Memory lane.

I finished decorating my house for Christmas today. I put up some decorations before Thanksgiving and finished today. My Christmas ornaments took me down memory lane. Three years ago, I couldn't even decorate my tree. My friends Toni and Mel came over and did it for me. It's taken three years for me to be able to decorate it without crying, so I'm feeling really proud of myself today.
I collect ornaments, mostly Hallmark, but I have many, many that have been accumulated in a life of 57 years.
My oldest ornaments are from my childhood. There was a box of ornaments in my Mom's attic that she quit using. I latched on to them because I just couldn't stand to see them thrown out. I'm so glad I did. They are a little faded, and because Mom always sprayed her tree with that canned snow stuff, they have some marks on them, but I love them.
I started buying ornaments for Jason in 1977 when we moved to Wellston. There are three little elves and an ornament hanger that I bought for him at Terry's Drug.
Then I have all the homemade ornaments. The little ceramic ones made by Granny Violet for the kids, the plastic canvas ones made by my mom, the crafts Linda made that made us laugh and laugh. My sister Linda was almost blind, but she continued to make crafts at Christmas. Her ornaments were always so funny. One has a deer glued into an acorn shell, but the deer is facing backward. God love her; she never gave up.
I have some really sweet ones that were given to my kids as gifts. Allison's first Christmas ornaments came from relatives in Texas and Tony's cousin Jim who lived in Germany at the time. The Texans sent a Dumbo and Goofy for Jason and a "Baby's First Christmas" ball for Allison, and the ones from Jim are a little tiny baby in a cradle, a rocking horse, and a teddy bear. The year Carson was born, my friend Teresa Smith made a set of ornaments for the kids with their picture in it.
When Allison was two I started buying Hallmark ornaments-one for each member of the family. I don't buy them until after Christmas, and I try to get something that will reflect something in that year for each kid. Mine and Tony's are the series ones. Football players, basketball players, baseball players, cowboys and cowgirls, cheerleaders, golfers, skiers--do you see a trend here? Since we have had Lucy, I have bought a dog ornament for her, so we now have twelve of those. Add that up. 29 x 4, plus 24 x 1 plus 12 x 1. I don't want to know how much I have spent at Hallmark the day after Christmas. I have several OSU ornaments that were either gifts or that I purchased myself. I also have some gifts that make me think of a person who was in my life for a season, former students, friends I don't see much any more, colleagues. I wonder if I will always remember who these things come from. Right now I do.
I buy an ornament when I travel. This year I added a moose from Durango and a guitar from Graceland. My most expensive ornaments are a recent collection. I have about five White House ornaments. They are absolutely beautiful and worth the splurge.
I have three brass snowflakes that Cooper's Funeral Home gives to the families who have lost a loved one the previous year. I hope I don't get any more of those for a while. I have Mom's, Dad's, and Jason's. I have two of the "I'm spending Christmas in Heaven this Year" ornaments given to me the year Jason died, and a beautiful hand-painted horse and rider that one of Jason's friends sent to me that year. I made some Pray-for-Us ornaments with Jason's picture in a clear ball that I gave to his friends so that they would always remember us at Christmas time.
My tree is full, probably too full, but I just can't make myself get a second tree. I also can't make myself give the ornaments to the kids. That was the original intention. I'm so glad I didn't give Jason's to him. If I had, there's no telling where they would have ended up. Sorry, Allison and Carson. These are staying at my house. I'll eventually have to divide them up, but it won't be for many, many years.

