Today is the 15th anniversary of the Oklahoma City Bombing. Just as with all other huge events that we all remember where we were, I was in school.
I was in 3rd grade when Kennedy was assassinated.
I was teaching when the Challenger blew up.
I was teaching when my friend Patty was killed in the Edmond Post Office massacre.
I was teaching when the Murrah Building was bombed.
I was teaching on 9/11.
I'm telling you there is no worse place to be when a tragedy happens. Teenagers are highly emotional or unemotional. Some are overly sensitive and take on the tragedy as though they were victims themselves, or they act like jerks because they don't know what to do with their emotions.
Teachers cry. We try not to; we try to keep it together, but we can't. Watching footage of a building that has been blown up and not knowing how something like this could happen in America brings tears that can't be held back.
I remember so well getting a call from Teresa who told me that Anna Marie's sister, Jamie, worked in the Federal Credit Union and had not been heard from. I had already thought of Jamie because I knew that she worked in a credit union, but I never dreamed she worked in that one. Her body was recovered 21 days later--an eternity to the family.
Today I thought of her kids. Kyle was an 8th grader; Krista, a fifth grader. They were robbed that day of a young beautiful mom who loved them to distraction.
I thought of Anna Marie. She has children that never got to meet Aunt Jamie, how sad. I thought of Jamie's parents and her other siblings. I know that pain. I can't really imagine that 15 years is going to change the grief much. I know the family has had good times since Jamie's death, but I also know that every big event has a pall over it. Proms, graduations, weddings, births, among others have all happened without her. Because Allison was the same age as Kyle, I always thought of him when we were having our milestone events.
I watched a news report tonight about Timothy McVeigh, the OKC bomber. He showed absolutely no remorse all the way to his death. From all accounts he was a fairly normal child, claimed he was bullied by jocks in high school, went to the military and became a monster.
I think it was Tom Brokaw that said of the bomber. The worst thing that could happen to him is to develop a conscience; I don't think it ever happened.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Easter
Easter Sunday is special. It's not special because of eggs, bunnies, or chocolate; it's not special because of ham, potatoes, or deviled eggs. It's special because it commemorates the most important event in Christian history. Jesus is alive!!!
Without the resurrection, Jesus is just like the other prophets. Without the resurrection, we are all doomed.
Church was packed this morning, and all the elements of the service were excellent. The music was incredible, the baptism videos and baptisms were inspiring, and as always, Jimmy's sermon was just what a message from God should be. A new addition to the service was a video from a brave young lady who shared her testimony with the church. She exhibited such courage. Most of us are not brave enough to bare our souls on a video that will be played in front of two people much less 500 people, but this brave young lady exposed herself to the congregation with one thought in mind--maybe my story will help someone who has traveled a similar road. If you don't attend Harrah Church, you can watch the service and video on harrahchurch.com.
This afternoon Allison and Carson, Gigi and Aunt Polly came out for dinner, but Tony and I cooked the entire meal. It's sad when Aunt Polly can't contribute to the meal; she's just not up to it right now. I know the kids were disappointed that there were no dumplings or macaroni and cheese. When someone has a speciality, it just doesn't work for someone else to bring it. The ladies left very soon after the meal, Carson went fishing, and Tony, Allison and I napped on and off, and I read while Tony watched basketball, golf, horseracing. You know how you can hear what's on television while you are napping. I'm going to just say that golf is the only sport that allows a good nap. The announcers whisper and let you sleep. The call of the horse race is the most annoying. Any kind of ballgame is in between, so my nap was strange. I would sleep and dream for a few minutes and then wake up and read a chapter, and then fall back asleep. I'm not sure what this means for tonight, but I'll take a Tylenol PM just in case.
This is much different from the Easters from earlier years. No egg hunt, no frilly dresses, the Easter bunny bought Carson a tank of gas and gave Allison some t-shirts.
He still bought some candy and colored some eggs, more for me than for anyone else.
Janna called this afternoon and told me that she had her mom's videos put on DVD. The first one Fred tried to watch was of Easter at my mom and dad's when Evan and Carson were little. Phyllis was taping, Jason was hiding eggs, mom and dad were watching, and Carson and Evan were hunting eggs. Only Carson and Evan are still living. I doubt I'll ever be able to watch that tape; I may not be able to watch any of them. I have the memories vividly stored in my mind.
