God still answers prayer

I realized after I reread yesterday's post that it didn't sound like I prayed for my kids any longer. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I even still pray for Jason. Dumb, huh? I don't pray for him personally; he is in heaven with no problems, no worries, no pain, no suffering. What I pray for is that his influence will continue to impact his friends and family here in this broken place. His death must be good for something. I want his friends and family members to think seriously about their fate.
As I posted yesterday, Mr. Blue is in Korea getting treatment for lung cancer. According to today's post, he may be coming home to continue treatment in the U.S. What an answer to all of our prayers. If he comes home when the doctor mentioned he might, he will have spent six weeks in Korea. Six weeks of expense, treatment, side effects, etc. all to possibly add years to his life, to be in remission, to spend more years with his kids and grandsons. Worth every bit.
I'm very frustrated that an American citizen has to travel 17 hours to get treatment. I don't know why Dr. Moon's treatments are not available here, but I suspect that it is too controversial to pass all of our screenings. It is stem cell treatment, but it is not any different than the type that is also done here. His own stem cells are harvested which is the same type of treatment that Tiffany Whittington is getting at MD Anderson. All I know is that the Blues have witnessed several people leaving Korea with hope, hope for healing from Parkinson's, alzheimers, cancer, and some have left with bad news and have returned home to spend time with their families. Since Mr. Blue was given no hope by any doctors in the US, he really only had two choices--go to Korea, or stay home and die.
Apparently, when the Blues have to see Dr. Moon three months after they leave Korea, they can meet him in the Bahamas or Grand Cayman. At least it's not a 17 hour flight. I've been impressed with the number of people who read Mrs. Blue's blog, all praying for them and sending encouraging messages of hope to them. Mr. Blue is such a private man; I'm sure this public information about his illness is very uncomfortable for him, but he is holding up because God is with him. I will keep praying for him

Appropriate, who cares?

I'm going to Hobby Lobby this afternoon to buy orange, black and white flowers to place on Jason's headstone. I already have some OSU stuff to put on it. It's time for OSU football, so the strange thing I'm going to do is decorate Jason's headstone with Go Pokes stuff. If I can figure out how to post a picture, I will (that's a hint for you Mel).
Thinking about cowboy football without Jason to talk to is rough. Of course, we've already been down that road because there was plenty of Cowboy football last year after Sept. 20th, but I really don't remember anything about those first few months. I had so much business to take care of, and my grief was so raw that I literally just went through the paces of each day.
I keep having people tell me that they pray for me every day. I am so humbled by that knowledge. I'm also ashamed of myself when I think about the people who have "dropped off" of my prayer list. I've learned so much about prayer this year. I will be the first to admit that I have become cynical about prayer. I prayed so hard for my sister Phyllis to be healed. When she died, I decided that God didn't change the course of someone's fate very often. I decided that our prayers didn't matter much. I used to write in a prayer journal each morning before Jason died. I haven't read the entries or written in it since his death. Every single morning I asked God to keep my children safe from physical, emotional, and spiritual harm, but he died in a horrible accident.
I have been praying for my bosses, James Blue and Roy Capps, who are both battling cancer. Mr. Blue's wife has been writing a blog daily that gives us specific things to pray for, Type A blood donors, Ensure, heating pads, relief from chronic cough, etc. and our prayers have been answered through the people who read her blog. Five blood donors on American military bases in Korea, Ensure of every flavor delivered to Seoul by a Korean missionary couple, 30-50 minute radiation treatments with no coughing and much needed rest for both Mr. Blue and his wife. I'm so honored to be a part of seeing God work through people.
Hearing that people continue to pray for us is humbling, but it does explain how we have not allowed our family to be destroyed by this tragedy. I'm going to be more diligent is keeping people on my prayer list longer. No matter what we face in life, it seldom ends as quickly as we would like. Illness, heartache, and tragedy have residual problems that linger long after the event is over. Thank you to all who have continued to pray for us. Don't stop now; September is going to be a challenge for our family. We need your prayers and God's blessings to flow.

