This week of Spring Break has been both wonderful and terrible. From Saturday to Wednesday, I went snow skiing and had a wonderful time. The snow was good, the weather cooperated, the company was fun. I couldn't have asked for a better trip.
Then I got home and had to deal with the emotions of Jason's first birthday in heaven. I asked his friends via Facebook to send me some good memories of him, and I have received messages from all over. That has helped; I like knowing that his friends are remembering fun times. Friday was the six month anniversary of his death, so Tony and I went to Stillwater and had lunch with Allison and Carson. We watched the Cowboys win and enjoyed a good lunch.
The only thing left is seeing his headstone. There's something about seeing his name carved in stone that frightens me. I'm not sure how I will react. It should be up soon because last week they started preparing for it by pouring a slab. That usually is a sign that the stone is almost ready.
Once again I will have to put on my "big girl panties" and so out there to see it. We tried to choose a stone that was different, personal, and fitting for Jason. I hope it looks like I have pictured it.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Jason's Birthday
I've been hearing from Jason's friends and family all day. Today, March 18th, would have been Jason's 34th birthday. There's that verb again, would have been; I've come to hate those words. I was told by a very wise friend that I would grieve the future. That's what I do. When I think of the living, breathing Jason, I smile, laugh, and remember the great kid and young man he was. He was always up for a good time, willing to go running around with me; he made me proud. He was such a happy child, a fun-loving teenager, and a contented man. What I am grieving is that he didn't get to be the husband and father that I wanted to see him become. As many of his friends have told me, kids loved Jason, and Jason loved kids. He was drawn to them and knew how to relate to them; I always thought he would be a great dad. That's where my grief lies. The would have beens are the most difficult.
This week I went snow skiing in Colorado. Our cabin was rustic, made of logs, and decorated with "cowboy" decorations. I couldn't look at anything on the place without thinking that Jason would have loved this place.
Friday will mark the six month anniversary of his death. He's been in heaven for six month--incredible. I wonder how his mansion is decorated. It may look very much like the little log cabin that I stayed in this week. There was a beautiful stream behind the cabins, stables next to them, and the mountains in the background. It was beautiful, but where he is cannot be compared to it. That's the only solace I have right now.
Jason always suffered with allergies in spring. Not this year. No Claritin in heaven.
This week I went snow skiing in Colorado. Our cabin was rustic, made of logs, and decorated with "cowboy" decorations. I couldn't look at anything on the place without thinking that Jason would have loved this place.
Friday will mark the six month anniversary of his death. He's been in heaven for six month--incredible. I wonder how his mansion is decorated. It may look very much like the little log cabin that I stayed in this week. There was a beautiful stream behind the cabins, stables next to them, and the mountains in the background. It was beautiful, but where he is cannot be compared to it. That's the only solace I have right now.
Jason always suffered with allergies in spring. Not this year. No Claritin in heaven.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
The week before Spring Break
Students need Spring Break; I realize this, but I don't think the week is for the students. It is for the teachers. We just finished our grades, we have two nights of parent-teacher conferences this week, we are exhausted. Today was that day in between the two thirteen hour days. When I was leaving the building this evening, I exited with teachers who usually stay for awhile after school. They were dragging out, just as I was, and heading home immediately. Knowing that tomorrow morning we will enter again for another long, long day, we had to get out of there fast. We get Friday off, but we will be too exhausted to enjoy it. All it does is give us a day to rest before the official break begins.
I'm going skiing next week for the first time with none of my kids going along. Cindy Humphrey, Cindy Hale, Mel Rogers, Janna and her girls and I are going for a "girls only" trip. I can't wait; I think that I sometimes just need mountain air. I feel closer to God in the mountains, and I need to feel closer to God right now.
We will be driving back on Jason's birthday. March 18th July 24th, and November
11th have been very special days for me for 34, 28, and 21 years respectively. I never knew how significant my birthday was for my mother until Jason was born. My kids' birthdays have been more important than my own for 34 years. Their birthdays always bring back the wonderful memories of seeing their precious faces for the first time and falling instantly in love. At this point I can honestly say that those three dates were the best days of my life. I've been told that becoming a grandmother will be even better, but I can't imagine that. I will try to honor Jason this year. It will be a rough day, but thankfully I will be with people who not only care about me but also loved Jason. They will let me remember; they won't care if I cry; they will probably cry with me. I'm very blessed to have them as friends and family.
I'm going skiing next week for the first time with none of my kids going along. Cindy Humphrey, Cindy Hale, Mel Rogers, Janna and her girls and I are going for a "girls only" trip. I can't wait; I think that I sometimes just need mountain air. I feel closer to God in the mountains, and I need to feel closer to God right now.