I have to return to the beginning of this post. Easter is special; without Easter morning--my sorrow would be overwhelming-hopeless, but with Easter morning, I can rest assured that this life is just a few years. I'll see them all again.
Without the resurrection, Jesus is just like the other prophets. Without the resurrection, we are all doomed.
Church was packed this morning, and all the elements of the service were excellent. The music was incredible, the baptism videos and baptisms were inspiring, and as always, Jimmy's sermon was just what a message from God should be. A new addition to the service was a video from a brave young lady who shared her testimony with the church. She exhibited such courage. Most of us are not brave enough to bare our souls on a video that will be played in front of two people much less 500 people, but this brave young lady exposed herself to the congregation with one thought in mind--maybe my story will help someone who has traveled a similar road. If you don't attend Harrah Church, you can watch the service and video on harrahchurch.com.
This afternoon Allison and Carson, Gigi and Aunt Polly came out for dinner, but Tony and I cooked the entire meal. It's sad when Aunt Polly can't contribute to the meal; she's just not up to it right now. I know the kids were disappointed that there were no dumplings or macaroni and cheese. When someone has a speciality, it just doesn't work for someone else to bring it. The ladies left very soon after the meal, Carson went fishing, and Tony, Allison and I napped on and off, and I read while Tony watched basketball, golf, horseracing. You know how you can hear what's on television while you are napping. I'm going to just say that golf is the only sport that allows a good nap. The announcers whisper and let you sleep. The call of the horse race is the most annoying. Any kind of ballgame is in between, so my nap was strange. I would sleep and dream for a few minutes and then wake up and read a chapter, and then fall back asleep. I'm not sure what this means for tonight, but I'll take a Tylenol PM just in case.
This is much different from the Easters from earlier years. No egg hunt, no frilly dresses, the Easter bunny bought Carson a tank of gas and gave Allison some t-shirts.
He still bought some candy and colored some eggs, more for me than for anyone else.
Janna called this afternoon and told me that she had her mom's videos put on DVD. The first one Fred tried to watch was of Easter at my mom and dad's when Evan and Carson were little. Phyllis was taping, Jason was hiding eggs, mom and dad were watching, and Carson and Evan were hunting eggs. Only Carson and Evan are still living. I doubt I'll ever be able to watch that tape; I may not be able to watch any of them. I have the memories vividly stored in my mind.
I have to return to the beginning of this post. Easter is special; without Easter morning--my sorrow would be overwhelming-hopeless, but with Easter morning, I can rest assured that this life is just a few years. I'll see them all again.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Deer
Carson hit a deer last night and did some real damage to his truck. It seems to me that almost everyone I talk to has had an experience with a deer on the road. They are everywhere.
Now we have to go through the hassle of insurance, rental vehicle, cancelation, rates rising, blah, blah, blah. The funny thing is that it is more troubling to him than it is to his dad and me. I'm not saying it doesn't worry us because we have a high deductible, but we have learned what is important, and it is not money. Carson is safe; his truck can be fixed; that's all that concerns us.
That doesn't mean I slept well last night. My mind was racing through "worst case scenerios." What happens if his truck can't be fixed? What if they cancel us? What if they raise our rates? What if? What if? Those words aren't very comforting. My human fears and worries overtake me sometimes. This week I'll have to search scripture for the words that bring peace.
I have done what I can at this point. I have talked to the insurance company, given them permission to talk to Carson personally and assured him that all will be well. The rest is out of my hands. The rest is out of my hands. The rest is out of my hands.
Now we have to go through the hassle of insurance, rental vehicle, cancelation, rates rising, blah, blah, blah. The funny thing is that it is more troubling to him than it is to his dad and me. I'm not saying it doesn't worry us because we have a high deductible, but we have learned what is important, and it is not money. Carson is safe; his truck can be fixed; that's all that concerns us.
That doesn't mean I slept well last night. My mind was racing through "worst case scenerios." What happens if his truck can't be fixed? What if they cancel us? What if they raise our rates? What if? What if? Those words aren't very comforting. My human fears and worries overtake me sometimes. This week I'll have to search scripture for the words that bring peace.