Beautiful time of year--Can this really be August?

When I see anything advertised that is happening in August in Oklahoma outdoors, my first thought is always, "It will be so hot." Tonight I went to an outdoor concert at the park in Harrah. The band from Harrah Church where I attend was playing at the amphitheater. Talk about a perfect night. It was cool, but not too cool; there was no wind--in Oklahoma; the park looked green; the pond was full and still behind the stage; the mosquitos didn't even show up tonight. Because we were outside, the sound was perfect, not too loud. Perfection. I've been thinking so much about Jason lately. In just a few weeks he will experience his first birthday in heaven. I know time doesn't mean anything in heaven, but I have no other frame of reference to go by. Was tonight a glimpse of what he is experiencing all the time? Music that praises God in a perfect environment. I can only imagine.
Today I heard from a friend of Jason's who found me on facebook. He said that four years ago Jason gave his wife and son his horse, Charley. Charley is now 26 years old and living in Sweetwater, Oklahoma. That sounds like a good place to retire if you're a horse, doesn't it. I didn't really know where Charley was; the last I heard he was at Jason's ex-wife's family's place, and her niece was riding him. I really don't care where he is, I just like knowing he is being enjoyed by a kid.
My thoughts of facing September are consuming me right now. I keep thinking that at this time last year, I could still talk to Jason. Did I talk to him as often as I could? When he called, did I give him my full attention? I hope I did. I know that now when Allison and Carson call, I am attentive, interested in what they have to say, but have I always been that way? Life has taught me so much, but the biggest lesson I have learned is--While we are here on earth, nothing is as important as the relationships we have with those closest to us. They are God-given and God-blessed. Of course, our relationship with Him should be first and foremost in our hearts, but He expects us to share His love with our families.

Empty Nest

Several of my friends and relatives are experiencing the empty nest for the first time this week. I remember when my kids were still at home thinking that it would be so sad when we didn't have any kids at home and feeling sorry for my friends when that last kid moved out. I don't think you can prepare yourself for the changes this makes in your family. When Carson moved out, we had been parenting for thirty years. We were so young when Jason was born that we really couldn't remember life before kids.
Tony and I have adjusted very well. We have a routine that pleases both of us. We go out to dinner almost every Friday night (except I have to work the concession stand at the scrimmage tomorrow). We go to the grocery store every Saturday morning (except this Saturday when Tony will play golf). Get the picture. We can be flexible now. For thirty years our lives were under the rule of coaches, ag teachers, club sponsors, cheerleading coaches, youth leaders, homework, and employers. Now we do what we want, and we have become very selfish. I exercise several times a week because I can. I don't have to pick anyone up, drop anyone off, make sure someone eats before the night's activity. I can do laundry during the week or not. No one is going to go to a game with a dirty uniform.
I never realized I could get so spoiled.
I get to school every morning at 7:00 because I don't have to drop kids off, so I am ready for my work day to start at 8:00. I'm rotten.
I still have a good relationship with my kids. I don't see them as often as I'd like, but I talk to them several times a week. I miss the kids, but I don't miss the hectic life that having them live here involved. There is a reason we have kids when we are young. Right now if I do something on a school night, I try to be home early so I can be rested. When I think that I used to be out sometimes four nights a week during basketball season, I don't know how I did it.
Allison said last night that she feels guilty because my house always looks clean, so she thinks they were the ones that used to mess it up. It stays cleaner now because I'm home to pick up a little every day. There were some weeks when they lived here when we ran in, changed clothes, and ran out in a fifteen minute time period. By the time we would get home there was no time or energy to straighten, so cleaning was left for Saturday mornings.
I always worried that our busy life would adversely affect the kids, but I wouldn't trade the ballgames and activities for anything. We didn't waste much time on video games or television because we weren't home. One thing for sure; we were together.
Don't worry about the empty nest; it has its benefits.

