Summer Again

I haven't posted in a while because I have been busy, out of town, tired, busy again, and now it is Sunday night May 31st, and I finally have a breather.
The last weeks of school were hectic; I was senior sponsor, so I missed three of the last four days of class and left for New Orleans the night of graduation. I went with the academic team to a competition in the Big Easy, but there was nothing Easy about our trip. First, we drove twelve hours to get there, then we walked and walked, and ate and ate, and walked and walked, and ate some more, and then drove twelve hours home. It took me two days to get over the trip. I had a few things to finish up at school when I got back, then I went to Stillwater to help my kids move. Actually I didn't do much helping, but I shopped for the things that they will both need since they will no longer be living together. I hope they are both happy living alone; they seem to be excited about it. Since they both have dogs, they won't be completely alone. Allison will be well-protected by Capone, her pitt. No one has to know that he is the sweetest dog in the world; his bark sounds vicious. Since Carson's dog is a basenji (a barkless dog), he will just be company.
Ok, back to New Orleans, I don't think I am a New Orleans kind of girl. The food was wonderful, I enjoyed the WWII museum, the swamp tour, Preservation Hall (great Jazz), the garden district and (strangely enough) cemetery tour. What I was uncomfortable with were the number of people I saw who live in desperate situations. People asking for money, scamming, looking for a handout brings out the worst in all of us. I wanted so much to give money to some of them, but I didn't. My fear and doubt took over my compassion. One man in particular who first asked us for a cigarette then told us that he had been drinking since he was thirteen, has HepC, scirrosis, and was in New Orleans because they had a VA hospital. He was crossing the river to sleep on a park bench on the Algiers side because the police will leave him alone. If I had had cash on me, I would have given him some money, but I carried very little cash with me on the street. Life sure has a way of beating people up.
Our Sunday School lesson was on Sufficient Grace. I really don't think I ever understoon that phrase until I studied this lesson in light of Jason's death. No matter what happens in this life, God's grace is sufficient. I once thought that the loss of a child would be too much for me to bear. I miss him, but I am so thankful for God's grace, for the knowledge that he is in heaven and through God's grace, I will someday be with him for all time. I'm not saying I won't have sad days sometimes when I miss him so much that I can't concentrate on anything else, but I am saying that God's grace is sufficient.
This week I start summer school. I will have my Master's in July. If you are reading this and you are a praying person, pray that I will know what to do with my career. I need a change.

Chiseled in Stone

Vern Gosdin had a country song called "Chiseled in Stone" that had a line, "You don't know lonley til it's chiseled in stone." Tony and I discovered the truth of that statement this morning. I have made it a habit of driving by the cemetery several times a week to see if Jason's headstone has been set. This morning on the way back from our weekly trip to Hardesty's, we drove by and saw that it was there. I guess it was put up yesterday afternoon because I was by there Thursday.
We drove in to see it. I thought I had prepared myself for seeing his name in granite. After all I selected the stone, decided what we would put on it, paid for it, saw the computer generated picture of it, but nothing prepared me for seeing my son's name on a headstone. Tony and I both cried all the way home, something that hasn't happened in a while.
I went to Walmart to buy flowers so that it would have new flowers in the vase and went back out there. The second trip was somewhat easier. I didn't cry, but the heaviness in my chest will not go away.
I think I have to face a grim reality. For the remainder of my life, I will miss Jason. Even though the pain will lessen with time, it will never go away. Every time I hear that one of his friends is getting married, having a baby, living life, I feel a sadness that reminds me that his future was cut short. I was told that I will grieve the future. That is such a profound truth. I wanted so much for him to marry, have children, enjoy being an uncle. Now that I have seen his name chiseled in stone, I am reminded that his days on this earth are over, and I am lonely.

The Lion King

I went to OKC last night to see The Lion King at the Civic Center. I still can't believe how great it was. Because we went to Disneyland when the movie came out, I thought I had seen all the creative things that could be done with this show. I was so wrong. I want to see it again.
Every time I see that a Broadway show is going to be in OKC or Tulsa, I think I will get tickets, but I don't follow through. I am making a resolution. I will resolve to buy tickets for a specific date and make myself go. Life's too short to wait for the perfect time to do the things we want to do.
We are having storms in Oklahoma tonight. I want to go to sleep, but I keep listening for the weather to report that all is well in Stillwater so that I can rest easy. At least I don't have to worry about tornados in heaven. I kind of like to watch storms from a safe place. Maybe in heaven God allows storms without the danger.

Mother's Day 2009

I thought I had experienced the most painful Mother's Day the year after my mom died. My sisters and I had a difficult time celebrating, but since we were all mothers, we had to "suck it up" and celebrate with our families. This year was much worse.
For years after my mom died, I avoided shopping in May. All the Mother's Day displays and cards just made me sad. This year I have been too busy to shop, so I guess it kind of crept up on me.
My family tried to make the weekend as good as it could be for me. Friday I received a beautiful bouquet of fresh flowers from Janna, Halle, and Savana. Of course, Friday night was Relay, so I was distracted by activity. Saturday was the day to recuperate from Relay. Sunday morning slapped me with the surprise emotions about 5:00.
I made it through Sunday School and church by knowing that people were praying for me. It helped me that Allison and Carson joined me for church. My sister-in-law, Cindy, volunteered to have the dinner at her house which I appreciated very much. All of the family were there and a couple of my friends from church joined us. We had a very nice visit. Allison and I planned to go to the movie Sunday evening, but we both fell asleep and missed it. Really, I didn't mind. It was nice just to visit with her and sleep for a while.
I graded research papers Sunday night until very late and got up early Monday morning to finish them.
I really am in good shape for the end of school. I have a very small stack of papers to grade, some assignments that will be due Friday, and finals to make out. I really don't have much choice but to be caught up. Since I am senior sponsor, I will be out of school three days next week, so I have to get things ready for a sub.
I leave for New Orleans at midnight after graduation to accompany the academic team to a national tournament.
I have learned that keeping busy is better for me. The worst two times I have had so far were Christmas and Spring Break--too much time to think about Jason. I may have to work until I die.

Summer School Blues

I went to Ada this afternoon to enroll in summer school for the last time. I thought I was going to be able to finish my master's in June, but one of the classes I need isn't offered until July, so now I will be in class all summer. The worst part is that the July class is offered only in Ardmore--about 1 hour and 45 minutes from my house according to mapquest. It is a blended class, so I will only have to attend two days a week, but that's a long commute. Oh well, I can do anything for four weeks, right?
I can't believe I will be finished this summer. It really doesn't seem like I have been going that long--two summers and three semesters. With all that has happened in our family, I am amazed that I have been able to concentrate at all. Really it has helped to have something to focus on. I may have a doctorate before I'm finished.
I have to laugh when I think of how Jason responded when I told him I was going back to school. WHY---YYYY? Like I had lost my mind and was way too old to be attending classes. I have been the oldest one in my class most of the time, but I certainly have more time to study than those who are raising their children right now and teaching. That's why I waited to get my master's. I didn't want to miss out on anything my kids were doing, so going to class was out of the question.
I have fond memories of following my kids around to ballgames, horse shows, pig shows, choir, church events, etc. It was sometimes exhausting, but I always felt like I was exactly where I needed to be. Now I am attending classes and challenging my mind with new methods of teaching.
I just hope I can change jobs to use what I have learned. Finishing in July will probably make that impossible for next year. Oh well, what will be will be.