Confession

I have a confession to make. For the past two years and four month, my prayer life hasn't been what it should be. Prior to Jason's death, I started most days by reading a passage of scripture and writing a prayer in my journal. Since his death my prayers have been sporatic and inconsistent. If someone asks me to pray for him/her, I'll do that, but that's not enough. Prayer should be daily communication with my heavenly father. Prayers shouldn't be just asking for something; prayers should also be praise, adoration, thanksgiving, and confession.
If you go back and read my journals prior to Jason's death, you will see that daily I asked God to protect my children--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When Jason died in a car accident, I guess I lost the portion of faith that I needed to count on God to protect my children. Has God protected them anyway? Yes, He has. They are both doing well. Does that mean it is useless for me to pray because they are blessed whether I pray or not? I don't think so.
I don't know if it is the beginning of the year resolutions or if I just reached the amount of time since Jason's death that I'm doing some self-examination, but I've started my prayer journals again. One of the reasons is that I'm reading a book called One Month to Live. At first I thought the topic would bother me, but instead it has made me think about the legacy I want to leave behind for my kids. It is very important for me to send the message loud and clear to them that my faith in God remains strong. How will I do that if my journal ends with Jason's death?
Therefore, I will journal my prayers again. I still won't go back and read the old journals yet, but someday I might.
The most important prayer I prayed was for God to take care of Jason spiritually. He answered that prayer because today Jason's life continues in eternity. Thank you, God for answered prayer.

2011

2011--whether you say "two thousand eleven" or "twenty eleven" doesn't matter. The year is here, and with it comes all the "new year" thoughts and feelings. I don't make many resolutions any longer. I've become cynical because I know that I don't keep many of them. I've started a diet because I don't feel very well at my current weight. It is no longer about looks for me; I just want to feel good, and I think I will feel better with some weight off.
We're going skiing in March, and I always ski better when I weigh less. Is that a sign of maturity or an admission of reality? The reality is that at 56 years old, I no longer try to get ready for swimsuit season which was always my motivation to lose weight when I was younger. Now I just want to eat healthy so that I will enjoy this life.
2011--puts us one year farther away from the last time I saw Jason. He was here in July 2008--it doesn't seem possible that it has been over two years since I saw him or spoke to him.
With all of the other people whom I have lost in my life, a certain time after their deaths I started having dreams about them. The dreams are very real and usually just include them in a family gathering--it's never a one-on-one situation. The dreams don't make me sad because I feel like I just got a little visit from Mom, Dad, Phyllis, or Linda, but I haven't dreamed about Jason much. I wonder what the psychology of that is. Maybe it would be too painful for me, so my mind won't let me go there.
2011--what will it bring? I've quit guessing or predicting. Life is going to happen. I'm just along for the ride.

It's here--Christmas

We've already had two of our three family Christmas events. On Sunday we celebrated at Aunt Polly's with the Humphrey families. We have much to be thankful for. Cody, who spent six months in Afghanistan, is home along with his wife, Ashley. They drove in from San Diego Saturday, so we celebrated together Sunday. I've known for weeks that he came home unharmed, but I really like to see for myself that he is ok. I'm so hoping that he remains stateside in 2011. Kirby and Beth brought down pizza from a place in Piedmont, and we had too much food once again.
Sunday evening we traveled to Wellston to celebrate with Phyllis's family. I love seeing all of her grandkids opening the gifts that Papa Fred bought. We play Dirty Santa each year, and it's now possible to include all of the kids in the game. They are so very funny. There's not a mean bone in any of the young kids, so they don't "get" the Dirty Santa object. They just trade around until everyone gets something they wanted. It's always during the Dirty Santa that Phyllis's presence is missed the most. She was always the rulemaker each year, and we all just followed her rules. Ironically, Sunday was the anniversary of her death. We didn't mention that, but it was "the elephant in the room." I have to remind myself that she is in heaven and not missing us which is one of the greatest mysteries of eternity. We miss her so much. How could she not miss us?
Of course, Jason's presence was a huge void at both houses. Seeing Carson, Kirby, and Cody around the table with no Jason is painful. Then thinking how close Marty, Monty, and Jason were when they were growing up and seeing their families so grown up makes me miss Jason all the more. He was always a part of that Christmas and loved teasing those kids. Janna and Jason were so close as kids, but as adults they seemed to bond even more.
I guess we're all determined to celebrate the holidays despite the losses we've suffered.
I keep thinking of all the families in Tecumseh who are struggling through their first Christmas after the death of a husband, wife, child, grandchild, brother, sister, friend. We've had too much loss this year.
To the Fowlers, Tiffins, Cokers, Belvins, Vickerys, Bowlins, Trousdales, Wardens, I know that this year is unbearable. Our first Christmas without Jason was the most difficult of my life, and I've had difficult Christmases. I couldn't take a picture, I couldn't bake his favorites, I couldn't shop, I couldn't decorate. Fortunately, I'm surrounded by a support group of friends and family, so I made it through. Every family that I mentioned is strong and united. They will survive this Christmas together.
I am praying for all of these families, especially the ones who are grieving the loss of a child. We will never be the same, we will never celebrate a Christmas without a bittersweet memory of our missing children, but each year will be less painful than the one before.