Three days down

Tony and I are feeling old right now. He went to his first day of inservice at Shawnee and said that there were only two people older than he is, so I started counting. In my building there are only seveh people older than I am. Wow! That seems incredible to me; it hasn't been long since I was the youngster. That's the way life is. I check facebook almost everyday, one refrain I see in many posts is that time is going too fast. Parents are amazed that their babies are growing up so fast. It doesn't matter if the baby is taking his first steps, going to pre-school, Kinder, middle school, high school, or college, every parent is asking, "Where did the time go?" I enjoy my kids being adults. My life is must less stressful than it was when they were at home, but I don't really think I made time like I should have when they were kids. We were always together, going to ballgames, church, various other events, but did I stop and realize as these things were happening that we were sharing a very important time in all of our lives. "Does anyone realize life while they are living it? is a question Emily asks the stage manager in Our Town. The answer, "The saints and poets maybe." We let important moments pass us by and hurry on to the next moment. Maybe that's why grandparents are so patient with their grandkids. They know how fast childhood goes by, so they stop to look at the bugs on the sidewalk, smell the roses, read the books, help with the cooking. What difference does it make if they get messy? They're washable.

I need some good news.

Today was our last day of inservice. It was mostly a day to work on our lesson plans and to prepare for the week, but at 8:30 they loaded us up on a school bus and took us on a tour of the district. We started out in the neighborhood off Malone with some very beautiful homes, nicely maintained and landscaped. They they drove us through some neighborhoods that are in need of help. They ended with a drive through the country on some of the worst roads in the area with homes that pretty much look uninhabitable. I know why they did this. Many of our teachers live in Norman, Shawnee, MWC among other places, so they don't really know how some of our students live.
I drove a rural bus route for eight years, so I wasn't at all shocked by the sights. Since poverty is all over Oklahoma, only the teachers who aren't paying attention would be shocked by the scenes we saw today.
In one neighborhood the homes could have been nice, but very few were well-maintained. Because these people are living week to week, or month to month, they don't have the money to repair their house or property when it is damaged. They may have insurance, but with high deductables, they don't make claims when the repairs are minor.
The rural area was typical of neighborhoods all over Pottawatomie and Lincoln county. A local businessman buys an acreage of rough, unblemished land and makes a few crude roads and sub-divides this land. He sells it to people and carries the note, and they move from town to "the country" to enjoy the good life. The roads are private, so they aren't maintained by the county, so today we drove on sticky red mud that our students have to walk through before they catch the bus. Most of the homes are mobile homes with no skirting, exposed pipes that freeze easily. Some are 5th wheels that people use for their main residence. many of the homes had been abandoned, so the businessman can repossess the land and sell it again to another unsuspecting dreamer.
It takes money to live in an area like these. You need four-wheel drive vehicles, plenty of gravel for your driveway, a tractor or some kind of heavy equipment to clear and grate the roads. Someone who knows what he is doing to make the drainage right so that the roads and driveways don't wash out. These people don't have the money for any of these things, so it becomes too hard to remain there. They are paying high interest, so it is easy to walk away and leave the place.
It breaks my heart that people of means will take the most advantage of impoverished people. They will charge high interest and make unbalanced deals that put poor people at a severe disadvantage.
All I can say is I need some good news. I feel like we have been given such a gloom and doom inservice that we are all going to school with a black cloud over our heads. I don't want to stick my head in the sand; I know many of our students are very impoverished. I get it. Quit beating me over the head with it.