I have done what I can at this point. I have talked to the insurance company, given them permission to talk to Carson personally and assured him that all will be well. The rest is out of my hands. The rest is out of my hands. The rest is out of my hands.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Gripe, gripe, gripe
We are a gripping generation. We gripe about everything. Today my gripe is over a stupid prescription that costs $120. a month to lower blood pressure. Paying that much made my blood pressure rise to a dangerous level. The first prescription I tried did not lower my bp; the second one made me cough; this one makes me gripe. I know, I should be thankful that there is a drug that will work for me; I know, I should be thankful that I have $120. a month to spend on medicine. I have no idea which side of the healthcare debate I'm on because I haven't read the bill, but something needs to be changed.
I've brought this up a few times in the last twenty-four hours and heard a story from my friend whose dad takes a $400/mo. prescription and four moms who are unable to afford the medication prescribed for their children for chronic allergies because the prescription would be $200/mo. Now these moms are not out-of-work, down-on-their-luck single moms who are struggling to raise their children. These people are college graduates, married, two-income households who have health insurance. These prices are after insurance has paid. One of them said that although her son had tried multiple over-the-counter allergy medicines, he was still suffering from seasonal allergies, so his doctor prescribed something that would work. The insurance company that this family pays $600./month to for their two sons' coverage denied the claim because "over-the-counter" meds are available for treatment. As she said, they've never seen her son, they're based in Chicago; however, they override the physician who has seen him. Jason and Carson both suffered from seasonal allergies. It's so difficult to watch your kid go off to school knowing that they were going to be miserable all day with allergy symptoms.
OK, I've done my griping; do you think my blood pressure is back to normal?
I've brought this up a few times in the last twenty-four hours and heard a story from my friend whose dad takes a $400/mo. prescription and four moms who are unable to afford the medication prescribed for their children for chronic allergies because the prescription would be $200/mo. Now these moms are not out-of-work, down-on-their-luck single moms who are struggling to raise their children. These people are college graduates, married, two-income households who have health insurance. These prices are after insurance has paid. One of them said that although her son had tried multiple over-the-counter allergy medicines, he was still suffering from seasonal allergies, so his doctor prescribed something that would work. The insurance company that this family pays $600./month to for their two sons' coverage denied the claim because "over-the-counter" meds are available for treatment. As she said, they've never seen her son, they're based in Chicago; however, they override the physician who has seen him. Jason and Carson both suffered from seasonal allergies. It's so difficult to watch your kid go off to school knowing that they were going to be miserable all day with allergy symptoms.
OK, I've done my griping; do you think my blood pressure is back to normal?
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Would have been
Today would have been Jason's 35th birthday. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I hate those words...would have been...should have been...he wasn't supposed to leave so soon.
I slept well last night which is rare for me. Since I had traveled home from skiing all day yesterday, I was pretty tired. I guess I need to completely exhaust myself so that I can sleep through the night. Tony and I went to Norman, had a wonderful lunch at Saltgrass, stopped in at Walmart to get fishing lures. Then I came home and got flowers ready for the cemetery. I'm keeping orange flowers out there all the time except at Christmas. Someday some OSU student of horticulture will create an orange poinsettia and then the silk flower makers will provide them so that I can keep orange out there year round.
Tony went fishing while I went to the cemetery. We handle things completely differently; I really get that. I came home and worked in my flower beds to get them ready for April. I just heard on the weather that we're going to get a huge snow this weekend. It's funny; I love snow on a mountain, but we've had plenty this year. I'm ready for spring, real spring. Tony blamed the fact that the ponds were too full on his not catching fish earlier. That's a first.
Tomorrow Carson and Nick are coming out to fish, watch OSU basketball, and of course, eat dinner with us. That will be a perfect end to a nice break from school. Monday we start that final eight weeks of school. These weeks go so fast because of end-of-instruction testing, research papers, and all the spring activities.
This has been a rambling post, but that's the way my mind is working today. Every thought is of Jason. He was such a blessing to me from 35 years ago today to the very end.
I slept well last night which is rare for me. Since I had traveled home from skiing all day yesterday, I was pretty tired. I guess I need to completely exhaust myself so that I can sleep through the night. Tony and I went to Norman, had a wonderful lunch at Saltgrass, stopped in at Walmart to get fishing lures. Then I came home and got flowers ready for the cemetery. I'm keeping orange flowers out there all the time except at Christmas. Someday some OSU student of horticulture will create an orange poinsettia and then the silk flower makers will provide them so that I can keep orange out there year round.
