Adjectives

I did one of those experiments on facebook that tells your friends to post one words that describe you. I was amazed at about 60 comments that were so kind. Of course, I had to get "old" from a Wellston student, but you know what, the reason so many of the other words were so complementary is because I am old. Not real old, but old enough.
Next week I will turn 55 years old. What would people have said about me when I was 25? I don't know because I wouldn't have posted anything like that then. My friends weren't as kind then as they are now, and I wasn't very admirable. I would have probably been described as snotty, arrogant, silly, blabbermouth. See how words can be twisted to hurt. One of my friends yesterday described me as talkative--truthfully I'm surprised I didn't get loquacious, garrulous, and all the other synonyms for talkative there are. I've been called a chatterbox since I first learned to talk.
I just really want to share that at different times in my life, my descriptive words would have been much different. The most complementary ones to me were the ones that had to do with my spiritual strength. Would those have been used to describe me in previous decades? Maybe it has been the events of the last 13 years that have pushed me to move out of my "silliness" into a mature Christian. My mother died when I was 41, and I had to make a decision then about how I was going to reconcile my faith with her death. Up to that point in my life, I had never had my heart broken. When she died, I felt the pain in my heart. It wasn't just emotional pain; it was physical.
Of course since that time, my two sisters, my dad, and Jason have joined Mom in heaven. With each death I have felt sorrow, heartbreak, severe sadness, but the one thing I have never felt is alone. God has carried me through my darkest hours.
Jason's death has been the most difficult to get beyond, but one thing that is different from what I expected is that every thought of him does not bring pain. My memories of him are sweet. What hurts is his lack of a future. I've said it before, but I will always grieve Jason's future. I will grieve the things he didn't get to experience on this earth, happy marriage, fatherhood, being an uncle. Those things bring much joy on this earth, but I have to keep reminding myself where he is. He has all the joy he needs.
Knowing that lets me be described as strong, faithful, spiritual, etc. Thanks everyone for the complements.

Dreams

Last night I had my first dream about Jason. It didn't make me sad like I thought it would; this morning I felt like I had spent the night visiting with him and my sister Phyllis. We were at Phyllis's house, working in the kitchen, and Jason came in with a wet swimsuit. Phyllis was fussing at him for dripping everywhere, and he was laughing and ignoring her. She never could get him to mind because she thought everything he did was funny.
I am taking a medication (Cymbalta) that has one side effect of vivid dreams. It is a regular occurence for me to get to school and find someone that I had a strange dream about the night before. Most of the dreams are about nothing I can even remotely connect to my life. I think I am a good candidate for the sleep and dreams clinic at OU, but I'm afraid they will take my to the east side of Norman if they dig too deep into my psyche. I would like to talk to someone who could help me analyze them.
After months of the wierd dreams, I only have two that seem the least bit connected. I have dreamed of my parents' house twice. In both of the dreams, the house looked like it did when I was a kid. Daddy did two big remodels on the house. One was to make a garage and bedroom into a den, and the other was to put new kitchen cabinets in the kitchen. In both of my dreams, those remodels had not happened. One of our school counselors told me I was trying to retain precious memories. That makes sense, but why have I dreamed this week that two of our teachers have had weddings or vow renewals? Both of these teachers have been married quite a while. What in the world is that connected to?
I'm trying to get the courage to start the process of going off the depression medication. I have been taking it about six months. The only thing that I really notice about its effectiveness is that I don't cry. Before I started taking the medicine in March, I would suddenly get teary eyed at very inopportune moments. I would be trying to teach a class at school or at church, and something would trigger tears. I also was very frustrated that I couldn't get anything finished. I was having trouble focusing on tasks that had to be done, so my doctor, Doogie Howser, prescribed an anti-depressant. I know that I am not supposed to just go off the drug, so I will need to go back to see him to get his advice. I'm really thinking that after the holidays, I will give it a try. I know that there are lots of people who take drugs like this, but I don't really like take them. I'm a born-again, believer in the God of Heaven. Shouldn't I be able to cope without drugs? We'll see.