Psalm 19:7-9

The revelation of God is whole
and pulls our lives together.
The signposts of God are clear
and point out the right road.
The life-maps of God are right,
showing the way to joy.
The directions of God are plain
and easy on the eyes.
God's reputation is twenty-four carat gold,
with a lifetime guarantee.
The Message

We had part of this scripture in our Sunday School lesson today and had a very applicable discussion about the truth of this passage. My friend Mary and I went to Tulsa Friday night to see Wicked. We had Mapquest maps, a Garmin, and roadsigns, but the road construction didn't allow us to follow those guides. We were anxious trying to figure out how to reach our destination. Then on the way home, we really didn't relax until we were on the turnpike that meant we knew exactly where we were going.
If we are Christ followers, we know exactly where we are going. Our final destination is heaven. We will lose our way occasionally; we will have roadblocks; we will be anxious, but we shouldn't because our final destination is clear.
My life has experienced so many wrong turns when I wasn't following God's roadmap, but he allowed me to turn around and find a different way. I also learned something from the wrong turns. I learned compassion for others who are lost; I learned that God is like Garmin, when you don't go the way he told you to go, He will give you another chance. He will show you how to reach you destination from where you are at that point. I love reading the truths of God in the Message.

Boys, boys, boys

Yesterday's inservice wasn't any more encouraging to me. The title was Boys in Crisis, and it reflected some of the research out there that says boys are being left behind academicaly and professionally now.
Some of my frustration with this information is that it has been so obvious my entire teaching career that our education system is designed to accomodate girls, and boys just have to adjust.
Maybe it was because I had sons that I was so aware of this reality, but the truth of this statement is obvious to me.
Today's boys don't have anyone to teach them to be men. Many of them don't have fathers in their lives, so they are learning from television what it means to be a man. If they watch comedy, they see the stupid, dense dad with the pretty, smart spouse who keeps him in line. I have often told my male students that they need to speak up. If women were reflected so poorly on television, there would be protests and boycots.
The courses that were offered to boys when I was in high school and when I first started teaching have been eliminated. Woodshop and auto mechanics are only offered to 11th and 12th grade students who are willing to go to Career Tech. I know that I have learned more practical math from helping my dad and Tony with building projects than I learned in a classroom. It doesn't take the place of algebra, but it is information that I can use as a homeowner. My dad taught Tony how to do basic carpentry that has saved us hundreds of dollars. Today's students not only don't have anyone to teach them at home, they no longer have anyone at school to teach them.
I give a writing assignment each year that asks the question: What class do you relax in and enjoy the most and why?
I can't number the male students who respond to that question with their Career TEch class; small engine repair, carpentry, heating and air, auto mechanics, body shop, etc. If they don't go to Career Tech, their response is welding, ag mechanics which are offered in our Ag. department. Why? They can get their hands dirty and learn something valuable for their future. It is very difficult for me to explain to those boys why they need to find the theme of a poem. I guess as an English teacher, I shouldn't put that out there, should I?

