I haven't been blogging lately because I can't come up with anything new to write. My life was forever changed on Sept. 20th last year, and that change has been the first and foremost thing on my mind for almost five months, but what more is there to say about losing my oldest child? Lately, I have been angry at Jason for leaving. I know. Isn't that stupid? Jason loved life, so I don't think he chose to die, but why didn't he take the necessary precautions to keep himself awake on that lonesome highway. Why didn't he leave earlier? Why didn't he call me or someone to keep him awake on the trip back to the ranch? Why didn't he pull over and sleep for a couple of hours? Why? Why? Why?
When I think about the number of late night hours Jason spent on the road since he turned sixteen, I'm amazed this didnt' happen before. Maybe if he had had some close calls or a small wreck earlier, he would have had a healthy respect for the highway. I don't know; I just know that I miss him so much. He would have called today to wish us a Happy Valentines Day. They are getting ready for the annual sale at the ranch, so he would have been busy and working hard. Would have been. I hate those words.
I was told by a health professional that six months is kind of the cut-off point for normal grieving--anything past that may need to be treated. Are you kidding me? No one can be put on a time-table that says when they should feel "normal." I really don't want to medicate myself. It seems to me that taking medication would only be prolonging the inevitable. At some point I have to face reality, right. I've said before that I like to pretend that he is still in Nebraska. I know he isn't, but is it really that bad for me to just pretend.
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2 comments:
Hi Deb, I feel your grief. I've never lost a child, but I have lost both of my parents when I was 35/40 years old and I still miss them very much. They were 59 and 62. I was just getting to know them (as an adult).
I can't believe someone told you 6 months. Sometimes I still miss my parents sooo much I don't think I can stand it. But I do, Yahweh has a way of letting it subside and our life must go on. We have to be here for our family here on earth and you know Jason wouldn't want you to be feeling this way.
I know you've lost several in your family and you know all this, but sometimes it just makes us feel better if we know someones else feels it too. I think of you all and your loss everytime I water the plants you gave us.
If it will make you feel happy for a minute, go to my blog and enter my giveaway. It's over at 6:00 pm tomorrow night.
I don't know who you talked to, but I once heard at a conference that people should allow themselves one month for each year they knew the person (for the grieving process). That is a far cry from 6 months.
Know that you are loved and thought of often. I don't know what I would do without you!
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