Rivalry

I've noticed something lately. There are few friendly rivalries. Republicans and Democrats say terrible things about one another. Baseball fans not only hate their teams' rivals, they hate all the fans of their rivals. Today is another Saturday of the college football season. Texas beat OU this afternoon in a really good game. Even though I am an OSU fan, I can cheer for OU too. I didn't go to either school; I'm an OSU fan because my kids went to OSU, but I really have no reason to hate OU and their fans. I've become sensitive to insensitivity. We are becoming a people with no tolerance for anyone who doesn't agree with us.
We see it in religious differences. I'm a devoted Christian, but I can't hate people of another faith. I just don't believe the way they believe. Is there any possibility of my being able to witness to a person who I have treated unkindly. NO. If I want to be a witness for the meek and humble Jesus, I have to let go of any arrogance that I may project.
Jimmy preached about heaven a few years ago. He gave me a completely different view of heaven in that series, but one thing I remember is that he believes there might be competition in heaven. For competition to be in a perfect place with sinless people is difficult to imagine because we have become so accustomed to trash talk and in-your-face athletics. It doesn't have to be that way.
I look back at my behavior when my kids were competing, and I'm ashamed. I wasn't always a good witness to others. I probably won't be challenged again unless I have grandchildren someday, and I am able to attend their games. If you are reading this and you ever see me act like a fool at a game again, hold me accountable. Remind me that I want to be a good witness.

Different kind of post

Tonight my post is going to be different from the kind I usually post. I just returned from the Relay for Life of Tecumseh Committee Meeting. We met tonight to begin planning the Relay event that will take place May 14th 2010. We chose "Knock Cancer out of the Park" for our theme this year, so everybody get your baseball team ideas together and prepare for a fun night.
I'm linking this post to my Facebook page because I have too much to share to just put it in little word bites.

First, on a personal note,
My reason to relay:
1.My cousin Kimberly Rider died of leukemia when I was in high school. If Kimberly had been born a little later, she probably would not have died from her cancer. Research has made the diagnosis of childhood leukemia change from a death sentence as it was in the late 60's early 70's when Kimberly was sick to a conquerable disease.
2. My life-long friend Shirley Walck is a two-time cancer survivor. I walk every year celebrating the almost 20 years since Shirley's first diagnosis. She has two beautiful grandchildren who would have missed out on a terrific Granna if research had not made breast cancer survivable.
3. I have so many dear friends who are battling cancer and some wonderful friends that have lost their battle with cancer in whose honor I walk. I know I will miss someone, but I will list the ones that come to my mind tonight.
Sharyl Patten, Jame Blue, Roy Capps, Bob Trousdale, Blake Matlock, Natalie O'Dell, Terry O'Rorke, Sharon Warden, and Shelby Elred's mother are all fighting right now. I can't do much to help them in their fight, but I can feel that I am actively doing something for them by being involved in Relay.
Kimberly Rider, Cheryl Sing, Ron Webb, my aunts, Reet and Mary, are now in heaven, and I feel an obligation to continue the fight so that other people who get the kind of cancer that took their lives will survive.
3. Relay is fun. I have made so many wonderful friends out of acquaintances through Relay for Life of Tecumseh. Many of the people I have worked with for the past several years are people I knew casually; now I know them well, and we have a blast whether we are planning for Relay or actually participating.
Now for the plea. If you have never been involved in a Relay for Life, make this the year to get involved. Join an already existing team, or make a new team. Come to the next meeting at Tecumseh's City Hall on November 10th at 6:30 and check out how easy it is to have a team. You can always call me to see what all is involved. My cell in 820 6370.
By the way my job this year is the On-Line Chair because they needed someone who likes to communicate on-line. Why did everyone look directly at me when they came to that job?