We will be driving back on Jason's birthday. March 18th July 24th, and November
11th have been very special days for me for 34, 28, and 21 years respectively. I never knew how significant my birthday was for my mother until Jason was born. My kids' birthdays have been more important than my own for 34 years. Their birthdays always bring back the wonderful memories of seeing their precious faces for the first time and falling instantly in love. At this point I can honestly say that those three dates were the best days of my life. I've been told that becoming a grandmother will be even better, but I can't imagine that. I will try to honor Jason this year. It will be a rough day, but thankfully I will be with people who not only care about me but also loved Jason. They will let me remember; they won't care if I cry; they will probably cry with me. I'm very blessed to have them as friends and family.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Another interesting sermon
Today's message was above my head in some ways. My preacher might be a little too smart for me, but I still learn and grow under his tutelage. As Christians each of us are composed of three parts: the sarx (flesh), the nous (processing center of thoughts), and the pneuma (spirit of God). Today he addressed what we do with thoughts that come into our mind. (At the time he was preaching this, I was thinking that those words sounded like something Dr. Seuss would write). Ok, so I was not guarding my thoughts.
If we just receive information through the sarx, we respond selfishly--thinking only of ourselves. We must let the pneuma determine how we react to life.
He remined us that our minds are inventive. We can imagine things that aren't really there, and these imaginings can destroy our relationships. We have to let God speak to us to let us know what is true and what is not.
I wonder if throughout my life I have lost friends because they have imagined something about me that wasn't there, or have I imagined things about them that I made up in my head?
II Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
If we just receive information through the sarx, we respond selfishly--thinking only of ourselves. We must let the pneuma determine how we react to life.
He remined us that our minds are inventive. We can imagine things that aren't really there, and these imaginings can destroy our relationships. We have to let God speak to us to let us know what is true and what is not.
I wonder if throughout my life I have lost friends because they have imagined something about me that wasn't there, or have I imagined things about them that I made up in my head?
II Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Mom memories
I went to my friend Marla's mom's funeral today. Darlene Grove was such an important part of my childhood; she was the stay-at-home mom that made me jealous of Marla. My mom went to work when I was in the fourth grade, so things changed for our family. By then my siblings were grown, and I was the "big sister" to my nephew and niece.
I don't remember the first time I stayed at Marla's, but I just know that we either stayed at her house or mine almost every night from age 12-14. They moved to Macomb when we were in high school, and I didn't continue to spend so much time at their house, but I loved staying with them when we were at the silliest times of our lives.
Marla's dad worked at Tinker, so he went to bed with the chickens, and we stayed up and watched Johnny Carson with Darlene. She had the most infectious laugh and a sense of humor that told me that she enjoyed us even in our silliest moments.
We pierced our ears (with ice cubes, needles and thread), changed our hair styles, played with make-up, practiced cheers in her front yard, sunbathed on the roof. We ate wonderful meals; she made the best salad, but on the night they had liver and onions, I suddenly would need to go home. I pulled taffy with them for the first and only time in my life and still remember the burning fingers. Her little can-shaped carrot cakes were the best, and her divinity was divine. She made it colored and dropped it onto waxed paper in little fluffy balls. I didn't know how significant that was until I tried to make divinity the first time. Incredible!
I know her death has left a void in her family. She was a devoted wife, mother, mother-in-law, grandmother, and great-grandmother. I haven't seen her many times in recent years, but when I did, she bragged about those grandkids; for some reason she thought they were the cutest, smartest kids around, just as it should be. She has had a really bad couple of months, so her family is relieved that she isn't suffering any longer, but they will miss her. I will miss her too.
I don't remember the first time I stayed at Marla's, but I just know that we either stayed at her house or mine almost every night from age 12-14. They moved to Macomb when we were in high school, and I didn't continue to spend so much time at their house, but I loved staying with them when we were at the silliest times of our lives.
Marla's dad worked at Tinker, so he went to bed with the chickens, and we stayed up and watched Johnny Carson with Darlene. She had the most infectious laugh and a sense of humor that told me that she enjoyed us even in our silliest moments.
We pierced our ears (with ice cubes, needles and thread), changed our hair styles, played with make-up, practiced cheers in her front yard, sunbathed on the roof. We ate wonderful meals; she made the best salad, but on the night they had liver and onions, I suddenly would need to go home. I pulled taffy with them for the first and only time in my life and still remember the burning fingers. Her little can-shaped carrot cakes were the best, and her divinity was divine. She made it colored and dropped it onto waxed paper in little fluffy balls. I didn't know how significant that was until I tried to make divinity the first time. Incredible!
I know her death has left a void in her family. She was a devoted wife, mother, mother-in-law, grandmother, and great-grandmother. I haven't seen her many times in recent years, but when I did, she bragged about those grandkids; for some reason she thought they were the cutest, smartest kids around, just as it should be. She has had a really bad couple of months, so her family is relieved that she isn't suffering any longer, but they will miss her. I will miss her too.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Spring fever
I am so looking forward to the end of winter. I know, we are in Oklahoma, so spring takes its time getting here, but the signs are beginning to show. My daffodils are blooming, some of the flowers are beginning to come up in the beds, today Tony pointed out the weeds in the lawn, I noticed that the bradford pear trees are in bloom. I don't remember ever being so ready to get outside and work in my yard. I remind myself of my dad who loved to garden.