Online Church

Several years ago a young preacher told us that the next generation of believers would be doing church "online." I hated that idea then, and I still hate it today because I believe strongly in the relationships that "real" church provides. Last week a friend told me of a sermon to listen to called "Disappointed in Jesus," so I listened to that sermon; then I saw that the same minister had a series of five sermons on heaven, so I listen to those; then I saw a couple of other titles that intrigued me, so I listened to those. Don't get me wrong, they do not take the place of "real church" for me, and the relationships that I have with the people in my Sunday School class are vital to my well-being, but I really like having these sermons available to me when I'm having trouble sleeping or when I wake up way too early to start my day or when I'm sitting watching television and realize that the subject matter of the program is really inappropriate for a believer. That's happening more and more lately; I'm not sure if the programming is worse or if I'm getting more sensitive to the garbage that the networks are doling out. This week I've listened to nine sermons when I count the one I heard at church this morning. That's pretty neat especially because I was able to pick and choose the topics that interested me.
The website is gatewaypeople.com, and the minister's name is Brady Boyd. I think I'll start with the b's and just work my way through these folks first. I loved the five sermons on heaven because he would take a verse that reveals something about heaven and use that little nugget to teach a truth that gave peace to my heart. There are as many of my immediate family in heaven as there are here on earth, so heaven is of great interest to me. He did not read one scripture that I have not already read in those sermons, but he opened my mind with his take on what the scriptures tell us about heaven. I'm going to have to eat some words about how awful I thought online church would be. What I love most is that the internet can be used for such harmful, awful things, but Christians can claim it for God and advance His kingdom with Biblical, sound teaching. Pretty cool.

Cheerleaders

This message is for:
All Tecumseh Cheerleaders from 1991-1999, Jennifer Cox, Toni Henry, Cindy Hale, Amy Sampson...

Yesterday and today I have been traveling down memory lane through cheerleading uniforms of days gone by. As you know I am coaching 9th grade cheerleaders who were issued one uniform. That's right, one uniform. I did some investigating and discovered that there is a box in the deep recessed of the maintainence garage. This box is about 4 feet tall, three feet deep, and 5 feet wide. It is full of cheerleading and dance team uniforms from the 90's.
Every uniform is connected to a group of girls that I have "mostly" fond memories of. The funniest thing was that as I was sorting them, I was calling them what the squads that wore them called them. The White T, Zig-Zag, THS (they loved that one because it was so comfortable, SAVAGES (they hated this one because it rubbed under the arm pits). I loved it because it was so pretty, but it was a very expensive top. The lettering on it cost as much as the top. The very first one I remember connected with me was a black and gold with very small white piping, but it had no emblem. I don't know why we didn't get an emblem for that one.
Some of the epic fail uniforms were there. The white dress that the dance team wore in 98,
the crop top that was so thick and stiff that nobody wanted to wear it, again the one that rubbed the arms, the knit jacket that looked sharp but was almost too hot to cheer in, the knit sleeves that were meant to be worn under the sleeveless top, the black body suit that was also miserable to wear.
I took several tops for my cheerleaders; tops are classic-they never go out of style. Skirts, on the other hand, do. Girls today do NOT wear pleated skirts. There are black ones, white ones, box pleated ones, fly away ones, three pleat ones (the freshmen are going to wear those). Some have trim on the bottom, some on the sides. Some trim is black-white-gold-white-black, some black-white-black, gold-black-gold, etc. You get the picture. Anyone but me would have looked in that box and separated them out into black and white skirts, but I knew exactly which top went with which skirt-by the trim. I took about five tops and two skirts for my girls and three jackets. You would have thought it was Christmas yesterday. One of the girls even said, "This is legit." Yeah, yesterday was a good day. Monday will be better because I worked on the skirts that didn't fit, so now they also have a solid black three pleat skirt and a white skirt.

Another deposit in heaven

Tecumseh made another deposit in heaven today. Natalie Wood O'Dell went to heaven about 6:00 leaving behind her two daughters and precious grandchildren, her parents, nieces, and many, many friends. Natalie was only 49 years old and Cancer stole her from us. We have worked together on Relay where Natalie was in charge of the Survivor dinner. She wanted so much to live, and she was such a positive survivor. When the cancer came back, she fought once again, but she just couldn't beat the demonic disease.
Jason liked Natalie. Her nieces were his good friends, and she was always at ag events and ballgames, supporting him and his friends.
Natalie had a great laugh. She will be remembered for that laugh--evidence of her love of life. She loved Jesus and her family. She shouldn't be gone; she joins so many who have entered heaven too soon from our perspective. If Jason didn't immediately know she was in heaven, she probably laughed at something Jesus said, and Jason heard her and came running to show her around. I'm a little jealous. I can imagine Jason meeting her with a smile, a tease, and pride. He's probably saying, "Come on, you've got to see this place. Let me show you my horse. He's better than any I ever owned down there."
My heart aches for Kirby, Kayla, Brandy, and Jennie. They all love her so much. Her grandbabies have been cheated. I've said it before, and I'll repeat it. I Hate Cancer!!

