but be a little sad.
I had a really good day. My brother, sister-in-law, and niece brought puppies down for my nieces' kids and Allison. We went to Aunt Polly's today for the Humphrey gift exchange. It's so good to have the kids together. Cody and Ashley are here from San Diego, so with Kirby and Beth, Allison, and Carson, all the cousins were together. They crack me up because they banter back and forth like they always have.
Allison and I went to Crystal and Brandon's to see the kids with their new puppies. Nothing is cuter than Laney tying bows around their neck, Kiersten carrying poor little Meadow around, and Ashton and Gavin lying on the floor being attacked by puppies. Anthony, bless his heart, is too grown up to play with the other kids. He sits with me on the couch while playing pac man on Allison's phone. He's way too grown up for his own good.
I thought of Jason all day. It's inevitable that someone will call Carson Jason when we are together, and then there's this awkward silence for a few seconds. I love the fact that everyone is willing to bring up his name, the things he loved, the things he did, the things he said. He is still such a presence with us here.
I had a really good day. My brother, sister-in-law, and niece brought puppies down for my nieces' kids and Allison. We went to Aunt Polly's today for the Humphrey gift exchange. It's so good to have the kids together. Cody and Ashley are here from San Diego, so with Kirby and Beth, Allison, and Carson, all the cousins were together. They crack me up because they banter back and forth like they always have.
Allison and I went to Crystal and Brandon's to see the kids with their new puppies. Nothing is cuter than Laney tying bows around their neck, Kiersten carrying poor little Meadow around, and Ashton and Gavin lying on the floor being attacked by puppies. Anthony, bless his heart, is too grown up to play with the other kids. He sits with me on the couch while playing pac man on Allison's phone. He's way too grown up for his own good.
I thought of Jason all day. It's inevitable that someone will call Carson Jason when we are together, and then there's this awkward silence for a few seconds. I love the fact that everyone is willing to bring up his name, the things he loved, the things he did, the things he said. He is still such a presence with us here.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Deep water
Our sermon series this month has been about Diving Deep, going beyond the shallow water in pursuit of a relationship with God. I have learned a great deal about diving, but I've also learned about myself. I have been challenged to dig deeper in Bible study, in prayer, in connection to the Holy Spirit.
I wonder how many times in my Christian walk I have heard and accepted this type of challenge only to let it go after a time. I honestly can say that it has been too many to count.
It's about time for my SS class to choose a new topic of study. I've been reading a book about David, a character in the Bible I can totally relate to. David is described as a man after God's own heart, yet he did some awful things in his life. He is a character through which God can teach us of forgiveness. I love reading the Psalms when David is in despair because I've voiced those same words. I love reading when David is worshiping God through his poetry and song because I've been there too. I wonder how long it would take my SS class to do an in depth study of David. He certainly lived an eventful and exciting life.
I want to dive deep into this study. I want to clearly understand how to have God call me a woman after God's own heart.
I wonder how many times in my Christian walk I have heard and accepted this type of challenge only to let it go after a time. I honestly can say that it has been too many to count.
It's about time for my SS class to choose a new topic of study. I've been reading a book about David, a character in the Bible I can totally relate to. David is described as a man after God's own heart, yet he did some awful things in his life. He is a character through which God can teach us of forgiveness. I love reading the Psalms when David is in despair because I've voiced those same words. I love reading when David is worshiping God through his poetry and song because I've been there too. I wonder how long it would take my SS class to do an in depth study of David. He certainly lived an eventful and exciting life.
I want to dive deep into this study. I want to clearly understand how to have God call me a woman after God's own heart.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
The house is ready for Christmas, but I'm not.
I made a big step this weekend toward getting ready for Christmas. I decorated the house and put up the tree, but I can't seem to get myself in the mood. I'm better than I was last year because I was able to put up the tree myself instead of calling on friends to do it, but every time I go shopping, I just walk around and look at stuff. I don't buy anything. I haven't seen anything out there that shouts, "This would be great for __________."
Tonight I've watched a couple of Christmas movies; I've been listening to Christmas music; I plan to see The Best Little Christmas Pageant Ever next week. I'm trying.
Next weekend I'll go shopping for our Adopt-a-family project. We will buy for about 20 kids. That always makes me feel good.
I hope tomorrow they will sing carols at church. I have to be reminded every minute that everything is never going to be the way I want it to be, but I can still be happy and enjoy my family throughout the holidays. I have to be reminded that others are counting on me to rejoice; many people in this world are hurting in worse ways than I am. I have to be reminded that Jason is in heaven, a real place.
Tonight I've watched a couple of Christmas movies; I've been listening to Christmas music; I plan to see The Best Little Christmas Pageant Ever next week. I'm trying.
Next weekend I'll go shopping for our Adopt-a-family project. We will buy for about 20 kids. That always makes me feel good.
I hope tomorrow they will sing carols at church. I have to be reminded every minute that everything is never going to be the way I want it to be, but I can still be happy and enjoy my family throughout the holidays. I have to be reminded that others are counting on me to rejoice; many people in this world are hurting in worse ways than I am. I have to be reminded that Jason is in heaven, a real place.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Something to think about
We all have difficult people in our lives, co-workers, neighbors, family members, the list goes on. Some of those difficult people are being prayed for by Christian family members. One of the prayers I pray for my unsaved family and friends is for God to place people in their paths that can witness to them. I don't mean verbally sit down and witness to them; I mean live before them like a Christ follower is supposed to live. I think about this often when I am facing a difficult person. They may have a relative or friend praying for ME to be the witness. If they are, God's Holy Spirit may be telling me to behave myself. How do I make sure I know who is observing me? I don't, so I have to treat everyone the way I am supposed to. How do I respond when I have a conflict with a difficult person? If I think about him or her as a soul bound for eternity, it alters my response.
The nucklehead causing problems for you may be the very nucklehead I am praying for; please don't undo the witness I have tried to be to them, and I will behave myself for the nucklehead you are praying for.
The nucklehead causing problems for you may be the very nucklehead I am praying for; please don't undo the witness I have tried to be to them, and I will behave myself for the nucklehead you are praying for.
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