Guilt

We had a five hour seminar on the effects on children of living in poverty today. I have gone to one of these before, so there was really not much new information today. It is still valuable information to be reminded of so that we can understand our students.
Our school has about a 70% poverty rate, so we were discussing the majority of our student body.
I think when I talk to my students about my childhood and my years of raising children, I have surviver's guilt. My parents were lower middle class, but my home was a very stable, secure atmosphere. I may not have had what I wanted to eat, but I had healthy, good meals. I was born when my parents had been married for 17 years, and when I was 3 we moved into a large 4 bedroom home with 2 bathrooms. It was never beautifully furnished or decorated, but it was warm and safe. I always had running water, electricity, warmth in the winter, and after I was about 12 air conditioning in the summer. We never had a brand new car while I was living at home, but our car was in good repair. We didn't go on vacations, but we often had relatives come to visit us from out-of-state. Occasionally, we went camping or to Arkansas, Texas, Missouri, for a brief vacation. My dad was self-employed, so he just couldn't take off much. My mom had a full-time job from the time I was in 4th grade so that we could have health insurance, but she scheduled her day off on the day that I had Campfire Girls because she had always been one of my Bluebird/Campfire leaders, and I wanted her to continue. I was somewhat bratty when I reflect on this now.
During the years I was raising my kids, I always juggled our finances so that my kids had what they needed. They had school supplies, basketball shoes, cleats, and ball equipment, clothing (probably not exactly what they wanted, but what we could afford). They had their own vehicles when they turned 16, and we were able to pay their insurance and school expenses. I got myself into a bind with a credit card occasionally, but I have no credit card debt now, so I recovered. I know I probably should have told them no more often than I did, but I didn't do too much harm to them.
We went on a few vacations together, not as many as I would have liked, but summers were always so busy with school activities. We go snow skiing once each year now, so to some of my students, I come from a world they can't imagine. When I was in school, I had a friend whose family went skiing every winter and to Mexico in summer. I never dreamed that I would be able to do that, but I could today if I planned carefully.
All three of my kids have had to learn to do without some of the things they had growing up. Right now neither of my kids have television or internet. When you live by yourself, you don't have anyone to split the luxuries with. Guess what, they are surviving. They watch movies, listen to music, and have access to computers at OSU.
They both have friends whose parents pay their living expenses while they are in college. I would if I could, but that's just not an option for us. I help them when I can, but I am very proud of their self-sufficiency. They both have good jobs for college students, and they are dedicated to their responsibilities.
The thing that resonates with me is that parents should sacrifice for their children. If I could tell them anything about choosing a mate, it would be to look at the potential mate's family dynamic. Whether they grew up rich, poor, or middle class, did their parents sacrifice their time, money, desires, everything for their kids? I remember telling my mom that she needed new glasses because hers were old fashioned. Her response was that she didn't get new glasses until she couldn't see through them any longer. She sacrificed for us. When Jason was going to Conner's, he asked me when I was going to get a new car because the one I was driving had been my mother's before she died. He called it a grandma car. It was an Olds 98, it drove like a dream, and I didn't have a payment, and the insurance was cheap. I didn't tell him, but the amount I was paying to Conner's every month would have made a car payment.
Again I have a little surviver's guilt. My family was uneducated, and both of my parents were raised during the depression in extreme poverty. My dad said that he never left the table full during his childhood. My mother got a pair of shoes for school each year, and she had to go barefoot when she outgrew them until the next school year started. Why did they get out? I could have been one of those victims of generational poverty, but my parents worked their way out of it. Dad's goal was always that none of his children lived on the dole. I didn't understand that when I was a kid, but I get it now.Thanks Mom and Dad; you make me very proud.

2009-2010

When I began teaching, the year was 1979-80. I drove from Wellston to Stroud every day for my first year. I'm beginning another new year tomorrow--2009-2010. I thought by now we would have flying cars.
The changes in technology boggle my mind. Back then I had to type tests on a stencil and run them off on the funny smelling purple ditto machine. It took forever to figure it all out. We did have a machine that would make a stencil out of a worksheet, but it was expensive so not available for everything.
Jason was four, so he rode with me to Stroud and went to the Clownhouse Daycare around the corner from my school. He slept all the way over there and back because if he didn't, he got carsick. We had to turn around and go back home a couple of times before I realized that he shouldn't eat at home in the morning. I had to take his cereal to Clownhouse to stop that madness. I was pregnant with Allison for the second semester, so that brought new challenges. I had to get up really early so the morning sickness would go away before I had to leave. YUK! That wasn't fun.
This year I will begin the year with plain paper copiers that allows me to mass produce anything I can type on my laptop. I have a Smartboard in my classroom, and the projector will be installed in my ceiling. I can pull up anything I have saved on my computer and post it on the Smartboard. I can put internet sites on the screen. If someone sends me an email with something I think will benefit my students, I can show them on the Smartboard. I have a cart in my classroom with 30 laptops in it that my students can use to write papers or do research.
I don't think I could have imagined how things would change.
We've gone from video on a huge reel to VHS to DVD to downloads. What will come next? Will I be able to keep up?
We've gone from IBM selectric, to Apple II, to desktop, to laptops.
We've gone from landlines, to cellular phones, to cellphones that connect to the internet.
What has stayed the same? 17 year olds. They are more savvy than they were in
1979, but they still are between childhood and adulthood. They still make me laugh.
They still don't necessarily want to be in school, but they come in anyway and sit in my classroom and wait for me to teach them something they can use. I have one week to get ready for a new group. I will begin by praying that I will see them as I wanted my children's teachers to see my kids. They are individuals, they are not like anyone else, they are special.

