March

I'm ready for spring. I get really tired of winter; truthfully I get tired of summer, too. I like living in a place that has all four seasons, but I'm ready for warmth and sunshine, flower beds, long evenings. Next week we start daylight savings time. I'm ready. It always takes me a couple of weeks to get used to the time change, but I like having the daylight after work instead of before work.
Jason's birthday is March 18th. I have a perpetual calendar that I have to change each month. I almost changed it today, but the idea of putting his birthday up bothered me, so I just put it off. Each "first" brings new emotions that shouldn't surprise me. I will be traveling back from snow skiing on his actual birthday which will be good for me but not necessarily good for my family. Tony and Allison will be at home, Carson will be coming back from skiing at a different resort. His grandmother and aunt will be here. I really wish we could manage to all be together to honor Jason the same way we have honored him since his birth. We always have a birthday dinner either at a restaurant or at home. I have a couple of weeks to figure out how to get through that day. I will be with Cindy, Mel, Janna and her kids on the way back from Colorado, so we will do something to honor him. I will do what I always do on my kids' birthdays; I will thank God that He gave this child to me.

Offering Sympathy

Very soon after Jason was killed, a woman who had lost a son four years ago began emailing me. One thing she said that I remember had a great impact on me was, "You will never grieve as much again." The problem is that I have become hardened to others' grief, and I don't want to do that. My heart has been broken before when my parents died, when my sisters died, when my father-in-law died, so I know what loss is, but Jason's death is the lingering pain that won't ease up.
Because of that I read the obituaries differently. When I see the name of a young person whose parents are still living, I feel a personal connection. In reality I am missing the opportunity to be a comfort and witness to others. Loss is real; whether it is a sibling, a parent, a grandparent, a cousin, a spouse--even a pet. I may have to work on squelching my own grief to be a comfort to others. The worst thing I could do is to minimize another person's loss. The fact is we all must face grief at some point, and grief is real. Pray for me that my heart will remain tender to others' pain. The last thing I want to do is hurt a person who if grieving.

Facebook Friendships

Almost immediately after Jason's death, the kids told me about a Facebook page dedicated to his memory. I forgot about it for several months; in January I joined facebook and began making connections with those who had joined the page. I am absolutely amazed by the number of people who have become my friends. Friends from high school, college, work, former students, church friends, Jason's friends that I have never met.
I do have a rule that I won't be friends with my current students. A high school diploma is required. I usually wait for others to request my friendship instead of my requesting because some of Carson and Allison's friends might not want me to know too much about their lives.
What I love most is seeing how great so many of my former students are doing. Some are married, raising children, working at interesting places, involved in great things, and serving God in multiple capacities. Through Facebook the students I had in class together are able to keep in touch which is truly a good thing.
They make me proud.

Blessed Sunday

What does it mean to be blessed? We discussed in my Sunday School class this morning how people respond when asked, "How are you?" Of course, most of us say "fine" because that is the accepted, expected response. Lately I haven't been able to say that; my response for the last five months has been "I'm OK" because that is what I am. I'm OK. Today one man said that he knew someone who always said, "I'm blessed." I'm not ready to respond that way yet, but I'm going to work on it.
I'm blessed to have a husband whom I love and can count on.
I'm blessed to have had three wonderful, healthy children.
I'm blessed to have had Jason for thirty-three years; I know people who have lost their children during their childhood. Even though I wasn't ready to let him go, he was an adult and provided us with 33 years of joy.
I'm blessed to have been raised by loving parents and to have had a good relationship with them always.
I'm blessed to have had the siblings I had. When I hear my friends talk about awkward relationships with their brothers and sisters, I realize how blessed I was. My two sisters are in heaven already, and I have no regrets. We just didn't fight.
I'm blessed to have the nieces and nephews that I have; we have so much fun when we are together.
I'm blessed to have had a Godly mother who equipped me for the life I have had to live. If she had been made of weaker stuff, she wouldn't have been able to pass on her faith to me that has allowed me to maintain my faith in God even in the face of unspeakable tragedy.
I'm blessed to have married into a good family.
I've been blessed to work at Tecumseh High with some of the most incredible people I have ever known.
I've been blessed to be taught the truths of God's word by many pastors who have dedicated their lives to their ministries.
I am blessed to have a Sunday School class full of fun, kind, people who make every class enjoyable.

