This week will bring with it the first of September. Last year September kicked my butt. As soon as I started seeing that month, I began to relive the previous year. Up to the 20th, I kept thinking--this time last year, Jason was still here. Did I talk to him one year ago today? What was he doing? Then from the 20th on---my thoughts went through reliving the days following his death. I am determined to meet September head on this year. I planted mums today. As soon as the pansies and cabbages are out in the stores, I will plant them. I will watch and enjoy OSU, Miami Dolphins, and THS football. I will remember Jason, but this year, I'm determined to remember the good. I have some projects to do that will occupy my time and bless the people who loved him. I refuse to let a month that always was a pleasant month for me become a month of constant pain.
September was usually a month of misery for Jason. His fall allergies were pretty rough. Claritin, Allegra, Zyrtec, nose spray..He tried it all. That's one consolation I have. There's no need for that stuff in heaven.
That's really the only way I can survive. He still exists. He is whole, healthy,
perfect. Even those precious scars that so identified him here are gone. I know that my friends and family are praying for us this month and every month. I also know that God is answering those prayers. The most unimaginable pain is survivable. I really didn't think it was. I really thought that losing a child would destroy me, but Jason is in my future. I don't know how many Septembers I have before I see him, but I refuse to let the month knock me flat ever again.
I am a child of God with a future in heaven. The days of my life here on this earth are nothing compared to the time I have in eternity. I will forever focus on that.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Nice to meet you, I'm your great great great grandfather.
I've been thinking about heaven a lot lately. I've been to so many funerals and visited with so many grieving parents and grandparents in the last few months that I guess it's no wonder. Something has come to my attention recently, and it's so obvious that I feel like saying, duh, but I love my new train of thought.
I always think of Jason in heaven with my parents, Tony's dad, my sisters, and some of the other relatives that Jason knew here on this earth. What has come to my attention recently is that Jason is in heaven with ancestors that he nor I ever met.
I come from a long line of Christian people. I wonder how many generations back his new acquaintances go. Has he found the source of his passions? Has he met a great great grandfather that he has so much in common with that they hang out all the time?
Jason loved music, loved to sing, loved to listen to music. Has he found a person in our ancestry that shares that love. Do they sing together? What perfect harmony is he listening to?
Does he know these people immediately, or does each generation have to introduce him to the one they knew until they go all the way back to ....(I don't know who).
My cousins have searched the Rider family all the way back to England, but they go back farther than that. I wonder if I had a relative that was one of the early Christians. Maybe I have a blood connection to one of the early believers. Maybe the Apostle Paul preached in a city that my ancestor lived in, and that ancestor shared his faith, lived his faith so that his children and children's children were also believers.
I think I'll start praying for my descendants. To think that I will be able to meet my great great grandchildren someday when I never knew them while I was living...that's pretty cool. I hope that they will be able to trace their lineage back to my life. Luckily, it won't stop there because I stand on the shoulders of previous generations of Christ followers.
I get antsy with this life. I would love to have grandchildren when the time is right, but I'm already 55, so I doubt that I live to see great grandchildren, but who cares, I'll spend eternity with them, and I won't be aged and infirm. I'll be able to match them step for step.
I always think of Jason in heaven with my parents, Tony's dad, my sisters, and some of the other relatives that Jason knew here on this earth. What has come to my attention recently is that Jason is in heaven with ancestors that he nor I ever met.
I come from a long line of Christian people. I wonder how many generations back his new acquaintances go. Has he found the source of his passions? Has he met a great great grandfather that he has so much in common with that they hang out all the time?
Jason loved music, loved to sing, loved to listen to music. Has he found a person in our ancestry that shares that love. Do they sing together? What perfect harmony is he listening to?
Does he know these people immediately, or does each generation have to introduce him to the one they knew until they go all the way back to ....(I don't know who).
My cousins have searched the Rider family all the way back to England, but they go back farther than that. I wonder if I had a relative that was one of the early Christians. Maybe I have a blood connection to one of the early believers. Maybe the Apostle Paul preached in a city that my ancestor lived in, and that ancestor shared his faith, lived his faith so that his children and children's children were also believers.
I think I'll start praying for my descendants. To think that I will be able to meet my great great grandchildren someday when I never knew them while I was living...that's pretty cool. I hope that they will be able to trace their lineage back to my life. Luckily, it won't stop there because I stand on the shoulders of previous generations of Christ followers.