Going through "stuff"

I started a project today that I have put off for two years and ten months. I've been going through Jason's "stuff." His wonderful friends in Nebraska packed up his things, and we stored them in a spare bedroom. We've gotten a few things out of there, but for the most part everything has remained the same as when we first placed it in there. Now comes the question, What do I do with all of this "stuff"?
I pulled out ballcaps and have been washing them in the dishwasher today. I condensed all of the shirts and jackets in one bin and all of the jeans in another. I pulled out all underwear, socks, sweats, etc. and will decide later what to do with them. I condensed all leather stuff, chaps, bridles, boots into one bin. I pulled out all OSU t-shirts. I already know what I'm doing with those. I'm making myself a quilt or throw out of those. I will take my time, quilt around all of the designs, and maybe use some of the jeans to make dividers. Even if it takes me months to finish, it will be a labor of love. It will be the kind of quilt that I will be able to put on the floor and let babies crawl on or take to a ballgame to sit on or place over your legs.
I've never been one to make a shrine to someone I've lost, but I think it's time to make a place for Jason's most valuable treasures. The belt buckles, spurs, and a couple of plaques and pictures are going to go into my China cabinet. I have a cowboy hat that I will probably have steamed and cleaned to put there. I have to be careful. I don't want to make everyone sad when they walk into my house, but I have to honor him. It's not like his memory ever leaves our minds.
I'm open to suggestions.

Education Funding

I went to my very first protest today in Oklahoma City. We met outside the Cox Center to try to draw attention to the bleak future of public education in Oklahoma.
Let me just state some of the thoughts that have been going through my mind and reveal some of the arguments I heard today against the State Superintendent of Public Instruction in Oklahoma.
Dr. Baressi is a dentist who thinks she has the answers that will fix the problem in public education in Oklahoma. At this point all we have heard from her office since she began her term is how much reform is needed to fix education. I talked to two friends who are administrators in a different school district. Both of them said that they can't get information from the State Department. Everything seems to be shrouded in secrecy. Is it secrecy, or is it possible that nobody really knows what needs to be done? Is it possible that now that her people have found out the parameters that they must work under, they realize that they don't really have a plan?
We all know that there are some changes that need to be made, but our current state administration seems to believe that we should be able to do more with less, so they release mandates and cut programs that help schools meet the mandates.
One of the decisions Dr. Baressi has made is to cut out the National Board bonus that the state promised to pay. I know that she (like all politicians) will say that cuts have to be made, but why NBCT? The state agreed to pay $5000 per year to any teacher who successfully went through the National Certification process. This certification is over and above the required Oklahoma certification requirements. I spent one year examining my teaching practices and evaluating everything I do in my classroom to see if it measures up to the best practices in education. I videotaped my lessons, prepared a portfolio, and took subject matter examinations to prove that I was worthy to wear the NBCT label. I did my part. A couple of weeks ago we learned that the remaining bonuses will not be paid. I'm at the end of my ten year certification, so it will not impact me as much as some of the people who have been recently certified. My heart breaks for them. Some of them will not find out until November if they achieved certification, but instead of getting a $5000 bonus in January, they will get a certificate to hang on the wall. Not the same, is it?
I listened to various stories today that I will now share.
Some teachers decided to pursue National Board instead of getting a master's because it would be more financially profitable. Now, time has passed, and they do not have a master's, and they get nothing for being NBCT.
One teacher said that it has taken eleven years for her to get to the regular teacher salary that she made in Georgia eleven years ago. That was her reason for going after National Board. She wanted to get closer to her previous salary.
The state of Oklahoma spends almost four times each year to incarcerate a prisoner than it does to educate a child.
Dr. Baressi stated that she hoped the local district would honor the $5000 bonus. I did not make an agreement with my local district. They only way the local district can do that is to cut other areas. In our district the number of NBCTs are about the equivalent of two beginning teacher salaries. If we use that money, every teacher and student in our district will suffer with larger class sizes. I do not know one teacher who is willing to do that to our district.
According to one teacher today, the schools have been told that they can use money earmarked for textbooks to pay the bonuses. Really? We're going to continue to use old textbooks...that's not too big a problem in my area. Literature doesn't change, but let a science or history teacher use a textbook for fourteen years instead of the usual seven years, and students will be shortchanged.
Next to my faith, my conviction in free public education is a cornerstone of my belief system. I believe that every American student should be provided with opportunity. Opportunity is provided through education. Quality education costs money.
I left Oklahoma City today feeling very frustrated, but I've decided that I will continue to be vocal. This was just step one.