Another Saturday night.

This time last year Saturday nights were always very sad. I was marking the weeks since Jason's death, and that's all I could think about. A year has passed, and I have found myself not marking the weeks any longer. That's a relief. Time really does heal. Don't get me wrong; not a day goes by that I don't miss him, but it no longer feels like a sucker punch to the heart when I do. I remember last year thinking that the pain would never lessen. I really didn't want it to lessen at that time. The pain and grief kept me connected to Jason. In many circumstances I've heard that a person shouldn't make any real changes during the first year of grief. This advice is especially given to widows or widowers, but I can see why that would be true. I have been in no shape to make major life decisions this year.
When I finished my Master's, I wanted so much to change jobs, but I didn't even put out a resume. Now I realize why. It is a comfort to know what I'm doing at work right now. I know that because we just finished the first semester, it's time to begin to think about the research paper. I'm familiar with the Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass and Huckleberry Finn, so I don't have to spend time planning because I know what's next. I like to change things up each year, but I don't have to start from scratch. Maybe next year I will be ready for something new. I realize now that last year I was back at school at this time, I really don't remember very much about teaching from Oct. to Dec. Those poor kids. I joked with them that their teacher had Alzheimer's because I would forget so many things, but I really did have a brain injury. My mind just couldn't wrap itself around one of my kids being gone.
I think some of my friends at school covered for me last year. I'm sure that students complained about my addled brain, but it never got to me. That's another reason I was afraid to put out resumes. I am truly blessed to work with my friends. We get along so well and enjoy one another's company. We saw a popular video a few years ago as part of in-service about a fish business in Seattle that has so much fun at work that people take their lunch hour to watch their work. Someone should come in to our school and do a documentary about how important it is to enjoy being around the people we work with. I talk to people all the time who can't stand the people they work with. How sad for them. I don't know the magic that makes us like this, but it has been this way for twenty years. Teachers have moved, retired, left, and teachers have been hired and added to our group, and the atmosphere around me stays the same. We care about one another and all the families represented. We have a standing joke that we usually start our stories now with, "I know I've told this story before, but..." So we have a plan to just number our stories and then laugh when someone calls out that number. The thing is I usually like hearing their stories again. My favorite is Gina's story of having a discussion with her son Andrew about some discipline issue. She and Dave had given Andrew some scenarios so that he wouldn't make the same mistake again. When they asked him what he had learned, he said, "I know what a scenario is." That's number 68.

Patterns.

I've been very busy this week, and I started getting sick Monday. I stayed home Tuesday holding my breath that I was getting the flu because I had such a miserable evening and night Monday. I guess I just have a cold because I no longer have fever, so I went back to school Wed. These past couple of weeks I have been reading the posts from the first of this blog. This time last year, I was doing the exact same thing I did tonight. I made out a final tonight to give tomorrow; that's what I did last year. I don't have a very exciting life, do I?
Sometimes I have to remind myself that the students I have are doing these things for the first time. I may have read a piece of literature several times, but they are reading it for the first time. If they don't quite understand all the ins and outs of something that seems so simple to me, its my job to bring them along.

Today Ruth (one of my co-workers who retired a couple of years ag0) brought lunch for our lunch bunch. It was so nice to see her and visit with her at lunch. It made me think about the changes in our school staff over the time I have been here. I am amazed that it is time for me to be one of the people moving on to something new. I guess I am afraid of what change might bring. I am comfortable with the way things are, but I would like very much to try my luck at helping secondary readers.
I have some kids in class right now that I think I could help if I didn't have such large classes. True helps comes to students in one-on-one or very small group situations.
I'm again asking for prayer that I will know when the right time is to do something new, to start a new pattern in my life.

