Tuesday, September 30, 2008

If Only...

Ok, let's get this out there; we're all thinking the same thing. If only I had ....maybe this tragedy would not have happened. What could I have done to put Jason in another place so that he would not be alone on the road, so that he would not have fallen asleep as the officer told us was probably the cause of the crash.
The question is always asked, Why didn't God stop this from happening? He could have. Only He had the power to stop this tragedy, but he didn't. Again I don't know how solid my theology is here, but this is what I believe. From the moment Jason became Jason, God new exactly how many days he had. He did not "take" Jason from us, but He knew when Jason would enter this life and when he would leave. I also believe that God is grieving with me. He loves me; He knows my pain; He once experienced the death of His son, so God is grieved that sin entered this world and caused death, grief, and pain for his children.
Now I don't want you to think that's ok with me. I'm a little angry at God at the moment. I prayed for my son's safety daily. Why didn't he answer my prayer and keep Jason awake? I have so many questions for Him when I get there, but you know what, when I get there, I will not care about the answers because I will see where Jason has been for however many years between now and then, and I will know that Jason was the lucky one.
If you are following along with this blog, I want you to understand why I am writing it. If I don't write down my thoughts, I will drive my friends and family crazy. I'm a talker, and I will talk you to death. This week I have sat quietly and listened to my family. I realize that when I shut up, I learn things about my family and friends that I would not know otherwise. I am always the "take charge" person. This week I sat on the couch and listened to Jason's Aunt Cindy, my precious daughter Allison, and her cousins Janna, Erica, and Crystal plan Jason's funeral. I made a few executive decisions about music and location and speakers, but for the most part, Cindy and the girls were responsible for the beautiful tribute that was his service. They went through pictures that I couldn't look at, listened to music that I didn't want to hear, and with the exception of "pickin up hookers" in "My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys," I think they made all the right choices. When Erica called me and told me of the line, I told her not to worry about it, I would always hear, "pickin' up lookers" in my head when I heard that song.
This is my thank you to them for "putting on their big girl panties" and doing the work that I could not do. I know that every decision they made was made with a love for Jason. I also thank Crystal and Erica for bringing their children out here for us to enjoy. The joy those children brought into this home will lighten the memory of the days following Jason's death. We know their kids a little better than we did before, and the kids got to play with some of the toys that Jason played with when he was their age. I was not saddened to see the Fisher-Price barn out. I was overjoyed to see the barn doors open and the animals scattered on the floor.


Catherine Zoller said...

Dear Jason's Mom,
Reading your blog (Becky Tyler sent me the link) reminds me so much of everything I wend through when my 22 yers old son Jordan died from complications of a nearly five year-old heart/lung transplant.
After his funeral, when my husband was back at work and my other tow children were back in shcool, I was sobbing in my living room. Deep, wracking, inconsloable sobs. Finally, I wailed, "Oh, God! Iv'e buried my son! I've buried my son!" He whispered to my heart, "I know. I buried Mine too."
It helped. It really did. But later, still greiving and raw, I complained, "Yeah, but You got Yours back three days later.." To which He replied, "Yes, and that's why I got Jordan instantly." I can't tell you what that did to heal my heart.
I too, wonder all the time what glorious, unspeakable things Jordan is doing and seeing RIGHT THIS MINUTE in heaven. When he comes to me in my dreams I ask him questions I know he can't answer. He is always alive and whole and well in them, just as I know he is truly is.
I pray that the Lord will heal your heart as He has healed mine. It will be four long years on Oct.10th since I have seen his face and felt his bristly kisses, yet I must constantly remind my bereaved heart of his ecstatic gain.
You are in my prayes.

Humphrey said...

For years I have been able to say to grieving parents. I can only imagine your grief. Now I know your pain. We are in a club that no one wants to join. Thank you for your prayers.

jenwill95 said...

I never had the pleasure of meeting your son. I know right after the accident though I felt your pain & still do everytime I drive past your house. I live about 2 miles past you on Hwy 9. I felt sooo much heartache for you seeing all the cars & SUV's in the driveway. I had the pleasure of having you for a teacher in High School and we always enjoyed your class because almost on a daily basis we got to listen to a story about your kids (which got us of course & out of having to do our work LOL) I think everyone grieves in their own way & you can only hold it in for so long before you feel like you're going to burst! I just wanted to send you & your family my condolences and hopefully it will become easier for you after time!
Jennifer (Cummings) Williams

janna said...

Debbie, you are helping others through your pain and that is a blessing and tribute to Jason.