Faith

C. S. Lewis--Now Faith, in the sense in which I am here using the word, is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods. For moods will change, whatever view your reason takes. I know that by experience. Now that I am a Christian I do have moods in which the whole thing looks very improbable; but when I was an atheiest I had moods in which Christianity looked terribly probable. This rebellion of your moods against your real self is going to come anyway. That is why Faith is such a necessary virtue; unless you teach your moods 'where they get off', you can never be either a sound Christian or even a sound atheist, but just a creature dithering to and fro, with its beliefs really dependent on the weather and the state of its digestion. Consequently one must train the habit of faith.
The first step is to recognize the fact that your moods change. The next is to make sure that, if you have once accepted Christianity, then some of its main doctrines shall be deliberately held before your mind for some time every day.

I like to read--what a blessing--I enjoy reading scripture, reading about scripture, reading testimonies from Christians. That has made it easier for me to remain strong in my faith even in loss. If I didn't read, I might not realize that Christians are not immune to suffering and loss and doubt. I feel sorry for people who are trying to, as CS Lewis says, "train the habit of faith" just by attending church on Sunday. I like to begin each day with an email from Purpose Driven Life. It is scripture based devotional with commentary by Christian writer.
That morning devotional does not take the place of Bible study, but it does start my day with the right mindset. I am reminded that I am a part of something HUGE.

The fact that I am reading that CS Lewis occasionally thought Christianity looked improbable releives my concern when those thoughts of doubt enter my mind.
As I look back on my life, I have many regrets, but the one that bothers me the most is that I haven't always spent the amount of time studying scripture that I should have.
I relied on Sunday School and church to teach my children. I should have been just as diligent about making sure they learned God's word as I was about making sure they learned the academic skills for school.

Acting as if...

I'm reading C. S. Lewis's book Mere Christianity, again. I've started it several times, but recently my pastor told us to read it, so I've been working my way through it for several weeks. It is not the kind of book I can read quickly. I read a chapter, put it down and think about it for a couple of days, then read another chapter, and so on.
Several times in his book, he tells Christians to act as if... If we don't feel charitible, we should act as if we do. If we don't feel forgiving toward someone, we should act as if we do. If we don't have the faith that we should have, we should act as if we do. At first glance this seems so fake to me. I want to be real with people, but being real is not always a good witness. My real self isn't always Christlike, so I have to fake it until I make it.
What is truly amazing to me is that if I fake it long enough, I begin to see a change in my attitude. I begin genuinely feeling the forgiveness or the charity toward others. C. S Lewis is right; we are flawed humans with flawed emotions, but we can fight that sin nature with God's help. Admitting that we have this nature is step one.
I'm putting his suggestion to the test. Right now I don't feel happy, so I'm faking it. I know that Jason wouldn't want me to be sad all the time, so I put my grief away each day. I still have my moments, usually in the evening, when something reminds me of my loss, but the moments are getting shorter and less painful.
Last night I had my first dream about Jason. He came to visit us with a precious little gray and white puppy (aren't dreams weird?). The dream didn't make me sad; it was like he had visited us for a couple of hours. Nothing significant happened--just a visit--but it was my Jason very much like he was that last year he was here with us. I've been waiting for that dream.

Lost my inspiration.

I haven't been blogging lately because I can't come up with anything new to write. My life was forever changed on Sept. 20th last year, and that change has been the first and foremost thing on my mind for almost five months, but what more is there to say about losing my oldest child? Lately, I have been angry at Jason for leaving. I know. Isn't that stupid? Jason loved life, so I don't think he chose to die, but why didn't he take the necessary precautions to keep himself awake on that lonesome highway. Why didn't he leave earlier? Why didn't he call me or someone to keep him awake on the trip back to the ranch? Why didn't he pull over and sleep for a couple of hours? Why? Why? Why?
When I think about the number of late night hours Jason spent on the road since he turned sixteen, I'm amazed this didnt' happen before. Maybe if he had had some close calls or a small wreck earlier, he would have had a healthy respect for the highway. I don't know; I just know that I miss him so much. He would have called today to wish us a Happy Valentines Day. They are getting ready for the annual sale at the ranch, so he would have been busy and working hard. Would have been. I hate those words.
I was told by a health professional that six months is kind of the cut-off point for normal grieving--anything past that may need to be treated. Are you kidding me? No one can be put on a time-table that says when they should feel "normal." I really don't want to medicate myself. It seems to me that taking medication would only be prolonging the inevitable. At some point I have to face reality, right. I've said before that I like to pretend that he is still in Nebraska. I know he isn't, but is it really that bad for me to just pretend.