Patience

Caleb waited 45 years to receive the land that was promised to him. I've waited almost 30 years for something that I believe God wants me to have, but I lose sight of the promised land sometimes and get discouraged. I wonder if Caleb ever became so discouraged that he was about to give up and think his promise would never be fulfilled. God's time is not our time. I've learned that lesson over and over in my life. I wonder how long it will take me to bring that to my mind first instead of after nail biting, worry, anger, etc.
The funny thing is that in my reading of Joshua and Proverbs paired, this is what Proverbs in The Message says to me today.
Proverbs 3:5
Trust God from the bottom of your heart,
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go.
he's the one who will keep you on track.

I love it when I coincidentally read just the passage I need. I've many times searched for something to answer my questions intentionally by using a concordance or other aid.
I am following along with several people right now who are having to trust God from the bottom of their hearts. So many people battling cancer are having to let go and let God. Mr. Blue, Mr. Capps, a high school classmate's sister, Bob Trousdale, Natalie O'dell, to name a few. All of them say the same thing; we just have to trust God because all of this is out of our hands. They are trusting doctors and their treatments and not trying to figure out everything on their own. That may be the most difficult thing for humans to do. We want to be in control.
I lost control of my life when Jason was killed. I realized that I can't control anything, I can only trust God. God sees my future; He knows what else I will have to face. I will listen for God's voice in every trial because He will keep me on track.

Wisdom of Solomon

Proverbs 2: 9-15
So now you can pick out what's true and fair,
find all the good trails.
Lady Wisdom will be your close friend,
and Brother Knowledge your pleasant companion
Good Sense will scout ahead for danger,
Insight will keep an eye out for you,
They'll keep you from making wrong turns,
or folowing the bad direction.

Wisdom, knowledge, and good sense--do we need anything else. Some might add Faith, but if you have true wisdom, knowledge, and good sense, faith is a natural result.
I have spent my adult life as an educator, and I have taught some brilliant students. Many of the most brilliant academically have also been very wise, but some have not been. As a parent, I would prefer my children be wise over brilliant. I want them to use the good sense that I know they are capable of using. According the this passage Good Sense will scout ahead. That's what it takes; thinking through all the possibilities. Some kids can do that; some have to learn the value of doing it by ignoring warning signs and other people's experiences.
Those are the ones that learn everything the hard way. They will not look at anyone else's experience and learn a lesson that prevents them from going the same direction.
That is frustrating to me as a parent and a teacher, but can you imagine how frustrated God must be with us. We have the Bible for an example, but we don't read it carefully and often enough to have what we read impact our choices. That's not very wise, is it?

Joshua 9

Now I remember why the Old Testament is so difficult for me to read. I realize that God knew the big picture,so when the people of Israel were told to completely obliterate a people, that was the right thing for them to do. It's just very difficult to read. I prefer the Sermon on the Mount, the Beatitudes, the Epistles of the New Testament. I have to force myself to read these books of the Old Testament by softening them with passages a little less violent. This morning on KLOVE they challenged the listeners to read a chapter of Proverbs every day during the month of October because Proverbs has thirty-one chapters. That will be my plan for the month. I will finish Joshua and Judges this month too, but I will temper them with the wisdom of Solomon. At the introduction in The Message, Peterson states that wisdom is the biblical term for this on-earth-as-it-is-in-heaven everyday living. I could use some wisdom right now. As I've come to realize in my "mature years," I need to live the promised life. To do that I have to make sure I stay connected. If I unplug this computer from the internet, this blog won't post. If I unplug myself from God, the evidence that I live for Jesus will not be clear to others.
My pacifist leanings come out strongly when I am reading the passages about war and destruction. I can't stand to hear that we need to send more troops into harm's way, but if I had a son somewhere that needed more troops, I would want help for my son. War is a catch 22. Peace may be the thing I most look forward to about heaven.
I'm so thankful for the New Covenant. I'm so thankful that we live under grace. In the passages I have been reading this week, the people had to follow the letter of God's instruction or they faced dire consequences. Aren't we glad that is not how we live today. I would have dropped dead about five minutes after I reached the age of accountability.