Unbearable grief

I have experienced grief, real grief, not the superficial heartache that we many times overreact to, but I've never experienced anything like the Anthony family is experiencing with this trial. I remember when the little girl was missing and they suspected that her mom was somehow involved. All of this happened the summer before Jason's death. At that time I had grieved the death of two sisters and both parents. I remember saying that although I missed them all, at least I had never lost a child. I couldn't imagine surviving the loss of a child. About the time of Jason's death, the details started coming out that connected the mom to the death of the child. I remember thinking then that there are things worse than death. I miss my son every day, but I don't think I could bear thinking that one of my children killed his or her own child. It would be bad to think that one of them could kill anyone, but to kill their own child--unbearable.
I have a morbid curiosity about this case. Every time I watch the news reports, I try to put myself in the place of that mother. Her heart was broken when her granddaughter was killed, but the torture that she is experiencing now is just beyond anything that I can imagine. I don't know if she is a woman of faith, but if she isn't, I hope there are people of faith reaching out to her.
My kids were heartbroken to lose their brother, but this week this woman's son is having to testify in a court of law for the prosecution that may lead to his sister's execution. She is having to hear that her daughter is now accusing her husband of sexual abuse. I know we overuse this phrase, but bless her heart.
I've heard over and over that a parent should never have to bury a child, and I agree, but what this family is experiencing should never happen either.
I'm going to pray for this family. The kind of comfort that they need can only come from God.

Elderly---Really?

How do I define elderly? Elderly is relative. When my husband's grandmother was in the nursing home at 96 years of age, I asked her who she ate with. Her response, "Lena VanMeter, Bessie French, and two elderly women" How old do you have to be to see yourself as elderly?
This week there was a horrible car accident near here. The tv news broke in to regular programming and reported a car accident with two fatalities. Immediately the text messages started. Does anyone know who it was? Were there kids involved? Soon I started receiving texts from teacher friends. Yes, three teenagers were injured, but a couple was killed. Now, don't blame them; they were just relaying what they had heard. One said an "older" couple were killed. One said an "elderly" couple. My mind went to 75-85. That's my definition of elderly. Guess what, the couple was my age. That changed my perspective, I thought of their survivors. When I thought they were in their 70's, I was thinking of their mature children and young adult grandchildren who would have to deal with such a horrible accident. I figured they were retired, so their day-to-day circle of friends would be small. I even wondered if they had been advised not to be driving by their family who would have to deal with the grief combined with guilt.
When I think about a couple taken who are in their 50's, everything changes. Now I'm thinking of their co-workers, young adult children, young grandchildren, friends...the list goes on. What if that had been Tony and me? I certainly started thinking how much stuff we've accumulated that needs to be tossed. I don't want anyone to have to go through all that junk and wonder why we haven't thrown it away. I thought of my kids. Now, part of me was thinking how much I've missed Jason and how wonderful it would be to be with him, but Allison and Carson are still here. I want to stay to see where life takes them. I want to have grandchildren some day. I want to retire some day and see what that is like. I want to visit Ireland and Scotland and re-visit England. I want to go to Alaska and many other US states that I haven't visited. I really want to do of this before I'm "elderly." It may be too late.