Tony went fishing while I went to the cemetery. We handle things completely differently; I really get that. I came home and worked in my flower beds to get them ready for April. I just heard on the weather that we're going to get a huge snow this weekend. It's funny; I love snow on a mountain, but we've had plenty this year. I'm ready for spring, real spring. Tony blamed the fact that the ponds were too full on his not catching fish earlier. That's a first.
Tomorrow Carson and Nick are coming out to fish, watch OSU basketball, and of course, eat dinner with us. That will be a perfect end to a nice break from school. Monday we start that final eight weeks of school. These weeks go so fast because of end-of-instruction testing, research papers, and all the spring activities.
This has been a rambling post, but that's the way my mind is working today. Every thought is of Jason. He was such a blessing to me from 35 years ago today to the very end.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Tiffany's service
I went to another funeral today for a young person whose life ended too soon from our earthly perspective. We think that three score and ten is promised, but not all of us get that. Some of us take seventy years to make the impact that Tiffany made on this earth, but some, like Tiffany, figure out what's important early. Does God give an extra dose of wisdom to those whose life He knows will only be a few years? I don't know, but I do know this. If my life had ended at age 20, I wouldn't have left the legacy that Tiffany left. "She was always happy." "She was always smiling." "She loved everyone." "Everyone loved her." "She honored God with her life." Over and over these statements have been made this week. It is so obvious that the statements were true by the huge crowd at the service, the loving tributes made by her family and friends, her own testimony on video. Everything we witnessed today revealed a life that honored God.
I remember the peace I felt after Jason's service. My nephew spoke and told some really funny stories about Jason's childhood. The music was perfect. Jimmy's sermon ministered to us and gave us a picure of heaven that I've carried with me for almost eighteen months. The huge crowd embraced us; people we knew and people we'd never met came together for one common purpose. They loved and wanted to honor Jason's life.
I told Tiffany's family Wednesday night that I wasn't sure how long it takes to make the grief lessen, but I realized today that I'm farther along than I thought. This is what I now know that I didn't know before Sept 20, 2008.
-I know what a tragedy is--it's not losing a ballgame, being short of money, dealing with expensive car repairs, losing a job, making a bad grade, having a kid in trouble--I have seriously overreacted to these very things in my life.
-I know how much I love my family-this really should have been a given because I have always loved them to distraction, but I now know that my family has priority over all.
-I know that length of years really means nothing. My dad used to say, "I have to go to people's funerals so they'll come to mine." It always caused a groan, but seriously, a large funeral usually means a life cut short. If you live to be old, you outlive your friends and family, but if you die young...well, Jason's service and Tiffany's are examples of the kind of funeral a young person gets--standing room only. Tiffany got twenty years; Jason got thirty-three; both impacted a huge number of people by their life and more by their death.
-I know the power of prayer. Prior to Jason's death I thought I was not strong enough to survive if one of my children died. I am not strong enough, but through the prayers of my friends and family, God strengthened me.
I hope I've learned what I'm supposed to have learned. I pray that my eyes will continue to focus on what is important and Who is important. I pray that I can use the lessons I've learned to enlighten others.
I remember the peace I felt after Jason's service. My nephew spoke and told some really funny stories about Jason's childhood. The music was perfect. Jimmy's sermon ministered to us and gave us a picure of heaven that I've carried with me for almost eighteen months. The huge crowd embraced us; people we knew and people we'd never met came together for one common purpose. They loved and wanted to honor Jason's life.
I told Tiffany's family Wednesday night that I wasn't sure how long it takes to make the grief lessen, but I realized today that I'm farther along than I thought. This is what I now know that I didn't know before Sept 20, 2008.
-I know what a tragedy is--it's not losing a ballgame, being short of money, dealing with expensive car repairs, losing a job, making a bad grade, having a kid in trouble--I have seriously overreacted to these very things in my life.
-I know how much I love my family-this really should have been a given because I have always loved them to distraction, but I now know that my family has priority over all.