Running

Today our preacher's message was about Running from God. I related so very well to his story of Jonah. I ran from God for many years, and I hurt my mother so much in the process. My teen years were spent in complete rebellion against the values that my mother tried to instill in me. I am so envious when I hear someone give a testimony that honors God from the time of their salvation onward. On the other hand, I have something that they don't have. I have the knowledge that God kept chasing me all the time I was running. I have the assurance that all the time I was ignoring Him, He wasn't ignoring me. I vividly remember feeling conviction in the strangest places at the oddest times.
He kept placing people in my path until I finally listened to Him. I do live with regret that I probably need to let go of, but that regret gives me compassion that some Christians don't have. If I forget where I've been, I may become self-righteous. If I forget how far I strayed from God, I may give up on people who are living in rebellion. If I forget how steadfast my mother was all during those years, I may feel hopeless about the people I am praying for.
I continue to live with the consequences of my rebellion. Like my pastor, I think about the influence I could have been if I had been a witness to my friends during my teen years. I was a fool. I hope the consequences are not eternal.

Too tired to think

This week has been a trying one. Tony's Aunt Polly has returned to her home after a month in the hospital and rehab, so we have spent every evening getting her house ready for her and taking turns staying with her in the evenings. I have not written in this blog because my brain is mush by the time I get home.
There is a very good reason I am not a nurse. Getting medicines in order, breathing treatments, scheduling home health, preparing heart healthy meals--I get so stressed. I work hard all day long teaching school, but if I make a mistake, I don't do physical harm to someone.
I'm thankful for all of the people who have been taking care of her while she has been in the hospital. They truly have a calling. Now it is up to us to help her get better. I hope we're up to the task.

Revelation and Genesis

We have been talking about heaven in Sunday School and church for the past couple of weeks. Maybe because I just made a significant deposit in heaven, the subject is more interesting to me than ever before. It is difficult for me to imagine a place that is not cursed as this world is, but I am enjoying the images that have been running through my mind. Today we (maybe I) decided that heaven might be like Mayberry with gadgets. I like the modern technology that is available to us--computers, satellite television, cell phones, etc., but I long for a simpler, safer world.
We read a little passage from Billy Graham's book called Death and the Life After that tells us what will not be in heaven. No denominations-divisions were made by man not God; no need for secondhand knowledge because our spiritual intelligence will be perfected- we won't look to writers or commentators for inspiration; no fear-we won't need alarm systems or locks; no night-everything will be out in the open; but most importantly, no suffering or death. Now that is something I can hold on to. I live with the knowledge that I have lost some of the most important people in my life to death and that I may lose others, but I have the assurance that the people I have lost were believers, so I will see them again.
I read this comparison many years ago in Halley's Bible Handbook, so this week I pulled it out to share with my class. If anyone has any doubt that The Bible is just a collection of old writings and not the inspired Word of God, read this.

The first word in Genesis:
"In the beginning God created the Heaven and Earth" Genesis 1:1

Almost the last word in Revelation:
"I saw a New Heaven and a New Earth" Revelation 21:1

"The gathering together of waters He called the Sea" Genesis 1:10
"And the sea is no more." Revelation 21:1

"The Darkness He called Night" Genesis 1:5
"There shall be No Night there" Revelation 21:25

"God made the Two Great Lights" (Sun and Moon) Genesis 1:16
"The city has No Need of the Sun nor the Moon" Revelation 21:23

"In the day you eat thereof you shall surely Die" Genesis 2:17
"Death shall be No More" Revelation 21:4

"I wll greatly multiply your Pain" Genesis 3:16
"Neither shall there be Pain any more" Revelation 21:4

"Cursed is the ground for your sake" Genesis 3:17
"There shall be No More Curse" Revelation 22:3

Satan appears as deceiver of mankind. Genesis 3:1,4
Satan disappears forever. Revelation 20:10

They were driven from the Tree of Life. Genesis 3:22-24
The Tree of Life re-appears. Revelation 22:2

They were driven from God's presence. Genesis 3:24
"They shall See His Face." Revelation 22:4

Man's primeval home was by a River. Genesis 2:10
Man's Eternal Home will be beside a River. Revelation 22:1

The approximate dates of the Bible that are accepted by most scholars begins in
2500 BC and ends in 100 AD, yet the continuity is evident.