Another Mother's Day

I've been thinking of my mom today. I went to early church because we were having lunch at Cindy and Randy's. Early church sings hymns which takes me back to my childhood memories of church. My mother led singing in church, so hymns remind me of her. Today's selections could have been sung in my church in the 60's. "Holy, Holy, Holy" "Are You Washed in the Blood?" "Amazing Grace" took me back. We didn't clap much in our church, but I remember when we did, Mom had a little extra rhythm, a tribute to her Pentecostal roots. She was such a sweet, demure lady that it was always a little funny to me to hear her clap so enthusiastically at church.
My mother was ahead of her time when it comes to her Christian convictions. Some of these things I've shared before, but they are worth repeating.
Once when a young, single lady in our church was expecting a baby "out-of-wedlock," some of the ladies of the church didn't want to give a shower at church, so my mom and my sisters gave the shower for the girl. It was well-attended and showered that baby with all the necessities that all babies need. That is a Christian witness that makes me proud.
When we went to the Free Will Baptist Convention in Indianapolis, there was a Guns and Roses concert on the same night as the big missions meeting. These events took place side-by-side in a downtown area. It was quite a sight to behold. Walking side-by-side down the sidewalks were men in suits, ladies in their Sunday best and a pretty rough looking crowd of young people going to the concert. We were driving around looking for a parking spot when we saw a young lady in a rather risque dress and obviously drunk or high. She was leaned up against a building and seemed to be struggling to make her way to the concert in her very high heels. My mom's response was, "Bless her heart." I was so proud that my ten year old daughter and her friend heard a seventy year old woman speak with a compassionate, Christian heart instead of an "I never" attitude.
Mom was a fun Granny. She was happiest when her house was full. One Christmas she and Dad bought Atari systems for all four of our families. My sister-in-law and I left our four kids with Granny to go to the after-Christmas sales. When we returned, the living room was a mess, and Granny was sitting on the floor with the kids playing Pac Man. Jason and Toby were so proud of themselves for teaching her to play a video game. If I ever get to be a Granny, I want to be that kind of Granny.
I think the most astonishing conversation I ever had with my mom was about two months before her death. She was diagnosed with polycythemia, a blood disorder, in 1988. In the summer of 1996, she was very ill, and we were going to OKC every week to a doctor's appointment. Her bloodwork was not looking good, and she and I were both facing realities that we didn't want to face. One day on the way home, my mom said, "I've prepared my whole life for this, and even if I've been wrong, I still believe that living my life by the teachings of Jesus is a better way to live." That's when I realized just how wise my mother was and how far away from her I was in my Christian walk. I'm a doubter, but I didn't know my mother was too. Her honesty was so refreshing to me, but I couldn't help thinking that she was way beyond me. I was a Christian because I wanted to go to heaven; she was a Christian because it was the right way to live.
I've said this many, many times, but its truth is evident. My mother is the voice in my head. I haven't talked to her since the summer of 1996, but her words and actions, her witness to me and my family, her abiding faith prepared me for the grief that has come to my life.
Mother's Day is a bittersweet day for me. I miss Mom, Phyllis, Linda, and Jason, but I put on that smile that my mom would want me to wear and hope that I can be one-half the witness to others that she was to me.

Some interesting information about Tecumseh graduation.

Once again we have a heated controversy concerning Tecumseh's graduation, so I've decided to do some research. I have every yearbook from 1962-1973, so tonight I'm sitting in the floor looking at graduation pictures. Here is what I've found:
1962--No picture in the yearbook; I think THS Auditorium
1963--THS Auditorium--This building was torn down many years ago.
1964--THS Auditorium
1965--THS Auditorium--I think I remember that they only got 2 tickets per graduate because my sister graduated that year, and only my parents went.
1966--Football Field--according to my brother-in-law, people fought this change that year.
1967--Football Field
1968--Football Field
1969--Football Field
1970--Football Field
1971--Football Field--if you have a chance to look at the pictures in the yearbook of that year, please do it. The wind was blowing so hard that microphones were covered with little socks, all of the girls were holding on to their hats, the archbearers were being blown away.
1972--Footbal field
1973--Pre-graduation pictures were at the football field; storm came in; graduation moved to gym about fifteen minutes before ceremony was supposed to start. I graduated that year and just got in the car and went from one place to the other; I can't imagine the nightmare the administration and staff experienced.
I have no accurate information for the years between 1974 and 1991.
1991--Raley--changed at the last minute because of rain.
1992-Raley--changed at the last minute because of rain.
1993--Raley--This class decided from the beginning of the year to hold graduation at Raley as the first choice. My son was a senior; I was a class sponsor, so I speak with authority.
1994--2010--Raley