Finally, What a Relief! What a Blessing!

Today our church called a new pastor, ending weeks of searching for the right man for the job. I am such an impatient person that this once again has been difficult for me. I like order, structure, and consistency in church. I want to know when I go who will be speaking, and the last several months have been week after week of surprises. Some of those surprises have blessed my heart, so I really shouldn't be complaining; I'm not sure I am complaining; I'm just very glad that the search is over, and we have a new man in the pulpit.
He comes from a church three times larger than ours, so I'm sure he has already encountered all the personality traits, quirks, and oddities that a congregation can hold; therefore, I don't think I have any advice for him. We're a dysfunctional, functional family made up of flawed, perfect people. Does that make sense?
I'll just say that what I love about Harrah Church is the heart it has always had for the lost. Harrah Church in the few years I've been there has been a church to win unchurched people for Jesus and then to mentor those people along in the faith. Are we always successful? No, some of the people we have won to the Lord no longer attend Harrah or any other church, but many of them are actively serving God in positions that a few years ago they would have never thought possible.
What does it look like when you reach the unchurched? The unspoken "rules" are completely foreign to these people. They don't dress "churchy"; they don't always speak "churchy"; their testimonies are real, sometimes heartbreaking, but always inspiring; they love Jesus, and they want all of their friends and family to love Jesus too.
When my kids have attended church with me there, the boys were bothered by the hats worn in the building. You see, Jason and Carson knew the "rules" of church--they would never enter a church building with a cap or hat on. It was funny that I was the one to have to explain to them that God was looking at the heart of these men, not the top of their heads. Rules like that can be barriers to the very people we are working to reach. You would have thought that the older generation would have had to be taught tolerance, not the other way around.
I'm looking forward to years of working alongside Kevin Daniels and his family.

Trash talking

I have an aversion to trash talking. Why? I'm not a trash talker, so I don't want people to talk trash to me. I think I'm going to create a line of tshirts and hats that say. I'm a __________(you can put any team name in here)fan-with a big ghostbusters sign over a trashcan. I think I might be able to sell them to many, many people. I can't be the only person who feels this way. If you see the people around you at a ballgame wearing that shirt, you know that they will be nice to you, they will cheer for their own team, they might yell at a referee, but they will not be unsportsmanlike to the opponents.
It probably comes from eighteen years of being a cheerleading sponsor/coach. I wouldn't let my cheerleaders do those UGLY cheers; you know the ones that put down the opponents. I guess that way of thinking permeated my brain.
One of the reasons I hate it so is that it brings out the very worst in people (me). People that I love and agree with on almost every other important issue in life can make an ugly comment about a team I like, and all of the sudden, my mind is working hard to come up with a comeback. I can tell you that my comebacks are usually pretty good, but no one will ever know that because I keep them to myself.
Now, if you buy one of my shirts and I hear that you are talking trash, your shirt will be revoked without a refund.