-I know that length of years really means nothing. My dad used to say, "I have to go to people's funerals so they'll come to mine." It always caused a groan, but seriously, a large funeral usually means a life cut short. If you live to be old, you outlive your friends and family, but if you die young...well, Jason's service and Tiffany's are examples of the kind of funeral a young person gets--standing room only. Tiffany got twenty years; Jason got thirty-three; both impacted a huge number of people by their life and more by their death.
-I know the power of prayer. Prior to Jason's death I thought I was not strong enough to survive if one of my children died. I am not strong enough, but through the prayers of my friends and family, God strengthened me.
I hope I've learned what I'm supposed to have learned. I pray that my eyes will continue to focus on what is important and Who is important. I pray that I can use the lessons I've learned to enlighten others.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
March
March will never be the same for me again. Every mother understands that the month her child was born is very special from the first day of the month to the end. Jason's birthday was always during Spring Break, so we celebrated for several days. Next week would have been Jason's 35th birthday. He was truly bothered by getting older. I used to laugh at him because he did not want to turn 30, or 31, or 32...
He told me many times that he didn't want any more birthdays after 30. Now he remains forever 33, a perfect age if you ask me. Last year I was traveling back from skiing on his birthday. This year we will get home the day before, so Tony and I will somehow honor his day. I'll take spring flowers to the cemetery; we'll probably go out to dinner that evening, and we'll surely cry a few tears. Is this year easier than last? Not yet.
Monday of this week Tiffany Fowler Tiffin was killed in a horrible automobile accident. She was only twenty years old. That's just not enough time on this earth for most people, but it seems to have been enough for Tiffany. Her life was lived to honor God. She was a great witness to all of her friends.
I've been reading the facebook page set up in her honor. Tiffany's short life reached so many people. She was a wonderful Christian example to her peers. I'm awed by the number of people who have posted their admiration for her because she lived her faith. What a legacy to leave behind at such a young age.
I went by to see her family this evening. Her sweet husband is heartbroken as I expected; her parents and brother are devastated as I expected; her in-laws are broken as I expected. What I didn't expect was for them to all reach out to me. Her mother thanked me for coming because she knew that this had brought all memories of Jason fresh to the surface. I've heard this several times this week. It's an awkward possition for me. Our faculty is grieving Tiffany's death, but so many of my colleagues are checking on me, asking me how I'm doing. I guess I wasn't prepared for this.
I must admit that tears have been right behind my eyes during class since Tuesday, but I'm assuming that all of our staff who knew and loved Tiffany and her husband Jake have experienced the same feelings I have.
I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I work with. They take care of me even though I don't know I need to be taken care of.
Live it up forever, Tiffany Fowler Tiffin. If we thought you were a bright spot here on earth, imagine what a joy you are in heaven.
He told me many times that he didn't want any more birthdays after 30. Now he remains forever 33, a perfect age if you ask me. Last year I was traveling back from skiing on his birthday. This year we will get home the day before, so Tony and I will somehow honor his day. I'll take spring flowers to the cemetery; we'll probably go out to dinner that evening, and we'll surely cry a few tears. Is this year easier than last? Not yet.
Monday of this week Tiffany Fowler Tiffin was killed in a horrible automobile accident. She was only twenty years old. That's just not enough time on this earth for most people, but it seems to have been enough for Tiffany. Her life was lived to honor God. She was a great witness to all of her friends.
I've been reading the facebook page set up in her honor. Tiffany's short life reached so many people. She was a wonderful Christian example to her peers. I'm awed by the number of people who have posted their admiration for her because she lived her faith. What a legacy to leave behind at such a young age.
I went by to see her family this evening. Her sweet husband is heartbroken as I expected; her parents and brother are devastated as I expected; her in-laws are broken as I expected. What I didn't expect was for them to all reach out to me. Her mother thanked me for coming because she knew that this had brought all memories of Jason fresh to the surface. I've heard this several times this week. It's an awkward possition for me. Our faculty is grieving Tiffany's death, but so many of my colleagues are checking on me, asking me how I'm doing. I guess I wasn't prepared for this.
I must admit that tears have been right behind my eyes during class since Tuesday, but I'm assuming that all of our staff who knew and loved Tiffany and her husband Jake have experienced the same feelings I have.
I am so blessed to have the people in my life that I work with. They take care of me even though I don't know I need to be taken care of.
Live it up forever, Tiffany Fowler Tiffin. If we thought you were a bright spot here on earth, imagine what a joy you are in heaven.
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