My experiences with outdoor graduations have been awful. I've already reported what happened to my high school ceremony. I graduated from college at UCO in July. Let me just say that a heavy graduation robe coupled with required "stockings" for the girls made for a very hot afternoon. Jason graduated from OSU in early May, and we just about froze to death during the afternoon ceremony.
People have made several suggestions about Tecumseh locations for the graduation. There is no indoor facility in Tecumseh that is as large as Raley Chapel. I hate to put exact numbers because someone will jump on any inaccuracy, but I'm going to lowball the estimates for all venues. Raley holds 2200; the Alumni Building is maxed out at 1100 or 1200; the gym holds about 1000; Church of Christ will hold about 1200. I don't know about Evangelistic Center. Those are the only places I can think of.
I had three children graduate from Tecumseh at Raley Chapel. If you ask them where they graduated, they would answer Tecumseh.
I know that Lloyd Noble, the Cox Convention Center, Rose State are used by many schools for their ceremonies. I could look it up from the various school websites, but I don't really need to prove it to me, so if you want to, you can. I'll suggest Noble, Purcell, Little Axe, Putnam City West, Choctaw. I know there are others.
Our faculty has been accused of lobbying for Raley, and I am honestly offended by that. I've told students of my experiences, but let me assure you of one thing. If the class voted to have its graduation at the football field, I would support them 100%. I may not agree, but it is their graduation. I've thought for years that we are probably going to have to have one graduation at the field so that the community will see that an outdoor ceremony in May in Oklahoma is not ideal.
I can assure you of one thing--the administration, faculty, and staff of Tecumseh High School will do all we can to make graduation night special for the graduates. We will make whatever adjustments we have to make for the ceremony whereever it is. I really don't think we are off-base for wanting it to be in a place where we will have no surprises.

Minutes in heaven.

As most of you know if you have been following this blog, I've made many deposits in heaven in the last 20+ years. It started with my father-in-law in 1988,Mom in 1996, Phyllis in 2002, Daddy in 2003, Linda in 2005, and Jason in 2008. I didn't even include in that list Tony's two grandmothers, my grandparents, and various aunts and uncles in both Rider and Humphrey families who have passed away during that time. Therefore, I read everything I can read about heaven. I want to know where these loved ones are, what they are doing, what the place looks like, everything. Recently I read the book Heaven is for Real which started me thinking of Jason and the interraction he is experiencing with all those who went before him. I've always liked the idea that Jason is with my parents and his granddad, my sisters, and his grandmothers that he knew well. What the book did for me was to make me realize how far back the generations go, and to think of him with young and able-bodied great great grandparents is so much fun.
The little boy in the book visits heaven and gets to spend time with a grandfather that died before the boy was born. When he is back here, he is able to point out "Pop" from a picture of when Pop was a young man. When his dad showed him a picture of Pop as an old man, the boy says, "Dad, people don't wear glasses in heaven." There are no old people in heaven. I love, love, love this idea.
My mom's brothers and sisters were a group of the most loving, fun, happy Christian people I've ever known, but most of them suffered from physical ailments here on this earth. I can only imagine the laughter these people share in heaven when they don't have any pain or illness. After the stories they told about picking cotton, I wanted to pick cotton. They made it sound fun, but I've seen those movies; I've read the books. There was nothing fun about the experience unless you had my Uncle Earl to make it fun. I wonder if they are getting to pick cotton, but it is not hot, the cotton is not heavy, their hands aren't being destroyed.
I was reading the end of another book this week about how we would live if we only had thirty days to live. It sounds morbid, but it really isn't. It just makes us realize that we spend time like we have all the time in the world, but if we knew how long we had, we would be more intentional in the way we waste our resources. The end of that book has a story of a woman who has been told that she is dying. Her husband has their minister come to pray with her, and she teaches him a lesson that he passed on. The Bible says that With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years is a day. The woman reminds the minister of this truth and then says. I've done the math. If my husband lives here for forty years after I'm gone, it will only be about an hour in heaven, so I'll just have to wait an hour.
My heart soared at this news. Jason has spent minutes in heaven. Our grief has gone on for two years and six months, but he hasn't even been there long enough to see the place and all the people who went there before him. If we use her math, my mom was only there about twenty minutes before Jason joined her. That explains so much to me. I always think of the people in heaven waiting for us to join them like we wait for a baby to be born. Expectantly. Hopefully. Joyfully. Their time is so much different from ours. One thing that has bothered me is thinking of Jason being cheated out of a long life because he love life. For some reason I'm not bothered about that now.