Let's try something new; what a concept.

Recently, there have been multiple occasions where Christians have gathered to protest another person's or group's freedom. There was a Satanic group that had some kind of meeting in OKC, and some believers went to protest. An atheist group has put up some billboards promoting athiesm, and believers were outraged. Many, not all, Christians have shown their ugly side over the mosque being built in NYC. This is still America, isn't it?
My proposal is based on I Peter 2:11-23; the heading in my Bible says
Living Godly Lives in a Pagan Society
11 Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul. 12 Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.
13 Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every human authority: whether to the emperor, as the supreme authority, 14 or to governors, who are sent by him to punish those who do wrong and to commend those who do right. 15 For it is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people. 16 Live as free people, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as God’s slaves. 17 Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.

18 Slaves, (Debbie's note: employees) in reverent fear of God submit yourselves to your masters (bosses), not only to those who are good and considerate, but also to those who are harsh. 19 For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God. 20 But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. 21 To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.

22 “He committed no sin,
and no deceit was found in his mouth.”[a]

23 When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.

Some people will see this as letting the pagans take over. If you believe what the Bible teaches, this world already belongs to the pagans. I certainly believe we must keep ourselves blameless, but lately I don't think some Christians are very good ambassadors for Christ. I don't think this means we should just ignore everything that is going on around us, but I do think we need to stage a respectful event that brings glory to God if we want to challenge another's rights.
Let's give this a try. Don't just wear the t-shirt or the bracelet. Really ask yourself, "What would Jesus do?" When you encounter someone who insults you because of your faith, be as Christlike as is humanly possible so that they can find no fault in your example. I've known some Christians who can do this; I'm sorry to say, I haven't always represented Christ in the best way.
Hey, I'm now fifty-six years old. I've learned a lot in all those years, so I'll make every effort for the rest of my life to think before I argue, think before I spout off, think before I comment. Man, that's a lot of thinking.

Time

Today I am fifty-six years old. How in the world did that happen? I don't feel as old as I used to think a fifty-six year old person would feel. I've always been of the "you're as old as you feel" train of thought. I'm planning to feel young for the rest of my life. I really inherited that mindset. My mom was young at heart, so I'm going to follow her example. She was always the kind of person that everyone wanted to be around. Most of the people I work with are younger than I am; some are young enough to be my children, but we have so much fun together. They're all a bunch of dorks sometimes, but they certainly keep me laughing. Today I received a birthday card from my planning period buddies Jennifer Cox. and Jennifer McKnight. Jennifer C. wrote a very nice, heartfelt message in the card. Sweet right? Then Jennifer M. wrote the exact same message right below it. Anything for a laugh, I think tomorrow, I will act like my feelings are hurt because Jennifer M. made fun of my birthday message. I won't do that because I learned a few years ago that I shouldn't be a part of practical jokes. We thought we would pull a good one on McKnight by telling her that we had to come back to school the day after Memorial Day because they had made a mistake in the calendar. We had to lie to Cox too because she can't lie to save her soul. The problem was that Cox canceled a very important day with her daughter because she thought she had to go to school. Mr. Blue was NOT happy with us. We all pretty much decided that we needed to ease off the pranks.
As always, I'm thinking of Jason today. I miss getting that phone call. Right after his death, his friend Jake gave me the book 90 minutes in heaven. Occasionally, I re-read the chapters that describe heaven. I know time will mean nothing in heaven, but I was thinking this week that if it did, the people up there probably feel sorry for he ones who had the longest life here on earth.
We tell everyone happy birthday to celebrate their living one more year on earth. We really should be offering our sympathy. The luckiest ones are the ones who live here for a brief time and a longer time in heaven.
We're not going to care about this when we get there, but I can imagine the conversation.

Heaven's Greeter: Hi, welcome to heaven.
Newbee: Wow, this place is awesome.
Greeter: Tell me about yourself.
Newbee: Well, I was a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother. I had a very long long.
Greeter: Oh, bless your heart; I'm so sorry. Don't worry, honey, everything's going to be all right now. All your troubles are over.