I miss my boy. I know; he's been a man for many years, but tonight I'm missing that boy that called to see how things were, that never missed an opportunity to make me smile, that took his responsibility as oldest child seriously.
It's been four years ago today that I last talked to Jason. He called on his way to play golf. We didn't talk long, something I still wish I could change. Tony and I were out walking when he called, so we just caught up for a minute. Then we hung up.
The sound of his voice hasn't left me, maybe because Carson sounds more and more like him as he gets older. The memory of his face hasn't left me. I see the way he looked as a baby, as a toddler, as a kid, as a teenager, as a man. Even if I never looked at another picture of him; his image if forever etched in my mind.
I remember how he looked before the scar, before the freckles. I remember him in the best and worst days of his life. He was such a happy kid, but he was just Humphrey enough that you couldn't always tell that. He had that serious, businesslike face that didn't always reveal that what he was doing was fun for him. I especially remember that when he was competing on a cutting horse. The first picture we have of him when he was competing was so cute. He was all smiles, and the turnback guys were all smiles too. I always wished he would continue to smile like that when riding, but he didn't. Instead, he got that "down to business" expression on his face and went to work. It was only after the scores were announced that you witnessed any emotion. A high score meant he was going to pat Sally and later Charlie and give credit to the horse. I saw him win, and I saw him lose. Not much difference.
There was one place that Jason exhibited emotion--Gallagher Iba and Boone Pickens stadium. Those two places saw him laugh, smile, scream, you name it. I think I miss him most on game days. If his Cowboys played a good game, he could discuss it for hours. If they played poorly, well he could talk about that too. One thing never changed though. He was the orangest person I've ever known, and he left that legacy to Allison and Carson. Faithful and true....they truly are.
Four years is a long time.