March 18th

I never dreamed 36 years ago that I would start March 18th with a visit to the cemetery. Jason's birthday is here again and with it comes the full range of emotions in our family. We miss him; we celebrate him; we grieve him; we love him; we long to see him; mostly, we remember him.
As a baby, Jason was a dream for two young parents who didn't have a clue. He never spit up, he was never sick until he was about eight months old, he was happy, he was an entertainer. He ate like a baby is supposed to eat. The only thing I ever worried about during his first years was that he got the hiccups every time he laughed out loud. I was afraid that he would always do that.
As a pre-schooler, he was a whirlwind of activity--his scars all came before he started to school. I could not get that boy to think before he moved.
As an elementary school kid, he was just fun. His teachers all laughed at the number of times he would volunteer me to make cookies. He had no inhibitions; he was always willing to step us and participate. One year his teacher (I think it was Mrs. Yates) brought gourmet foods to class and had a tasting party. Jason tasted every food--caviar, chocolate covered ants, whatever she brought. He got the super taster award at the end of the year. He played the lead in a musical where he sang solos and performed without fear. He was a great kid.
As a teenager Jason was busy, busy, busy. His horse show schedule combined with Ag, basketball, and school (which was not high on his priority list) kept him in constant motion. I was so fortunate to join him at THS during his sophomore year and share in the fun. He had great, loyal friendships and a sweet girlfriend who is now with him in heaven.
As an adult Jason experienced the range of ups and downs that everyone faces. He loved his time at Connors and OSU, maybe a little too much. He loved training and showing horses. When he married, I had no reservations, but it didn't last. That was something he just couldn't get over. He made several statements to me that made me think that he thought he had let us down. I hope I was able to convey to him that we recognized that marriage is difficult, and many, many people have a hard time staying married today.
What would he be doing today if he had lived? I have no idea. He would still be horsing around; I'm sure of that. It does me no good to think that way. What is he doing today? Something so wonderful that I couldn't describe it even if I could get a glimpse of his eternal life.
I went to the cemetery this morning and saw that the tulips that I planted there this time last year have come up. They haven't bloomed, but they look healthy and full and ready to bloom any day now. That felt like a little message from God to me. It said, "I'm here; your boy is with me; everything will be ok."

Remembering my Son

Tomorrow should have been Jason's 36th birthday. I miss him so. I don't want to torture myself by reading through my blog entries, but it does help to know that we are better. The grief is not as raw as it was when I was writing these entries. I copied my very first entry onto this post because it tells of Jason's birth--one of the happiest days of my life.

I called this blog Jason's Mom because the day I became his mom, my identity was clear. I had been Nate and Mabel's youngest, Linda, Phyllis and Nathan's baby sister, Tony's wife, but when I became Jason's mom, I became focused on my purpose in life. Later I would also bear the name of Allison's mom and Carson's mom, so I still have my purpose. I just don't have Jason. I have no idea why I am writing in this blog, but I am grieving and can't sleep. It is 2:21 A.M.; I've been lying here since 11:30--thinking, remembering, reading, but not sleeping, so now I will write. It is my therapy.
Jason was born March 18, 1975 in Shawnee, Oklahoma. The day of his birth was an event in our home town of Tecumseh. I had been in labor for awhile and wasn't progressing, so at 2:00 the doctor told me he would perform a c-section at 5:00. Word spread like wildfire, and my memory is clear of a sea of faces looking down the hall when I was being rolled into surgery. Honestly it was a little overwhelming. Too many people for what seemed a private event, but that would begin a life for a baby that grew into a man whose funeral was one of the largest our town has ever seen.
Jason died in a tragic one vehicle accident one week and two days ago in Gordon, Nebraska. We had almost a week of preparation before we could bury him because he was so far away when he died. Now the family has gone home, his brother and sister have gone back to Stillwater, his dad and I are trying to put our home back together, and I can't sleep.
Maybe if I write down some of my thoughts, I will find release from the sleeplessness. I may find it too hurtful and give it up. Who knows?