I get antsy with this life. I would love to have grandchildren when the time is right, but I'm already 55, so I doubt that I live to see great grandchildren, but who cares, I'll spend eternity with them, and I won't be aged and infirm. I'll be able to match them step for step.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
I'm so tired of going to funerals.
It is becoming embarrassing. What in the world are we doing in Tecumseh, Oklahoma that is causing all this suffering? How can we stop it? I went to ANOTHER funeral of a 22 year old this morning. I'm seeing the same kids and parents over and over again in the worst of circumstances.
Today's service was for Garrett Bowlan, a classmate of Carson's from both South Rock Creek, THS, and OSU. Another auto accident took the life of one of our beloved kids. Garrett was senior class president of the Class of 2006. He was a story-teller, fisherman, hunter, photographer, artist, musician, and all around great kid. I know, he was 22, so he wasn't a kid now, but in my eyes, he's still Garrett the kid with the great big smile.
As far as funerals go, this was a good one. Garrett was a "Christian and proud of it." His mother read a book report that Garrett wrote that pretty much summed up his life. Wow, he never wrote anything that profound in my class. I guess he grew up from the time he was a junior until he was a college sophomore.
The thing that really got me today was seeing the faces of the SRC parents. It was only a few years ago that we all sat together at little league baseball games and cheered as our kids played. It was only a few years ago that we sat at the SRC Christmas programs or Community Club meetings. There was a common look in all our eyes. Shock, fear, disbelief-how could these kids be leaving us so soon? Why? How can we be assured that it won't happen again?
Because of the recent barage of funerals, Garrett had made his wishes known. He wanted a casual celebration of his life, so that's what he got. People were wearing orange that have never worn orange in their lives. I took pictures. Several people spoke and told funny stories-a vital part of a funeral to me. It didn't use to be, but now it is. I'm so glad we had my nephew Marty speak at Jason's service. He told story after story of Jason's childhood and had the entire crowd wiping tears of laughter. That's so appropriate for people like Jason and Garrett who loved to laugh and to make people laugh.
I'm ready for some happy occasions. I'm challenging all the students who have been so saddened and affected by the recent deaths of their friends and classmates to invite their former teachers when they are having events to celebrate. We want to be a part of your weddings, Christenings, graduation parties, whatever. We'll bring presents; we'll help clean-up; we'll do anything to see all of you in happy moments.
Live it up, Garrett Bowlan. I can only imagine.
Today's service was for Garrett Bowlan, a classmate of Carson's from both South Rock Creek, THS, and OSU. Another auto accident took the life of one of our beloved kids. Garrett was senior class president of the Class of 2006. He was a story-teller, fisherman, hunter, photographer, artist, musician, and all around great kid. I know, he was 22, so he wasn't a kid now, but in my eyes, he's still Garrett the kid with the great big smile.
As far as funerals go, this was a good one. Garrett was a "Christian and proud of it." His mother read a book report that Garrett wrote that pretty much summed up his life. Wow, he never wrote anything that profound in my class. I guess he grew up from the time he was a junior until he was a college sophomore.
The thing that really got me today was seeing the faces of the SRC parents. It was only a few years ago that we all sat together at little league baseball games and cheered as our kids played. It was only a few years ago that we sat at the SRC Christmas programs or Community Club meetings. There was a common look in all our eyes. Shock, fear, disbelief-how could these kids be leaving us so soon? Why? How can we be assured that it won't happen again?
Because of the recent barage of funerals, Garrett had made his wishes known. He wanted a casual celebration of his life, so that's what he got. People were wearing orange that have never worn orange in their lives. I took pictures. Several people spoke and told funny stories-a vital part of a funeral to me. It didn't use to be, but now it is. I'm so glad we had my nephew Marty speak at Jason's service. He told story after story of Jason's childhood and had the entire crowd wiping tears of laughter. That's so appropriate for people like Jason and Garrett who loved to laugh and to make people laugh.
I'm ready for some happy occasions. I'm challenging all the students who have been so saddened and affected by the recent deaths of their friends and classmates to invite their former teachers when they are having events to celebrate. We want to be a part of your weddings, Christenings, graduation parties, whatever. We'll bring presents; we'll help clean-up; we'll do anything to see all of you in happy moments.
Live it up, Garrett Bowlan. I can only imagine.
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