I think it may be because I'm ready for new life, new interests, new purpose.
I'm going skiing the first of Spring Break, then I'm going to work in my yard. I hope the weather cooperates.
I think it may be because I'm ready for new life, new interests, new purpose.
I'm going skiing the first of Spring Break, then I'm going to work in my yard. I hope the weather cooperates.
Monday, March 2, 2009
The Shack
A couple of months ago I read The Shack, a very popular book in Christian circles right now. I loved the book, felt like I learned a great deal from reading it, even felt that I healed a little when I read it. The problem is that those lessons don't stick with me. I forget, and then I start thinking again. I think about loss and death, and I ask why me? We have already grieved so many times in recent years; why are we having to do this again? Is there a lesson that I was supposed to learn that I didn't learn when Momma, Phyllis, Daddy, Linda died? Am I so bull-headed that God can't get through to me until everything I love is taken from me? Me. Me. Me. Me.
Saturday I bought The Shack on audio. I skipped the sad chapters at the beginning and went straight to the chapters when the main character meets God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit in human form. Now I remember why the book had such an impact on me the first time through. This world is messed up; human-kind messed it up; it isn't the way God intended it to be, so we suffer. Horrible things happen to us and to the people we love, not because God is punishing us but because of sin.
I don't know how many times I will have to listen to this book, but I will purpose right now to listen to it until the message chases out the negative thoughts that creep into my mind.
Saturday I bought The Shack on audio. I skipped the sad chapters at the beginning and went straight to the chapters when the main character meets God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit in human form. Now I remember why the book had such an impact on me the first time through. This world is messed up; human-kind messed it up; it isn't the way God intended it to be, so we suffer. Horrible things happen to us and to the people we love, not because God is punishing us but because of sin.
I don't know how many times I will have to listen to this book, but I will purpose right now to listen to it until the message chases out the negative thoughts that creep into my mind.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Today's Sermon--God is in control.
I'm so glad I attend church. Today's sermon was just for me; only one of the major points of the sermon was "It's not about me; God is in control." Paradox, I know.
We are finishing a study of Jonah who was angry at the end of the story. He was mad at God for loving people that Jonah didn't think God should love. The major point that Jimmy brought out was that many of us have situations in our lives that may cause us to live with anger.
I don't think I have the nerve to voice my extreme anger at God because I grew up in an age that didn't teach that we could do that. I still had the vision of God that could strike me down if I crossed a line. I've been angry with God for not answering my prayers--you know those daily routine, rote prayers that say, "Protect my children, physically, spiritually, and emotionally." Looking at the big picture now, I see that Jason is the only one of my children that God is protecting. He is in heaven where absolutely nothing can harm him. It's the rest of us who are living in danger and need God's protection. I've been angry at Jason for not taking precautions--seatbelt and exhaustion--on the road.
Today's sermon spoke volumes to me. It went right along with the Sunday School lesson we studied. This world is not a place where we are supposed to feel comfortable. Sin came into this world and messed it up. Because of that, we live with sin--death, divorce, financial ruin, illness--all of these things hurt us and cause us to cry out to God. If we could only get beyond our self-pity and "me centered thinking," we would handle life's hardships much better.
God is in control of the salvation of my family and friends. If I could, I would accept Jesus for every one of them, but God is in control. I can only take care of my own relationship with him and hope that it shines brightly enough that others are influenced by it.
We are finishing a study of Jonah who was angry at the end of the story. He was mad at God for loving people that Jonah didn't think God should love. The major point that Jimmy brought out was that many of us have situations in our lives that may cause us to live with anger.
I don't think I have the nerve to voice my extreme anger at God because I grew up in an age that didn't teach that we could do that. I still had the vision of God that could strike me down if I crossed a line. I've been angry with God for not answering my prayers--you know those daily routine, rote prayers that say, "Protect my children, physically, spiritually, and emotionally." Looking at the big picture now, I see that Jason is the only one of my children that God is protecting. He is in heaven where absolutely nothing can harm him. It's the rest of us who are living in danger and need God's protection. I've been angry at Jason for not taking precautions--seatbelt and exhaustion--on the road.
Today's sermon spoke volumes to me. It went right along with the Sunday School lesson we studied. This world is not a place where we are supposed to feel comfortable. Sin came into this world and messed it up. Because of that, we live with sin--death, divorce, financial ruin, illness--all of these things hurt us and cause us to cry out to God. If we could only get beyond our self-pity and "me centered thinking," we would handle life's hardships much better.
God is in control of the salvation of my family and friends. If I could, I would accept Jesus for every one of them, but God is in control. I can only take care of my own relationship with him and hope that it shines brightly enough that others are influenced by it.
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