Serendipity

I haven't written in my blog in a while. I think I've lost my muse, but today I found it. I'm in Durango, Colorado skiing with Carson and four of his friends. What an honor to be included in this trip--I'm trying to roll with the flow let this group of 22 and 23 year olds enjoy themselves.
We skied down a couple of runs together this morning, and then I needed to go get my headband, so I told them to go on and I would see them later. I headed down the mountain by myself. Now this will be no surprise to anyone who has ever skied with me, I got on the wrong trail. I am the world's worst person to follow a trail map. I forget where we are supposed to go and seldom am the person who leads, but today since I was by myself, I was my own leader. I ended up on a lift that I hadn't ever seen before, but it turned out to be a great experience. The part of the mountain that I was on was empty this morning, so I was just skiing down the runs, minding my own business when a squirrel ran right out it front of me. I ran smack dab over his tail without a witness in sight. It was a serendipitous moment for both of us.
I'm reading the new book called, Heaven is for Real; many Christians doubt stories like this, and that's ok with me, but since I have a son in heaven, I'm hungry for information about this place. The little boy who visited heaven tries to describe the colors that he saw. I couldn't stop thinking about that today as I was worshiping the nature surrounding me. The sky was bluer than normal, the snow was pristine white, the evergreens were rich green, the people skiing are wearing the colorful coats, hats, etc. It was almost too much for me to take in. I'll use that as the excuse for getting on the wrong trails. Sadly, it wasn't only once. I spent about two hours this afternoon skiing blue runs (my 56 year old knees prefer easier greens) because I kept taking the wrong trails.
Tonight I'm exhausted. I've had my shower and am about to read a little and go to bed because the wonder of God's creation exhausted me. Now I have no idea if we will ski in heaven, but if we do, our knees won't hurt, we won't get cold, the snow will never be icy or slushy, and maybe my glorified body will have an internal GPS that will keep me on the right trails.

Confession

I have a confession to make. For the past two years and four month, my prayer life hasn't been what it should be. Prior to Jason's death, I started most days by reading a passage of scripture and writing a prayer in my journal. Since his death my prayers have been sporatic and inconsistent. If someone asks me to pray for him/her, I'll do that, but that's not enough. Prayer should be daily communication with my heavenly father. Prayers shouldn't be just asking for something; prayers should also be praise, adoration, thanksgiving, and confession.
If you go back and read my journals prior to Jason's death, you will see that daily I asked God to protect my children--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When Jason died in a car accident, I guess I lost the portion of faith that I needed to count on God to protect my children. Has God protected them anyway? Yes, He has. They are both doing well. Does that mean it is useless for me to pray because they are blessed whether I pray or not? I don't think so.
I don't know if it is the beginning of the year resolutions or if I just reached the amount of time since Jason's death that I'm doing some self-examination, but I've started my prayer journals again. One of the reasons is that I'm reading a book called One Month to Live. At first I thought the topic would bother me, but instead it has made me think about the legacy I want to leave behind for my kids. It is very important for me to send the message loud and clear to them that my faith in God remains strong. How will I do that if my journal ends with Jason's death?
Therefore, I will journal my prayers again. I still won't go back and read the old journals yet, but someday I might.
The most important prayer I prayed was for God to take care of Jason spiritually. He answered that prayer because today Jason's life continues in eternity. Thank you, God for answered prayer.

2011

2011--whether you say "two thousand eleven" or "twenty eleven" doesn't matter. The year is here, and with it comes all the "new year" thoughts and feelings. I don't make many resolutions any longer. I've become cynical because I know that I don't keep many of them. I've started a diet because I don't feel very well at my current weight. It is no longer about looks for me; I just want to feel good, and I think I will feel better with some weight off.
We're going skiing in March, and I always ski better when I weigh less. Is that a sign of maturity or an admission of reality? The reality is that at 56 years old, I no longer try to get ready for swimsuit season which was always my motivation to lose weight when I was younger. Now I just want to eat healthy so that I will enjoy this life.
2011--puts us one year farther away from the last time I saw Jason. He was here in July 2008--it doesn't seem possible that it has been over two years since I saw him or spoke to him.
With all of the other people whom I have lost in my life, a certain time after their deaths I started having dreams about them. The dreams are very real and usually just include them in a family gathering--it's never a one-on-one situation. The dreams don't make me sad because I feel like I just got a little visit from Mom, Dad, Phyllis, or Linda, but I haven't dreamed about Jason much. I wonder what the psychology of that is. Maybe it would be too painful for me, so my mind won't let me go there.
2011--what will it bring? I've quit guessing or predicting. Life is going to happen. I'm just along for the ride.