Today's sermon--So meaningful on all levels.

Jimmy has been preaching a sermon series about being connected to the Holy Spirit. Today's sermon spoke to me on so many levels. The heart of the sermon is that by human nature, we are prone to be divisive. In church, at home, at work, we are prone to be divisive, but if we are connected as we should be to the Holy Spirit, we can overcome that divisiveness.
His outline stated that connected people are unified. To be unified we have to think beyond ourselves. Our nature is to be selfish, but if we are serious about building a healthy church, we think beyond ourselves. The music at our church is very contemporary, very loud, completely outside the comfort zone of some of the older people in the church, but it is bringing unchurched people to church. That is what I'm talking about; it's not about me; I'm saved: I'm on my way to heaven. The music shouldn't be pleasing to me (although it is) it should reach out to the people who need Jesus.
Connected people sacrifice. We need to sacrifice our time, money, opinions, attitudes, feelings.
Connected people are authentic with God. There really isn't any other way to be. Quoting my favorite American literary character, "You can't pray a lie." Huck knew, and we should know. God knows our hearts, so we must be completely open with Him.
Last, connected people fear God. That is really the only healthy fear we should have.
Jimmy was talking today about building a healthy church, but I couldn't help thinking about how all of this is true of building a healthy family.
I have several friends who do not speak to their siblings. They are divided by family drama, money, old resentments, etc. Most of these families do not attend church, so I can always say that they need Jesus, but in reality I've also known Christian families who are not united.
As a child I was exposed to two kinds of families. My dad's family was pretty shattered. He spoke to some of his brothers, but not others; He had two sisters, but he didn't see them often. I don't really think he had disagreements with them; he just wasn't close. I only remember him having a close relationship to Gene and Jimmy. He didn't talk bad about the other brothers much; he just didn't go out of his way to spend time with them.
On the other hand, my mom's family was the most united group of people I have ever known. My mom and dad got along with all of my mom's siblings and their spouses. Mom knew all my cousins and their kids, and we knew all of our aunts and uncles well. They were all Christian, but of different denominations. We had Methodist, Baptist, Free Will Baptist, Assembly of God, and Pentecostal. I remember once when I was a kid, we all went to some lake and stayed in a church cabin for several days. We had church on Sunday morning, and it was the real deal. What a witness to me. I believed that the difference between the two families was that Mom's family was Christian and Dad's family was not. I know today that that was not necessarily the case because I know Christian families who do not get along.
I know it has to break God's heart to see families and churches be divided. I can't imagine the pain I would feel if my kids didn't get along. They may not always agree, but they are close. I realize as I get older and witness more and more families, it is not enough for me to pray that my kids marry well; it is also important that they marry people who can get along with one another. I love my sisters-in-law. Peggy and Cindy are like my sisters. I enjoy spending time with Phyllis's widower, Fred, and my brother-in-law, Randy. I love all their kids. That is such a rich blessing and a heritage that is priceless to me.

Back to school

This is my last weekend before inservice starts. This Wed. we go back to the routine that keeps us busy for nine months of the year. Have I made good use of my time this summer? I have spent a lot of my time studying for my three classes, playing on the computer, hanging out with my kids, just goofing off. I hope there is not a pie chart in heaven that shows how I spent my life here on earth.
I am fairly comfortable with my time-management during the school year, but during summer, not so much.
Usually I am ready for school to start back. This year since, I finished summer school on July 28th, and return to school on August 5th, I'm not ready. There are too many big jobs that I had to leave undone. Oh well, there's always next summer.